1. Keep potholders, towels, wooden utensils, food packaging, and curtains away from the stove. And remember that holiday tie you got from the kids? The one with Mickey Mouse dressed as Santa? Don't wear it if you plan on hanging over the stove.

2. Don't hold a child in your arms when you're working in the kitchen. Even if it's someone else's kid and he's ugly.

3. There's usually a good reason the smoke alarm goes off. The good folks at First Alert did not create these items just to annoy the heck out of you.

4. If you do have a grease fire in a pan, quickly slide a lid over it to completely cut off the oxygen supply, then turn off the heat. Avoid the urge to immediately lift up the lid "just to take a peek."

5. If the fire is in your oven, close the door and turn off the heat to smother the flames. Don't worry about the turkey in there. It's probably a goner.

6. If the fire is in your microwave oven, turn it off immediately and keep the door closed until the fire is completely out. Unplug the appliance if you can safely reach the outlet.

7. If the fire is in your belly, it's probably a good sign. You really do need to get off that lazy butt of yours and do something with your life.

8. Best bet? Buy a dry-chemical Class A, B and C fire extinguisher. And remember, this device is not a toy. Sticking the hose down the back of Uncle Roy's shorts and giving him "one good shot for old time's sake" might seem funny to you and almost everybody else in the room, but it will probably piss Uncle Roy off real bad.

9. Nuke your dirty sponges occasionally in the microwave for one minute to kill any bacteria that might be present. Special Note: Make sure the sponge is damp when you do this or it may catch on fire (see Tip # 6).

10. Avoid cross-contamination. Don't toss a salad with the fork you scrambled the eggs with. And don't use the same cutting board to cut raw veggies and raw meat. And please, don't wear the striped apron if insist on wearing the plaid shorts.