Serious Eats - seriouseats.com

Assuming that you may have readers in places other than NYC, I love the apple turnovers -- and other pastries -- from Patisserie Poupon in Baltimore, Md (and Georgetown, D.C.). They also sell them at Tryst, the D.C. coffeeshop that was blogger central on CNN during the election coverage last night.

Their apple danish (though it seems wrong to call it a danish with all the things that usually implies) are the best pastries I've had in any city, including Paris (where I was vaguely disappointed) and I miss them badly here in NY. Ceci-Cela's and Balthazar's are close, but don't really measure up.

Forget it! Get a zipcar or something and drive all the way out to Hot Bagels, on Montauk Highway in Sayville, Long Island. Then, since you're stuck way out there already, go hang out on the beach for the rest of the morning, then get a beer and some steamers at the Cull House and forget about the city for a while.

I haven't lived here nearly long enough to have a favorite -- although I don't think anything could be better than Esca -- but I had a really great meal at San Ambroeus the other night. Great homemade pasta and an excellent special, baby lamb chops (with radicchio in a demi-glace -- I never got to eat like that in D.C.).

Like a lot of pricey upper east side-type Italian restaurants (though this one has relocated to the West Village), the whole trick in eating affordably and sticking to a reasonable caloric intake is ordering half-portions of pasta or risotto, then splitting an entree with your date or pal. Works every time, and you usually have room for dessert or extra cash for a good bottle of wine.

Since you called this a Rorshach test, I am going to talk more about what immediately came to mind for each one. But I would love to see you turn this into a whole Briggs-Meyers thing. Tasting vs. Seasoning, Overindulging vs. Portion-Controlling, Cooking vs. Taking-Out, etc.

Here were my answers, which you will no doubt find terribly revealing.

* 1) Haagen Dasz is becoming unfortunately more and more like B&J. In the past it was always Haagen Dasz because you would compare the ingredients. Haagen Dasz would have something like five, and Ben and Jerry's, something like fifty. Anyway, I see a tree here. A vanilla bean tree. With nice long vanilla bean pods. Which is odd, as vanilla grows on vines.

* 2) Skippy or Jif? The first thing that came to mind was a little guy in a Peter Pan costume, who I assumed was Skippy. But then I realized, no, that's Peter Pan. I guess Peter Pan is in the public domain or something? It seems odd that there are Peter Pan buses driving around, and Peter Pan peanut butter, and this guy -- and neither the estate of JM Barrie, nor Disney, nor Johnny Depp can do a thing about it.

At any rate, who was Skippy? I am trying to imagine the peanut butter label. First, I see the label with Skippy from "Family Ties" on it. That can't be right, so I focus again... and now it's Waldo, as in, the person people are always asking Where he is. That can't be right, either, but Skippy must look something like that. For Jif, I draw a blank altogether -- yet, of course, that is the peanut butter I have always preferred.

* 3) Whenever I see a bialy, I always want to feed it. Perhaps that's because all I see is their deep depression. (1)

This urge to feed those who are depressed is probably a cultural thing picked up from either my Italian or my Jewish grandparents, that goes pretty far back. It's quite confusing to me, as it seems like a bad impulse that could mess up any kids I may eventually have. How much are you charging per hour for this, anyway? Is my time up?

* 4) Regular cream cheese. Whipping something unwhippable is a crime made only possible by heavy industry, but maybe Ferran Adria would disagree. Some people are all for advancing food technology and enhancing "mouth feel" and all that. I think regular cream cheese has pretty darn good mouth feel, and is already industrial enough. But maybe I am a hypocrite for preferring "natural" cream cheese, which is like protesting the invention of new kinds of balogna.

* 5) I've completely forgotten what you asked for number 5. Perhaps the post a reply page should show the original post above? Just a suggestion (David).

* 6) Dark chocolate is clearly having its Best Year Ever.

* 7) I have only in recent years learned that there was a difference between salted and sweet butter, and I still am surprised by this the two or three times a year I actually go to buy some (the rest of the year it magically appears in the fridge on a semi-monthly basis, which is one of the happy side effects of being married). I just thought there was the butter I can buy, and the stuff they have in restaurants that actually tastes good. This is probably the result of having grown up a ways out on Long Island, which until recently was a surefire way to know nothing about food that wasn't red sauce-based, from a deli, caught in the bay, or ordered by its number and taken home with a free cookie.

* 8) Corned beef and pastrami are both more satisfying than cigarettes, but probably as surefire a way to shorten your life. I have no scientific basis for this immediate reaction. They both have a lot of formaldehyde in them, right? No? Sorry, I don't know who gave me that stupid idea. On Long Island we made pastrami from Biology class frogs.

* 9) Onion Rings are not on the same playing field as French Fries, no matter how equal placement Burger King gives them on the menu. Onion Rings are like the Mets of burger sides. (2)

* 10) Question number ten is a trick question. It really should be written: do you still have any hangups -- after all, you grew up on Long Island -- writing in a public forum that you prefer an espresso-based, milky drink to a working-class, good enough for you back when you were working a real job, less-than-a-dollar cup of coffee? And, if not, are you going to think it makes you sound edgier, or more European, to say "espresso," and not the frothy, milky, latte or cappuccino?

At any rate, espresso, of course -- I mean, a good strong cup of black American coffee. From Dunkin Donuts. They have really good coffee, you know. (This is what is called a "Long Island conceit." People say this to make fun of people who live in cities, then get into their SUV, drive five miles to the drive-thru Starbucks, and order a frappuccino.)

* 11) ... (Sorry, still trying to imagine "pliant" bacon. The image that came to mind was of a Bacon Gumby.)

* 12) White or Dark Meat? I had forgotten there was dark meat.

(1) This is a bialy joke!!

(2) For anyone just joining us, what you saw above, with the dig on the Mets, was called "being a troll." Or "making a joke," if you prefer. At any rate, I am glad my e-mail address is not published here. And now... I am thinking that I hope the admin for this site is not a Mets fan. And that he doesn't remember how to do that awesome e-mail denial of service attack thing he is fond of recounting to people sometimes in the elevator. )