Serious Eats - seriouseats.com

I've been serving for five years, almost always part-time, at three different restaurants, in two very different cities. Serving in Pennsylvania is not the same as in Silicon Valley. The rules above, while generally helpful (and mildly funny), are going to have to be tweaked (perhaps overhauled) based on location.

In PA, as a young server, I could bend over backwards for guests in and out of my section. People wanted to hear me talk in general, whether about the menu, their interests, or myself. (Okay, fine, not the latter.)

Where I work now, a good 20-30% of our patrons have no clue how to dine in an American restaurant. Waving your hand and snapping your fingers at me as I walk by with a tray full of drinks is not the only way to procure my attention, children. Not infrequently, I have tables INTERRUPT me as I'm taking an order at a neighboring table, yelling over the Friday night din that they need me. Maybe you're reading this, thinking, "this guy must be a lousy server," but actually I'm not, just unfortunate to work in the capital of self-entitlement. I once gave the ordering table an empathizing smile and said excuse me and looked at the next-door table and said, "You'll have to wait your turn, it's these people's turn to order right now." (They were a memorable table to wait on. I kept asking them if they were ready to order and they kept saying No, only to finally lean over and start harassing me while I was engaged with another table. Needless to say, said other table was a pleasant bunch, and I purposefully engaged them in conversation after taking their order just because of the interruption. Remember that, all ye guests who think you're more special than the other guests you're sharing the restaurant with.)

I've learned that some patrons actually enjoy being patronized...and some just really deserve it anyway.

There's a weird health-freak author out there who takes this to a whole other level. He calls it the "Law of Signatures," and states, rather unconvincingly, that the best foods to support any given system of the bear anatomical resemblance to the organs in questions.

For example, he cites the eye. We all know carrots are good for eyesight, but he claims that if you cut a carrot crosswise--Voila!--you have an eyeball, iris, etc. And tomatoes are good for heart health, and that's easily explained by their size, color, and the fact that they have four chambers filled with red fluid. (Really? Red fluid?)

And for women's health, the avocado, which looks kind of like a uterus--and takes, strangely, 9 months to mature on the tree. And men? Well, nothing quite looks so male as a pair of figs--filled with little seeds that may or may not resemble the interior of male gonads.

Does one have to eat them in pairs to receive the health benefit??

I happen to be sipping my last of the overpriced but incredibly-balanced Coconut Porter from Maui Brewing Co. Subtle coconut and smooth maltiness combine with mild hopping to make this one of my all-time favorite porters.

I used to bartend, I now wait tables, and work at a popular chain brewhouse. We have a well-stocked bar, and our cocktails aren't anything special, but we have our own line of beers and now and then you get some boring-looking white guy asking for Budweiser, and I have to explain that our domestic beer selection is limited, despite having 30 beers on tap. This is amusing to me more than anything.

Bottom line: if you tip well, even if you're a douchebag (although I prefer if you're courteous), I'll do whatever you want. Unfortunately, in my area, tipping tends to be low, and attitude high, and if you strike me as that kind of guest, I will have my fun with you!

Just a suggestion: everyone who ever considers dining out should work at least a week in the restaurant business. A server is actually a servant. You will know what it's like to have to sweat for your bread, to be blamed by everyone for problems that usually aren't your fault (and you can frequently do nothing about), and how astoundingly rude, careless, and selfish many people really are.

Bear Republic's Rye is great bottled, but we sell it on tap at my work, and it's a deliciously hopped ale, but I can only imagine its depth were it served on cask. Anybody hear of that being done?