You ever seen Brad Pitt? Yeah... nothing like him. I blog about all things food, sometimes positive, sometimes not....but always no bullshit.

  • Website
  • Location: Portsmouth, NH
  • Favorite foods: That's like asking which of your kids you like better! Most anything really...NO, SERIOUSLY most anything.
  • Last bite on earth: Some kind of meat washed down with some kind of liquor...or if there's no meat...more liquor.

Latest Comments

Manner Matters: Hands off My Cake

An immediate shanking between the 4th and 5th rib...preferably with the end of a toothbrush thats been sharpened to a fine point on concrete. Shy of that I suppose a table knife would also work...but please do not attempt this action with a demitasse spoon.

Onions and digestive issues.

This distress is probably due to an imbalance of bodily humors and probably caused by a small toad or gnome living in your stomach. What I suggest is a good bleeding followed by 4 intense sessions of bi-weekly leechings...and maybe a good shave.

Theodoric of York ~ MB (Midieval Barber)

Ideas for egglant puree other than baba ghanoush

toothpaste?! yeah... probably not... I'll keep thinking on that one...

I'm quitting the site

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

Headed Cross Country, Need Suggestions!

You'd be doing yourself a disservice if you didn't stop in the #Lou #StL... too many serious places to eat to mention... but if you have thoughts on what you'd be eating or time I can give you a ton of food for thought.

What won't you allow in your kitchen/pantry?

The only thing I wouldn't allow in my pantry is a person who believes there's something that doesn't belong in a pantry.

Gone-but-not-forgotten local joints of your youth

@CandiRisk.... are you still in the Portsmouth NH area? I wish there was a place in the area now that did a good chopped liver! I do know of some good paté!

Pre-cooked bacon: Where's the fat gone?

The bacon fat from pre-cooked bacon goes to hell...and it drags the bacon and the people who eat it to hell with it. Don't use pre-cooked bacon. 18-22 minutes for thick cut bacon on a sheet pan in the oven at 400 F is not hard... unless you're just trying to make burgers juuuuuuuust barely as good as everyone else. If that's the case then why bother?! I'm with @MeatGuy... you have to die of something... I'm just hoping mine is sex related, and topped with bacon and/or bacon fat.

British foods to bring to US friends?

Definitely chocolate bars, biscuits and crisps. I'd say Tea but most stores now carry PG Tips or Lyon Gold Blend. World Market has cured my craving for Coleman's mustard, and you can also find tinned puddings as well as spotted dick.

Dear Local Pizzeria: Ranch is NOT Tuscan.

Ranch, or as I like to call it... "Southern Ketchup" is finding it's way into everything. When I lived in Alabama I saw it used for everything from baked potatoes to wing sauce.

Let not your heart be troubled @Kenji, I truly believe this is just a reminder of how insulated we (by we I mean people who care about the food industry and quality food products.) are. We surround ourselves with like minded people, then when we stumble upon "Tuscan Ranch Pizza" we're shocked. We shouldn't be, because places like Taco Bell are pumping out shit-tastic dorito taco's by the millions and people recognize this as "Mexican" food.

So much so that actual Mexican restaurants run and owned by actual Mexicans don't have something as simple as maybe roast pork, white onion, lime juice and cilantro on a charred corn tortilla, (what few people would recognize as a taco) but rather smother a flour tortilla with orange colored ground mystery meat, smother it with salsa, iceberg lettuce, yellow cheddar and FFS...sour cream!

So a pizzaria taking liberties with fried chicken, bacon and ranch on pizza hardly seems like a stretch. It's all about keeping up with the "dollar menus" and "Value Meal Mentality" that perpetuates this kind of food horror.

So just when you think things are going in the right direction because you saw rock tripe and pine candles on a menu, look out....cause some asshole's looking to double down with a ketchup, funyon and peep pizza.

How To Make Real Barbecue at Home with Hill Country Chef Elizabeth Karmel

I love all BBQ regardless of origin if it's done well. That being said, now that I've experienced the Ribalizer, I rearely go out anymore.... before that I thought a puppy and a jar of Skippy were the shit.

This Week at Serious Eats World Headquarters

@Teachertalk... I'm not sure how you misconstrued what I wrote? I'm with you guys... MORE ANIMALS! Just cute fluffy animals all the time.... I hate it when food gets in the way. And seriously if we could just make the site one XXXL slideshow, that would be awesome too....Have it so the visitors have to click through 20 puppy pictures to see anything food related.

And can I just say thank heavens we've gotten rid of the last of the great writers this site once had. Now we can focus on Puppies, ignoring social media and stepping up the lackluster writing efforts. Now if only we could get rid of talk and the community altogether, we might just have something.

This Week at Serious Eats World Headquarters

You should take out the ugly food pictures and pictures of awful people and maybe throw in a vine video of purring kittens...The dogs are nice, but I'm starting to think there's a cat hater amongst you. It would go well with the "we pander to animal lovers" theme and would get you more pageviews.

While you're at it maybe change the site's name to, and then bring in baby ferrets, bunnies, hamsters (in a ball or on a wheel of course)etc...This would serve two purposes, 1 you could bring in things like carrots, and herbs for animal food filling the whole "sure there's food in this site for all the dimwits who come for that narrow minded sort of thing" and 2... they're cute as hell FFS!

Also, could someone please explain to me why there aren't more articles on baking/cooking for our pets? I mean damn, what kind of heartless bastards are you to constantly push food for humans and completely ignore our cute furry friend's needs? I mean honestly, animals are people too.

Cocktail 101: How to Cut Citrus Wedges

@Michael Dietsch ... Thanks for the congrats, but in fairness I wrote 659 words regarding the silly subject. I wrote 483 words in response to another comment. I am however flattered that you took the time to not only read my thoughts, but you also went the extra mile to count "about" the number of words I used.

Unfortunately you're incorrect with regard to my writing 659 words for free as I wrote it over the course of my work day. So not only did I get paid for writing my thoughts on the expository piece, but I also got paid to write a response to the "unappreciative" commenter.

In the "for what it's worth" file... I'd like to say that I enjoy your writing and your style. My thoughts on citrus wedges are not in any way reflective of my thoughts on your writing specifically, but rather on the subject matter itself. I find your writing to be informative, interesting and I apologize if you took my thoughts as a personal affront.

There... now we can be friends again.


A Serious Eater vs. college food.

College is what you're supposed to look back on and lament about all the awful food you ate. @Double_J probably said it best "Hack your ramen". Back in the day we called it "cooking funk" but didn't know the joys of Sriracha or fish sauce. The craziest thing you could get in the Asian food aisle of the grocery store in rural NH was La Choy chow mein in a can!

I have eaten everything from egg shells to a dead lobster and drank beer out of someone's barn boot. Were these all good experinces? No, but it's preferable to telling your grandchildren about an excellent steak tartare you had as a Freshman.

You should instead be telling them stories out of earshot of "grandma" about pizza you had of questionable provinance you got from a convenience store at 3 am before going home with a woman of even more questionable moral fiber. Then upon awaking a day and a half later, leaning on the grace and mercy of friends and aquaintences to help you piece the events of the previous adventure together. What was up with the goat, and where did the prosthetic eye come from?

Trust me you'll get to know the good pizza joints and hell maybe even educate your fellow classmates on the virtues of good pizza. Good pizza being what it is tends to come at a premium so you'll get to start using your education in real world situations. Chances are you will be learning about such things as economies of scale and the thought process will go thusly.

If we all chip in and get the good pizza and the good beer we will all get one slice of pizza and maybe 2 beers. If we all chip in and get the broke-assed pizza and the broke-assed beer...we will all have full stomachs plus breakfast. As an ancillary benefit to having plenty of beer, you will have stories to tell the grandkids about "how I tried to fight all my dorm mates", "was a gentleman and held a girls hair while she took the toilet for a spin", and "nearly got grandma's best friend pregnant."

Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to focus on great food... probably when your about 70 after having paid off your student loans, your mortgage, put 4 kids through that same damned college, Well 31/2 kids, because Junior thinks he's a rock star and quit his junior year to run off to CA to become the next Dave Matthews (or insert whatever awful singer you want here), bought more throw pillows throw rugs and window treatments (that's the expensive way your wife will say shades) than you care to think about, gym memberships, insurance premiums, and Car Payments.

By then however, you're just going to want some peace and quiet. You'll be on your way to the grocery store across town because it's 15 minutes of extra silence. On the way there you're going to see that sausage stand you used to eat at in college and smell those peppers and onions mixed with wonderful spiced charred sausage and you're going to realize you didn't miss out on the "good food", because sometimes food is as much about the experience and the company as it is about the actual food.

Enjoy your freshman year!


Cocktail 101: How to Cut Citrus Wedges

@Salaranth ... it's because I went too far with the stickers bit wasn't it... dammit I knew that would be too much.

Also, you were fascinated to learn a slit could be cut into the end of a lemon and then that slit could be utilized to stand a lemon on its end?! Really?!

Well my friend, allow me to enlighten you on some other uses for our friend the lemon:

Lemon juice added to water can keep thinks like apple slices or artichokes from turning brown.

A lemon wedge thrown into the garbage disposal will help keep it smelling fresh.

Using duct tape and lemons you can fashion a fairly inexpensive helmet that will protect your head should you accidentally walk into a wall or go head first into the top half of a Dutch door.

Adding a lemon to the inside of each shoe will act as a lift if your date is taller than you. It's not a great lift but at least it's better than being really short and having smelly feet.

In a pinch lemon curd could be utilized as an impromptu under-arm deodorant.

Lemon juice added to a mixed drink laced with cyanide will cover up that tell-tale almond smell, and the wife will finally be able to run away with her tennis instructor Estaban.

Lemons are great for keeping the neighbors kids out of your yard. Don't believe me?! A child won't soon forget a Nolan Ryan Expressed lemon to the side of their squash. The downside to this elephant like memory will be seen on Halloween and you're stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit on your porch.

Lemons are great for babies...actually I don't know if that's true... but have a video camera and a youtube channel available because I don't give a damn who you are, nothing is funnier than watching a baby suck on a lemon for the first time... (Pro Tip: Have a kitten walking around in the background and that video is going more viral than herpes)

Just so we're clear using lemon in an actual drink you're going to serve humans should be avoided at all costs as it tends to mask the alcohol taste that reminds us of what the hell we're drinking it for in the first get drunk!

We get drunk so we can forget how much we need to shell out for Timmy's braces, the Great Dane's nerve pills cause it turns out a dog larger than some small horses is afraid of loud noises, or for the Visa bills we're getting now showing us that the next time we get "In the Christmas Spirit" maybe we should just go ahead and tell Burl Ives to stick Holly Jolly Christmas up his arse!

Lastly @Salanth... lighten up... I wasn't attacking anyone, I was just having fun with a silly subject. Toodles! XXOO


Cocktail 101: How to Cut Citrus Wedges

Bravo... thanks so much for doing this SE! This would have seemed out of reach or even impossible before this tutorial. I do however have a few questions:

What if I don't own a knife? Can I do this with say, a laser pointer or a grapefruit spoon?

I noticed you didn't show a lime cut into 64 pieces (just an observation). I'm guessing my hopes of pulling off even the "24" maneuver thing is as unatainable as bagging a 12 point unicorn.

I'd say the benefits of having a lime cut into 24 pieces would be so the barkeep could maintain a nice clean tumb from the acid in the cirtus, and you'd get the benefit of getting a taste of whatever that finger touched last... essence of Marlboro, whatever was on that nasty POS screen and nose sqeezins.

Can this same technique be applied to other things such as a potato or an onion?

Where would one purchase something as exotic as a lime or a lemon?

I haven't seen these in the circle K down the street... must be a New York thing with all your "fancy foods".

If I do find these would it be a good garnish for say, zucchini milk?

I noticed you used a cutting board...can this be done on something less flat like perhaps a Zebra's hind quarters?

Is a jaunty angle the opposite of a right angle? I was never very good with's all good, I was probably out the day they taught jaunty angles anyway.

I noticed you took the stickers off... if you're going to throw those away I'd like to have them as I collect stickers in a bag next to my bag of toenail clippings. It'd be quite the coup to get something as exotic as lemon or lime stickers.

I'm so glad you washed the fruit well before peeling the stickers off, I like a clean sticker as much as the next person...

Did you get a chance to clean the underside of the sticker or will I have to clean that myself?

What about the peel under the sticker, did that get washed or was it sterilized before they put the sticker on it?

If you are lucky enough to have a knife and you peel that nasty sticker off with you have to throw the knife away?

You had an experience with a sticker being on the fruit in your drink not once, but twice in Providence?! Damn I thought the bartender knocking a 3" cockroach off the side of my beer glass in Houston was a horrifying experience... good thing I take my beer sans fruit.

I'm not sure if you know this but if you take the seeds away there will be nothing left to clog up the end of the straw if it goes into a diet coke...I think this could be fixed however by not putting a lemon in a diet coke. Although I'm positive Lemons probably have no flavor and don't make a diet coke taste... oh I don't know.... lemony. So keep throwing them in there anyway, this probably never pisses a customer off that would rather have an additional straw in the drink as opposed to fruit.

Also, if I had a knife I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be cutting off the ends... that seems rather cruel. I'll bet there's a special place in hell for you "Citrus Aesthetic" types.

Thanks again for all your help in the mysterious world of fruit wedging...I'm breathlessly waiting for what will come next, how to stem cherries, cocktail onions: to spoon or not to spoon, "Ice: The lost recipe", Our friend grenadine, The coasters aren't just a 50's R&B group, Pouring Beer: Up yours baristas!, Water with Lemon-a.k.a.-This is gonna be a huge tip...

I was going to go practice on a turnip, but the damned Cat stole the laser pointer. OH LOOK... A RED DOT!

In Our Community Corner: Meet Michael Therieau (aka: 'Pavlov')

@Teachertalk you're so very kind, thank you very much. No I was saying I'd like to cook with my father... we watched "The French Chef" on TV before he would go to work in the afternoon when I was a kid. I think it was what motivated me to cook, and one cooking experience begat another until it snowballed into me finally making it to culinary school. So I'd say my father was instrumental (read: to blame) for me getting involved in such a crazy industry. I rarely come here anymore but feel free to follow the link under my mugshot and you can read my food rants anytime you'd like. My latest bit is on Route 11 Potato Chips. I'm glad you enjoyed my musings:-)

Where (oh where) has my fake BFF Will Gordon gone?

@bobcatsteph3 your first three words said it all. "This is Tragic." I now have zero reason to come to this site. Now I can go write my "Fare Thee Well" letter to SE. C'iao.

I would like info on the snap of a hot dog in reviews

for me personally, I need to know A) Does it have a casing or not and B) method of cooking... I'm just afraid a "Snap-O-Meter" is just too subjective... but what the heck do I know?! LOL

WFO Dream Job--I'm in mine finally, what's yours?

Knee jerk, taking inventory for a blind liquor store owner would be my dream job... seriously, writing about where food comes from and from behind the scenes in a restaurants showing people how it's prepared... so I'm half way there.

Will it melt?

DOH! and that should have read "particular viscosity" in the second to last paragraph.... I don't want to confuse anyone! Although calculating a "particular velocity" can be done....

Will it melt?

Can you calculate the surface to mass ratio, the R-value of the container, the air temperature of the following... the inside of the ice cream freezer, the regular average air temp of the grocery store, (a mean average would be fine) The air temp of the outside, the air temp of the bus and average time spent and distance traveled in each.

I need the core temperature of the ice cream, it's density and viscosity as well as the sugar content represented as a percentage. Was it plain ice cream (i.e. vanilla or were there chunks or swirls) If there are chunks I need to know what they were along with the density/size/temperature of each.

I need to know what it was carried in and a rough r-value assigned to the carrying device as well as the volume of said device and relative air temp. I also need to know if the device has a handle or was it carried with your hand underneath it... if we are talking about a bag this will make a difference and also did you set it in your lap or hug it close to your body, if so what kind of clothing (type of fabric) was it and how thick as this will need to assigned and R-value as well.

Also, what was your estimated body temperature at the time (i.e. if you had a cold it may have been elevated), had you been touching anything cold? What was put in your carrying device and what were the insulating properties/Density/relative internal temperatures/surface to mass ratio of each item? (For instance an item such as a newspaper would have an insulating property to it as opposed to canned goods or heaven forbid a rotisserie chicken.)

The last information to determine how long your ice cream will last before melting will be, how windy was it? (if I can get this in kph it would be preferrable to mph)What kind of surfaces were you walking on? (concrete, asphalt and tile all have different emissivity ratings and reflective properties.)

Would you say it was sunny outside? If it was sunny, please give the amount of sun represented as a percentage. (i.e. 50% representing partly sunny) With this information I'd say I could give you a reasonable time before the inner core of ice cream reached a particular velocity.

You'll probably notice I didn't ask what color the tile was in the grocery store, but I didn't want you to think I was getting crazy with details. I think if you can get me this information I can give you a reasonable amount of time your ice cream would last. Should any of the variables change however... you're shit outta luck.