One of the "perks" of this gig is watching television programming that, in good conscience, no sane person should ever watch. Shows like The Bachelor are why the rest of the world hates us. I'm kind of on their side on this, and I'm the guy who still orders "Freedom Fries" at restaurants.
Getting back to things that make me want to pour bleach on my eyes: can you believe that this show has been on the air since 2002? If this show were a child, that kid should be in fourth grade, but would probably be held back for eating a metric ton of glue.
The Necessary Details
So this year's bachelor is Sean. Sean is... Dear God, I don't think I'm going to be able to finish writing this without blowing my brains out... a "born-again virgin." The Bachelor's producers—who one can only assume are named Bialystock and Bloom—claim they didn't know about this. I don't know about you, but "Reality TV Producer" is somewhere between "Ambulance Chasing Lawyer" and "Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness" on my Trustworthy Scale.
Thankfully this is America, where our manufacturing industry might be dead, but we still pump out more attention-starved sociopaths than anywhere else! Enter the girls!
Tierra: The drama queen that reality TV show producers keep around so that they have a villain for everyone to hate before they crank up the schmaltz. She was eliminated, but her crazy eyebrow lives forever.
Sarah: That feel-good story who causes the obligatory "I'm no longer watching!" outrage when she was eliminated. Sarah lost her arm in utero. Her send off was a tear-jerker. Or it least it might have been if my heart had not been replaced by a cold, black nucleus of cynicism. My liver has similarly been replaced.
Desiree: Sweet-faced Des was eliminated right before the final 3. Apparently she's a fan favorite, but according to guy who hosts this show, so is everyone else.
AshLee: One of the final three. AshLee deserved to be eliminated on principle for spelling her name like a third grade dropout, but when she actually was, her Death Stare proved her much scarier than we anticipated.
Catherine: One of the final two. Catherine is your dark horse since she was the last to get a rose in the down-to-three elimination. And she has a nose ring.
Lindsay: One of the final two. Lindsay was the name of my first girlfriend who grew up to be a psychiatrist. That makes sense. What didn't? This girl showed up at the first episode in a wedding dress.
This week, the show is a "Women Tell All" catfight extravaganza, with the actual ring-on-the-finger-or-left-at-the-fake-floating-altar finale coming next week. This drinking game will work for tonight's special, or you can save it for the big final show.
Supplies You'll Need
Roses are red, violets are blue. You'll need all the liquor you have just to make it through.
There's two things The Bachelor is big on: roses and Champagne. So let's toast to the downfall of Western Civilization with some budget bubbly. If you're like me and think that Champagne is the purview of women who accept roses from men they barely know, you can add some much needed booze to it. Alternatively you can go with a rosé, which is spelled like rose and pronounced with the kind of unnecessary flair of a reality TV show.
The Bachelor Drinking Game
Unfortunately for you, me, and our remaining brains cells, you can't be "born-again sober." So keep that in mind and remember this game is for entertainment purposes only. This game will have a truncated Sip, Swig, Slam section because we have some new rules for the finale.
Take a Sip
1 Sip: For every time someone cries and tries really hard not to smear her eye makeup.
2 Sips: For every time the word "love" is used. Double that to 4 sips if it is used as part of the phrases: "Finding love," "Journey for love," "Quest for love," or similar gag-inducing bastardizations of the word.
2 Sips: For every time Sean appears without a shirt on. 3 sips for unnecessary showering scene.
3 Sips: For each flashback to an eliminated girl, set to dramatic music.
4 Sips: For the proposal we all know is coming and the engagement that will be broken off before the next Bachelorette even starts. Five sips if the proposal is read off a folded sheet of paper or sounds like it's being read off a teleprompter.
Take a Swig
1 Swig: For every time someone says they're "here for the right reasons." 2 swigs if they do with a straight face.
2 Swigs: If Sean says "I can see my wife in this room." 5 swigs if he then winks suggestively at the host.
3 Swigs: For every contestant's dress that reveals more cleavage than seems possible, given the laws of physics.
3 Swigs: For every eliminated contestant who appears at The Women Tell All episode with drastically different hair color.
4 Swigs: If the next Bachelorette is announced. Five swigs if it's Sarah.
5 Swigs: For actual physical fighting between any of the contestants. Six swigs if hair-pulling is involved and high heels are worn.
Slam Your Drink: If there is a "surprise" return of a previously eliminated woman before Sean gets around to picking a mate.
Slam Your Drink: If there is any mention whatsoever of the absolute lunacy of finding your soulmate while the aforementioned soulmate is simultaneously dating numerous other people, and will propose before ever having a monogamous relationship with you.
Drink for the Duration of:
Any montage of the women getting ready and/or putting on makeup. Bonus drinks if fake eyelashes are involved.
Show Finale Pick 'Em
This is a new addition to the usual game, and should be saved for the final episode. Each outcome has a certain number of sips. Whichever happens, drink that number. These picks were handicapped using a very complex algorithm that may or may not have involved a dartboard and a lot of bourbon.
Sean picks Lindsay: 7 sips.
Sean picks Catherine: 9 sips.
Sean picks no one: 15 sips.
Sean picks Desiree in a twist ending: 25 sips.
Sean picks Tierra for the big heel turn: 99 sips.
Stop Drinking If:
You find your true love in the bottom of the toilet bowl.