Serious Eats - seriouseats.com

As an unabashed condiment slut [I, too, have blocked many a pickle aisle, in a giddy daze], I've got a number of those listed above. In addition, I've got a squad of Beaver mustards: cranberry [hello, turkey!], Maui onion, sweet/hot and my fave, Coney Island hot dog. It's this crazy mix of onions, relish, mustard and ketchup, kicked with a little horseradish - and it's perfect on a sausage or anything piggy.

And as a true resident of the great NW, I've got my go-to jar of Nalley's horseradish mustard. Not quite a stone-ground, so thick the knife stands at attention, it's got just enough horseradish to remind you it's there, but not overwhelming. This was the first mustard I remember tasting, and remains my benchmark for all of my other mustard explorations.

Oh, sweet Jesus, how I love me some Dick's. Over the years, while standing in line waiting for my very own bag o'Dicks, I have been serenaded by the Seattle Gay Men's Chorus, introduced Louis Malle to the beauty of the Deluxe, and traded make-up tips with some of Seattle's fanciest drag performers. Spectacular theatre, but secondary to leaning in the window, rattling off your order ["one cheese, one deluxe, one fry, please!"] and being handed the little white bags of greasy goodness.

I have had fast food burgers all over the country, and maybe it's because they were the first burger I ever ate, Dick's is still my standard for all others [yes, including In-n-Out - wonderful, but not Dick's].

Oh, and another reason why they're held in high esteem in the area - they start their staff pay at a couple of bucks over minimum, offer full medical [100% paid by Dick's] to anyone working over 24 hours a week and are actively involved in giving back to the community. No, I'm not a shill. It's just that I've been eating there almost as long as they been open, and Dick's plays a central part in some of my happiest memories. Love them!

My secret ingredient to almost every "salad" sammy? Chopped radish. Yum. It gives everything a slightly spicy, crunchy, lightly wet oomph, without overwhelming the primary flavor. When making these salads, my mirepoix is scallions, celery and radish.

- Thick-sliced bologna and chunky style peanut butter, smooshed between a couple of pieces of squishy white bread [crusts optional].
- Processed cheese from a can - bacon flavor, of course - on Ritz crackers.
- Maraschino cherries in my scotch-on-the-rocks [but only at home, and only in the blends].
- Whipped cream, shot from the can, straight into the mouth [best done while still in jammies for maximum debasement/joy].
- A ginormous pupu platter while downing cocktails @ the local greasy Chinese joint [they always have the BEST bars].

Oh, god, I hang my head in delicious shame [only to spy my burgeoning belly].

While Brown & Haley's Almond Roca may be a little too upscale for this list, their Mountain bars are not. Though I find the original and cherry flavors to be cloyingly sweet, their peanut Mountain bar is heaven - like a Reese's cup on steroids. [and if you get a chance to drop by their factory, they sell a lot of seconds of all of their sweets at truly great - and dangerous - prices]

On my soapbox:
I'm just as tired of pretension and poseurs as the rest of you, but I agree with the sentiment posted by ccbweb [wherein smart and well-educated = elitist and bad]. When did we become a nation of toothless ya-hoos, celebrating the dumbing down of everything? I'm not being a humour-nazi, I'm just saddened by the fact that this sentiment seems to be the one that garnered us our current electorate ["Why, I could have a beer with him!"] and might dictate the election of the next ["She's so pretty!"]. Sigh.
Off my soapbox. Thank you and have a great lunch.

A couple more suggestions to accompany the plate:

- Dalmatia fig spread [with or without orange]
- Skillet Street Foods' Bacon Jam
- Fresh, local honey for drizzling - or better yet, a little honeycomb
- Dress the plate with fresh herbs; your guests can add them to their tastes or use them for a little palate cleansing. Chive flowers make a gorgeous presentation.
- Some nice, buttery cerignola olives or yummy picholines

Seek out and grab a copy of Donna Hay's magazine [she's the Martha of Australia, without the pucker] and you'll never look back...

Maybe it's a West Coast thing, but I'd add tacos - and my beloved taco trucks - to this list as well...

Barbecue:
A.) is always a noun [Unless it's four in the morning and you've fired up the smoker for that long, delicious day of poking, reading and stacking to begin]
B.) is something you get invited to in a friend's backyard [Grilling, unless it's their smoker you're firing up @ 4am]
C.) cannot contain liquid smoke [Sacrilege, not to mention nasty]

Fried Chicken:
A.) must always be pan-fried in a cast-iron skillet [While beyond fabulous in the right hands, not a must - though this is the best chicken for a honey drizzle]
B.) can just as good made in a fryolator [My grandmother and the Korean chicken in town]
C.) is the most delicious way to cook chicken [Tough call; see barbeque]
D.) is the best fast food on the planet [Um, no. Pork always wins, no matter what]

Hamburgers:
A.) should only be eaten rare or medium-rare [Absolutely. Otherwise, the drippy-juice-gods will be angered and smite us with more McD's concoctions - remember the burger enhanced with wood fiber?]
B.) need to be served on a potato roll to be considered great [While potato rolls are yummy, it's not the kind of bread as much as it is the meat to bread ratio. And the bun should be lightly dipped in the meat juices and grilled]
C.) do not need cheese [There's the ratio thing again. This rule also applies to bacon]
D.) need to be at least 15 percent fat to be considered great [So sayeth the drippy-juice-gods]

Hot dogs:
A.) need to have a natural casing to be considered great [Snap!]
B.) should be all-beef [Pork, or a combination. There is truly nothing like pork fat]
C.) are best eaten grilled or griddled [Or off a stick, or from a cart in spring, or from the stands, watching Ichiro's butt. Anyway, except from those scary rolly cookers found in convenience stores]
D.) taste best deep-fried [Not necessarily best, but if lacking A., certainly a good option]
E.) are best eaten standing up [see C.]

Pizza:
A.) is the world's most perfect food [Right up there with burgers]
B.) must be made in a coal or wood-burning oven [Or over a fire on the beach]
C.) should never have pineapple on it [My personal rule: no fruit, no fish, no fowl. Clams are mollusks and are exempt from this rule. My other two food rules? Never eat anything that has a color not found in nature and never eat anything bigger than your head. All else is fair game.]
D.) must have discrete areas of sauce and cheese [Cheese yes, but sauce - while used sparingly - should be available for every Perfect Bite]
E.) all of the above [see A]

Maybe because it was the only brand purchased when I was growing up, but to this day I prefer all flavors of Nalley's pickles. Bread & Butter, Baby Garlic Dill, Spicy Dill, Sweet with Ginger - yum!

They're a local NW brand [since snapped up by one of the bigger food purveyors]; I once told a boyfriend I couldn't possibly follow him to Los Angeles because I wouldn't be able to get my pickle fix. Okay, so I was a fool...

Also love, love, love the Mother's brand of Indian pickles. Spicy, puckery, slightly messy - always fabulous with something straight off the grill.

Crushed San Marzanos, bufala mozz, capicola, thin strips of Walla Walla sweets. Sometimes I swap out the onions for sliced kalamatas or peppadews. A fine shred of fresh basil when it's sliced, and I'm in heaven.

I used to adhere strictly to the no fruit/no fish/no fowl [puhlease, enough with the barbecue-Thai-chicken-mandarin orange nonsense pies], but I do love a good clam pie now and then.

Years ago I was taught to smack the center of a sealed jar lid with a knife handle. This releases enough of the seal to make opening the jar a breeze. p.s.: Looove that tip about the sticky ingredient measuring!

Fancy-schmancy burger: coarse ground sirloin, grilled rare, on a toasted ciabatta roll from LaBrea bakery. Topped with smooshes of Oregonzola, a couple strips of Nueske's bacon, sautéed Walla Wallas and a thin schmear of chipolte mayo mixed with chopped green olives.
Basic goody gut-bomb: good chuck formed into the thinnest patty, heavily salt & peppered, quickly fried. Add some onions to the pan, top the burgers with American to maximize the melty-cheesiness, and pile the whole drippy mess onto squishy white buns dressed with Nalley's horseradish mustard and bread & butter pickles. If it's tomato season, throw on a slice or two and call it good.