Did you know you can commission custom fortune cookies for a gag gift or fundraiser? My friend’s son’s elementary school did it. Who do you think can write better fortunes, professional cookie scribes or a bunch of kids?
If you guessed “a bunch of kids,” you’re right. Here are some actual fortunes they wrote.
A big whale falls from the sky and squashed you until you’re pretty much dead. Not completely dead, but pretty much.
I hate it when that happens, but it’s nothing compared to this debacle:
In five minutes, you will be attacked by a pear. It will eat you because you were going to eat it.
In the immortal words of Shakespeare: Exit, pursued by a pear.
But nothing prepared me for my own personal fortune, which was written by a first-grade girl who has probably already gone on to write a bestselling series of horror novels.
There’s a lake with a unicorn sitting in short grass. The unicorn will sleep; you will get dragged deep in the forest.
Zen Buddhist horror novels, I mean.
Not every fortune was genius. My wife got one that just said:
You are a donkey.
To keep this food-related, I should say that the cookies themselves were pretty stale. According to my daughter, they “tasted stupid.” Which sounds like the sort of thing a six-year-old would write for a fortune cookie.
This post may contain links to Amazon or other partners; your purchases via these links can benefit Serious Eats. Read more about our affiliate linking policy.