Well, I have no idea what happened in the chemistry of everything; perhaps this is something for Alton Brown to analyze, but I was planning on making mini pizzas for dinner tonight using some English muffins that I had and I now have to come up with something else, because I think that I created doorstops.

Here's the process: I bought a bag of English muffins about two years ago (yeah, see, I know where the issue started already, don't I?) and used maybe one or two and then decided to freeze the rest. Now, did I put them in a tupperware or ziploc bag? Nope. I chose instead to leave them in their original bag with the twist tie on. Now, I also remember at some point that I took them out again and defrosted them in the fridge, thinking that I would use them, but since I didn't within a couple of days, I (never wanting to let food go to waste - I am the one who eats and is sometimes sickened by expired food for fear of wasting it) chose to chuck them back into the freezer. (This may have happened once or twice more, actually, come to think of it). And last night I took them out for what I now know was the final time. Normally, bread products defrost into edible products within 24 hours. These English muffins, however, are now officially doorstops. Or coasters. Or shingles. Really, it's bad. :(

But now, if any of you ever need to create said inedible products, simply follow the above steps to success and in a short two years (or possibly less, I haven't tried the speed method yet, although I could for science's sake) you too will have your own doorstops! Or hockey pucks!