Gallery: We Try Every Species of Goldfish

  • Cheddar

    Cheddar

    You probably think of these as plain or original goldfish, but Original is actually a different bag. This is cheddar, and they are great. Seriously, who doesn't like these? They're truly cheesy and legitimately tangy on the tastebuds. Isn't it fun to stuff them in your mouth and chew them into a creamy cheesy goop? Ben and his brother Jonathan take issue with their marketplace dominance over other as delicious flavors, which is true, but that's really the only bad thing you could say about them.

    Goldfish Colors

    A familiar food in an unfamiliar color? Are we supposed to like this? Reminds me of green ketchup. The issue here, though, goes beyond being weirded out: these dyed Cheddar Goldfish actually taste different. Props to Pepperidge Farm for using beets and other vegetables to color these red and green goldfish. Shame on Pepperidge Farm for making them taste like beets and other vegetables.

    Cheddar made with Whole Grain

    They're not lying about the whole grain, which means these are chewier and somehow less satisfying, with a distinct whole wheat aftertaste. They're still full of that salty cheddar flavor though, and would definitely be a good snack for kids (although a quick look at the nutrition facts proves that these pack some not-so-whole-grain too).

    Original

    The (un)Original split the vote. They taste decent, just a bit plain, like an oyster cracker. They taste good, there's just no reason to buy them when you could buy a different flavor, basically.

    Pretzel

    Pretzels shaped like fish. These are great. Really, they are a solid option in the pretzel family, with a satisfying surface area and size compared to what you get in a bag of thin pretzels.

    Parmesan

    A great cracker with a real nutty, proper parmesan taste. Truly, it should be as popular as cheddar, because it just might be better.

    Pizza

    These should be gross, because it's kind of embarrassing for us to like a non-pizza item that is "pizza-flavored". But they are delicious! You can really taste the oregano, tomato, and cheese. These are Ben's absolute favorite.

    Goldfish Baby

    More cheddar, again. These are smaller than the regular cheddar goldfish, but taste the same. They don't improve by being smaller, and Jonathan takes issue with the fact that they slip through your fingers when you reach for a handful. Still, they're pretty cute, and tasty.

    Space Adventures

    More dyed Cheddar Goldfish, this time in space shapes. The fun shapes make up for the funny colors, and they're Leandra's favorite.

    Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar

    Flavor Blasted Xplosive Pizza

    Also not an improvement on the regular Pizza. As Jonathan noted, unattractive packaging further makes the Blasted line a stain on Goldfish's good name.

    Flavor Blasted Slammin' Sour Cream and Onion

    As Ben puts it, "if I don't want to be blasted with flavor, I certainly don't want to be blasted with sour cream and onions." True.

    Flavor Blasted Wild White Cheddar

    More blasting, more complaints: the flavoring on all the Flavor Blasted (say that five times fast!) leaves residue on your fingers, and that is so not the point of Goldfish (the point being, eat a whole bag of snacks without leaving anything you touch greasy or gritty).

    Mix Up Adventures

    This bag of Mix Up Adventures is half Pretzel Goldfish, half Flavor Blasted Cheddar. In spite of the blast, this bag isn't bad at all: the pretzel acts as a sort of neutralizer for the flavoring, making for a decent mouthful (but, still, a greasy hand).

    Mix Up Adventures Xtra Cheesy Pizza

    This bag is another mix, between regular Parmesan goldfish and Xplosive Pizza. These are also preferable to a fully Flavor Blasted bag, and a palmful thrown in the mouth really does taste like pizza.

    Grahams Vanilla Cupcake

    Vanilla cupcake flavored Goldfish? I (almost) didn't believe in the power of the cupcake trend until now. Before you get totally grossed out, though, let me tell you that these taste like a really good sugar cookie. Seriously! Also, they have tiny little sprinkles so they look nice.

    Grahams Fudge Brownie

    Tasty, with a great graham cookie texture, but could be more chocolate-y.

    Grahams Cookies & Cream

    These are basically the chocolate grahams mixed with the vanilla cupcake ones...which is a pretty great thing, when you pop them all at once and let the sugar mix with the cocoa.

    Grahams Chocolate Chip

    A super crunchy, slightly less sweet, and very tiny chocolate chip cookie (which is great, because you can convince yourself that you're not eating a cookie).

    Grahams S'Mores

    These are a standout. The bag is equal parts grahams, chocolate grahams, and little fish shaped marshmallows (!). We put some in a bowl with milk, and a pretty decent cereal was born.