WARNING: This post contains spoilers.
With the finale of Game of Thrones fast approaching, it felt important to pay tribute to the iconic show in the best way I know how: with lots of puns. In a similar vein to our Oscar Nom Noms series, I've put together a collection of recipes that lean into Thrones-related wordplay and will make great viewing-party eats. Now that the Great War is over, it's time to lay in supplies, and fill up on snacks for the Last War.
Baked Brie-nne of Tarth
Much like one of the most skilled warriors in Westeros, baked Brie has been overlooked and ridiculed for far too long. Do the right thing and use your good hand to knight this gallant cheese with a drizzle of honey.
Car-joffrey alla Giudia
While turning a bunch of artichokes might be torture for some, it probably wouldn't check off enough sadistic boxes for Joffrey, the deceased incest-monster boy king. Carciofi alla giudia are crispy little Roman-Jewish fried artichokes that make a great shareable snack—perfect for washing down with a glass or two of poison-free wine.
Like Tyrion, this Maryland baked crab dip knows how to party. It's loaded with seasonings, like Old Baelish, lemon, and mustard, and crowned with a crunchy, buttery bread crumb topping.
Faceless Pan Pizza
Don't worry, you won't need to spend months getting Mr. Miyagi'd by some weirdo named Jaqen in order to master this ridiculously easy pizza recipe. The no-knead, no-stretch dough will ensure stress-free prep in anticipation of the highly stressful spectacle of watching every character you have any affection for meeting the Many-Faced God.
A Song of Spice and Fire
For those mourning the loss of Dany's second fallen dragon-child, Rhaegal, this recipe for buldak (Korean fire chicken) makes a fitting in memoriam menu item. Chicken thighs are marinated in a gochujang-spiked sauce, kissed by fire—dracarys!—on the grill, and finally blanketed with a layer of gooey, melty cheese.
Tacos al Pas-tormund
What's the best way to get over a broken heart? Eat all the tacos. Tormund may have lost out to Jaime in the battle for Brienne's romantic affection, but he would definitely win at putting together a killer batch of homemade al pastor, since making tacos is a whole lot harder than taking off a shirt, which apparently Jaime struggles to do on his own.
For the Meatless Crowd
Frey-to Pie (Vegan Edition!)
Arya's recipe for Frey pie is a tough act to follow, but this vegan take on Frito pie is a lot more appetizing and involves 100% less murder.
Cer-seitan and Mushroom Vegan Ragù Bolognese
Cersei may be bloodthirsty and unscrupulous when it comes to geopolitical power struggles, but that doesn't have to extend to her cooking. Stirring and tending to a simmering pot of bolognese (vegan or otherwise) can be very therapeutic, and there's no shame (despite what the residents of Flea Bottom may have to say about it) in working through her long list of issues by the stove.
It looks like the long-anticipated Cleganebowl is finally going to happen. In preparation for the showdown with his reanimated brother, the Hound would be wise to cut down on his booze intake and work some healthy food into his diet. This vegetarian grain bowl is a great place to start, combining roasted beets and their sautéed greens with red winter wheat, pickled apples, and toasted pecans. (Okay, fine, he can also have a chicken alongside.)
Having a bowl of cooling raita at the table is important when your noble house has a storied history of pyrotechnics, fire-breathing dragons, and hot tempers.
Ser Davos's Stews, Braises, and Casseroles
Ser Davos brought his stew A-game in the buildup to the Battle of Winterfell, cooking up and ladling out hearty braises to the masses. All men must die, but they should at least have the chance to taste this rich Hungarian-American beef goulash before leaving the world of the living.
Osso buco is a special-occasion dish, and it's fitting for a feast celebrating the defeat of the Night King and his squad of wights. This is perfect cold-weather, North-country food: marrow-rich veal shanks, braised in a hearty wine- and vegetable-based sauce.
Chicken Pod Pie
Podrick has shown himself to be a man of many hidden talents, from mastering swordplay (of two kinds) to singing, and there's no doubt he would be able to pull off a killer chicken pot pie to share with his favorite knights. This version, topped with buttermilk drop biscuits, is a surefire crowd-pleaser.
Beef Samwell Barley Soup
Beef barley soup is a great dish for an aspiring maester with a growing family. Once the beef and vegetables have been browned, all you have to do is simmer them in chicken stock for an hour or two until the meat is tender, leaving you plenty of time to catch up on your ancient scroll-reading.
In Speakeasy, Jason Kosmas and Dushan Zaric of Employees Only call the Campari spritz the predecessor of the popular Aperol spritz: "Whereas the Aperol version is soft, the Campari version is bold and assertive."
If that doesn't describe our favorite world-saving assassin, then I don't know what does. This drink has no interest in being the wifed-up lady of any Westeros house. Gendry must have had it confused with the Aperol version.
Bastards generally have a rough go of it in Westeros, and between being enlisted in the Night's Watch and getting caught up in claims for the Iron Throne, they need to drown their sorrows once in a while. This cocktail has a reputation for being a breaker of hangover chains, but you don't need to be suffering from a skull-crushing headache to enjoy it.
Dark and Stormborn-y
Daenerys's return to her ancestral island home didn't go exactly as hoped for. She would have been better off kicking back with a Dark and Stormy at a more tropical oasis while her armies rested up for a bit before heading to King's Landing to take on Cersei. But hindsight is 20/20, unless you're Bran, in which case all sight—past, present, and future—is 20/20, for all the good it does anyone, although that is a sweet chair.
If you prefer to keep your GoT viewing completely alcohol-free, then a mango lassi is a strong beverage candidate. It's safe to say that there will be more dark moments and death in the final Thrones episodes, and this drink will at least bring a little sunny brightness to the mix.
The odds of Game of Thrones having a sweet and completely satisfying ending are pretty, pretty low. But that doesn't mean your meal needs to follow suit.
Dark double-caramel flan is a good match for the dark soul and double-crossing ways of the house that's still in power in King's Landing. Cersei's probably not going to share any custardy desserts with either of her brothers, so this flan for one is right up her alley.
One last memorial recipe, this one in honor of the recently departed Missandei. Collective grieving over ice cream is a tried-and-true coping mechanism, and we'd love to make Grey Worm a cajeta sundae to ease the pain of missing out on the coastal retirement plan he made with Missandei. But he also should have known that making long-term personal plans is a no-no in his world.