Recently, while wandering about at a local farmer's market, I overheard the following...
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Ya wanna know what it means to be from Jersey? Ya never get a friggin' break. All year long I wait for this time of year—summer—'cause it's the only time where there is any point to eating freshly-picked tomatoes. I'm sittin' in the farmers' market waiting for somebody to say "ooh, a Jersey tomato" and pick me up and let me fulfill my tomato destiny. And what are people talking about instead?
Snooki and The Situation! Like I friggin' care! When Snooki can make a decent marinara sauce, then she can call herself a real Jersey girl! Snooki couldn't make a good friggin' gravy if Lidia friggin' Bastianich was up Snooki's spandex-ed little behind.
First tomato blight, then Jersey Shore. Now listen to me: people have been coming to Jersey farmers' markets to get good tomatoes in season waaay before stupid reality TV programs. Ya know what you're smellin' when you walk past an Italian grandma's house 3 p.m. on a Sunday? Me, freshly picked—not some friggin' canned crap. That nonna's sauce is why her grandson Vinnie still lives in his mama's house, even if he's 35 years old.
No one ever picked up a tomato and friggin' said: "oh, I really wish this was from New York." But still I'm getting no respect here, no love. Do I amuse you? This whole Jersey Shore thing really...tees...me off, almost as much as being called a vegetable.
I'M BOTANICALLY A FRUIT, YOU MORONS! Deal with it, and learn how to pronounce mozzarella and manicotti!
So you know what you're gonna do? You're gonna turn off Jersey Shore, slice up some tomatoes, and throw those bad boys on some fancy lettuce with a pile of real friggin' Italian Gorgonzola. Then drizzle on some red wine vinegar and a little extra virgin (you know you're not gonna find that down on the Boardwalk)! That's the real taste of Jersey!
And don't give me any crap about not fitting into a bikini or breaking a nail. Now excuse me, I gotta go tanning because I gotta hot date with some ripe avocado and shucked corn later in the week. Ciao!
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