I was at an all you can eat Chinese buffet and stoned and my friend and I decided to have an eating competition. We couldn't decide who had won and I was pretty sure I had bested him but he kept saying he had bested me. When I got my fortune cookie, it read, "You will be awarded some great honor." After that, I was sure I had won.
I actually have a wall at work where we put our favorite fortune cookies...
"Come back later, I'm sleeping (yes, fortune cookies need their sleep too)"
"A crab wonton a day keeps the doctor away" - we have two of those
"42.7 percent of all statics are made up on the spot"
and my personal favorite: "Never smell the inside of a hat"
I once got a fortune that said "you are the best in the entire world."
I'm pretty sure they only made one of those.
And you bet I add "in bed" at the end!
"A carrot a day, may keep cancer away"
I'm not sure what's more troubling... the dubious medical advice or the oddly placed comma.
i once got a fourtune cookie that read "HELP! i'm being held captive in a chinese bakery." no lie. it was off-putting.
Christina,
Those so-called "x-rated" fortunes are available almost everywhere in SF's Chinatown. The fortunes are pretty tame, usually PG, or PG 13. I've never seen one that would even get an R rating. Certainly, you could serve them at a dinner party.
They say things like, "Pretty girl make a man like a breeze on windy day-- stiff." Yes, they are incredibly lame. All of them. Every time. You'd be better off to make your own, if you want a really spicy fortune, and they'd taste a lot better, too.
I had always felt that fortune cookies would say something positive until I got a
fortune cookie that simply stated
"Nothings Perfect"
You know how some fortune cookies have lucky numbers or lottery numbers on the back? I recently got one, and on the back it said, "Your lucky SAT answers: a c c d a b".
My cousin proposed to his girlfriend via fortune cookie. He went to a lot of trouble to make his own fortune cookies from scratch, write up a marriage proposal, and stick it in. My cousin then proceeded to set up a nice, relaxing dinner for two at home with Chinese takeout. He had pretend that the fortune cookies came from the restaurant in order to trick his girlfriend into opening one. Except, when the time came, she didn't feel like eating the cookies and said, "No thanks, I'm full." And then he proceeded to get flustered, and spent some time convincing her to open it and eat one.
He eventually forced her to open her fortune cookie, but that was a very tense few minutes.
From an old Garry Shandling standup routine:
"I once got a fortune cookie that said 'I pee'd in your rice'.
And it was handwritten!"
No fortune found -- Abort, Retry, or Cancel.
Swear to God. At a normal Chinese restaurant, too (not gimmicky, gives out traditional fortunes hundreds of other times).
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