Bad Host: Invited to dinner and asked to PAY! Would you?
A neighbor invites you over their house for dinner, after you finished eating your pizza, the neighbor asks you to pay $13. What would you do/say?
My friend (extremely giving, sweetheart) was in this situation, didn't say a word, only had a $20 bill and gave it, but her neighbor (who's greedy, condescending, and has taken advantage for years) kept the rest.
If I were my friend this is what I would've said:
Neighbor: Your portion of the dinner is $13.
Friend: Didn't you invite me over for dinner?
Neighbor: Yes
Friend: Well then, thank you for the dinner, this was gracious of you.
Neighbor: Ok, but please give me $13.
Friend: Are you kidding me?
Neighbor: No
Friend: When invited to people's homes I don't pay for dinner because I'm the guest. If you had told me to bring cash to eat at your house, I would've never come and asking me now doesn't make me want to do this again. It's time I get going, have a good night.
I would not pay, nor pick up the phone on this neighbor again, and only remain acquaintances, a quick hi & bye, when seeing them on the street. I'm direct so people know what I like & disapprove of. Is this an etiquette faux pas on my part?
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21 Comments:
That neighbor was beyond rude and expectations should have been mentioned BEFORE dinner..However, if the neighbor feels your friend is a pushover, he probably knew he would get the $ from her...
I am a direct also..Your example of how you would have handled it was spot on. I would have handled the situation EXACTLY as you did which was assertive as you got your point across. He was rude, probably knew it on some level and deserved to be put in his place.
Italiancupcake at 3:41AM on 10/18/09
I would have given her the $20 and then later that evening have a pre-paid Domino's pizza delivered to her home.
redfish at 10:36AM on 10/18/09
That's a new one. I'm guessing the neighbor doesn't have many friends.
beth1 at 12:32PM on 10/18/09
I hope you got a couple drinks with that pizza, because $13 buys a lot of pizza. That would be my last dinner visit with this neighbor, and I would have gotten change from my $20.
dmcavanagh at 12:51PM on 10/18/09
I would have said that I thought I'd been invited over for dinner and hadn't come prepared to pay.
I would thank her for the dinner, not pay, excuse myself after wishing everyone a wonderful evening and leave.
I would refuse all future "invitations" from this person.
CJ McD at 3:25PM on 10/18/09
My reaction would definitely depend on context of the evening, the host, and the nature of the invitation, but, in general, I believe in being gracious and I don't like creating unneeded conflict or burning bridges.
If I was explicitly invited over for drinks and pizza or the like, I probably would have offered to cover a share of the cost in the first place. It's harder to do with home made food where the exact cost is a bit iffy, but with something as straight forward as delivery, I don't see much good reason not to.
If it was just a generic dinner invitation, I probably would have claimed that I hadn't come prepared to pay but invited them over for dinner in the near future as reciprocation instead. If these are people I know well enough to know I wouldn't want them over at my house, I doubt I would have accepted the invitation to theirs; and if they are new acquaintances, I would want at least one more experience before writing them off as jerks.
If your friend really has an history of being taken advantage of by this neighbor, she likely has her reasons for continuing to allow it. Honestly, I admire her for continuing to try and be a good friend and neighbor.
jwalz at 4:08PM on 10/18/09
Twenty years ago my brother-in law was married at a small inn in a rural area of our state. It was a spur of the moment invitation and quite costly for us- we had young children who suddenly needed "dressy" clothing, we had to pay for lodging for the weekend, etc. But we cheerfully packed, put $500 cash in with the card and drove 3 hours to the wedding. After the ceremony, we were seated in a small back room and waiters brought us menus. We were informed that dinner would be charged to each diner- the bride and groom had not even informed their parents that it was pay as you go. We ordered, my father-in-law who would have gladly paid for the entire party, told the waiter he would pay for the bride and groom's family dinners. We subtracted the cost of the weekend and gave the bride and groom $100. Oh, when we were married, many years before, my brother-in-law didn't give us a gift- he said he didn't believe in marriage!!
True story- married 31 and counting years to the best guy in the world from a loony and cheap family.
deefine at 5:32PM on 10/18/09
It depends. There are times when we had game night at our house without us really asking people over... it was a matter of best location. Since it had always been donations of 3-5$ or buy individually, we continued with donations. We didnt mind providing the place and drinks and some snacks, a meal was too much. Its not so much cheap as poor...
Oh, and in a situation where you ask for donations, you ask before buying so you know how much you have to chip in to make up the difference.
blizcheetah at 6:24PM on 10/18/09
I've been to friends' homes where we all chipped in for dinner but it was understood from the invite that we were all chipping in. It was never presented as "I'm providing dinner for everyone".
I think if she made it seem like she was offering you a meal then you shouldn't have to pay. I think you should have at least gotten change. $20 can buy a large pie and beverages with a decent tip around here. It sounds more like you provided her dinner.
gingercookiewithlime at 6:47PM on 10/18/09
We were invited to a low-country boil dinner where lobsters were being served. In advance the host arranged for everyone to pay for his/her own lobster, and if anyone wanted more than one, for instance, he or she could request and pay for more. Or if someone didn't want one, he or she notified the host not to order one. I can't remember exactly how this was worded, but it was not at all offensive. We were not able to attend the party, so I'm not sure how the "collection" was made, but we heard later it was a great party, and would probably become a yearly event. The host did provide the rest of the ingredients for the boil - shirmp, corn, sausage, etc., and didn't ask anyone to help with that cost,and I'll bet if someone hadn't paid, the host wouldn't have made a big deal of it - maybe just won't include them in the future? This approach is a LITTLE like BYOB - except that you're buying and bringing your own beverages, and in this case, you're paying, but they do all the cooking - a pretty good deal!
lilyb at 7:41PM on 10/18/09
Since when did an invitation to dinner become room and board?
I wouldn't burn bridges, but I would have definitely confronted the neighbour about his behaviour -- even saying something along the lines of, "Next time, I'd really appreciate if you'd let me know that we're splitting the cost of the meal." Snowballing a guest like that is just plain rude.
If it's the first invitation, I'd give the person the benefit of the doubt. If it's happened more than once, I wouldn't go back -- at that point, the neighbour is taking advantage of you. And heck yea, I'd get my change (or an IOU) before I left. I don't care how good the pizza was, $20 is a ripoff.
avaryne at 9:44AM on 10/19/09
I think the neighbor was rude in asking for your friend to pay for dinner, but you did also say that this neighbor has been taking advantage of her for years. Am I the only one who thinks her friend should have expected this kind of behavior from her neighbor. It shouldnt have come as too much of a surprise. Next time, just kindly say "I'm sorry, but I don't think I will be able to make it", instead of putting yourself in these situations and then being shocked about the rudeness coming from the rude person.
terabithia at 11:05AM on 10/19/09
I would've said "Sure! let me run home and grab the money I didn't bring any. I'll be back in a half hour."
End of relationship.
AyeEat at 1:12PM on 10/19/09
fully agree with you... you either fully invite someone or not invite anyone at all.
I once worked for a VERY WELL-KNOWN multi-national packaged goods company in which all beauty care marketing employees were "cordially invited" by our Department Director to a Xmas lunch on a workday. And the written invitation said our attendance was expected.
After we finished our lunch, someone at the top of the table let all of us know that the contribution from each for the lunch came out to $25. We were dumbfounded... and each had to fork out $25 to pay our way. Even the assistants, who earned well below what us managers earned.
From that day on, when someone invited you for lunch we would ask for clarification - are you inviting me??? or are you CORDIALLY INVITING me??
MadelynRodriguez at 4:20PM on 10/19/09
I would probably do what AyeEat did LOL
hungrychristel at 5:47PM on 10/19/09
Me too hahaha. Nice.
alosha7777 at 6:01PM on 10/19/09
I was once invited to someone's house for dinner. We get there with a nice bottle of wine in hand. They show off their new house, give us a couple hors d'oeuvres with the wine we brought, then say - where do guys want to go for dinner? I was flabbergasted. I have not accepted invites to their house since then and that was a couple years ago.
faycat at 5:01PM on 10/23/09
I should add that of course we were expected to split the bill on that dinner out...
faycat at 5:01PM on 10/23/09
we have "friends" that do this all the time, to the extreme! Down to figuring out what some couples should pay if their children eat...it sickens me. They are not really our friends, more like friends of friends, so its not something I feel comfortable bringing up. We try and avoid anything at their house anymore. Last New Years Eve they charged everybody $12 a head for a dinner that none of asked for or wanted! On a more recent camping trip they tried to charge all the couples for the fire wood they brought! We thought it was a joke (no way I'm paying for firewood that you cut down on your dads property!). They earn nearly double what the rest of the couples in our circle does btw...
*lord i hope they don't read this*
mhurst826 at 10:19PM on 10/23/09
It's been my experience that these kinds of people invariably are the most wealthy ones in the circle. Like when I was a waitress, the worst tippers (and most difficult customers) were often the richest clients.
KidPresentable at 12:05AM on 10/24/09
I used to date a guy who would complain about the food so he didn't have to pay for his dinner when we went out to eat. I, of course, had to pay for mine and my son's. After awhile, I got smart and stopped dating this guy.
There are cheapskates and there are people who just love to see if they can get away with having someone else pay for them. I am the type that doesn't get burnt as much as I once did. I will pay once. After that, I doubt I will be your 'friend'.
queenbleu at 10:15AM on 10/26/09