Serious Eats - seriouseats.com

Interesting list. I've taken the liberty of cutting and pasting for discussion's sake. Eds--if that's bad form, please remove.

1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting.

2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.

3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived.

4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right.

5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated.

6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral.

7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.

8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment.

9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.

10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials.

11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, “We only have two lobsters left.” Even if there are only two lobsters left.

12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass.

13. Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handles.

14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.

15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.”

16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves.

17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.

18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?”

19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread.

20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another.

21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong.

22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two.

23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.

24. Never use the same glass for a second drink.

25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.

26. Never assume people want their white wine in an ice bucket. Inquire.

27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour.

28. Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork.

29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better.

30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.

31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.

32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.

33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.

34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers.

35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests.

36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage.

37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice.

38.Do not call a guy a “dude.”

39. Do not call a woman “lady.”

40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad.

41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.

42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else.

43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant.

44. Do not discuss your own eating habits, be you vegan or lactose intolerant or diabetic.

45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests.

46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.

47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests.

48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order.

49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.

50. Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout.

LOL @happyeats--I was thinking the same, and also thinking that this list assumes that the waitron has a lot more power/ability to make decisions/substitutions or change what are often mandated points of service than is usually given to them by management.

Also, I like it when a server tells me what their favorite item is. These are people who know the menu and should know what looks good that day.

Yes, to #3: "Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived". I hate that, and the table would probably end up ordering more drinks or apps if they are waiting, so what's it to them if they have to wait to order the entrees?

I think that #10 and 43 are stating not to offer suggestions unless asked. I don't think that it means that it's not acceptable for the waiter to tell the customer his or her favorites when asked. One of those, "If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it" kind of things, and I agree.
Along those lines, if I do ask for a recommendation, please don't say, "Oh, everything's good!" I can't believe how often that happens. I am asking because you are presumably familiar with the dishes, and you can't expect me to believe that you love everything on the menu equally well. You must have an idea--either from personal experience, or customer feedback--which dishes rise above.

@bessfour--the 'hi guys' thing is annoying. I had a brother who ran a franchise that aimed at families/sports fans--entrees in the 10-25 dollar range. He was going nuts listening to the 'hi guys' line over and over with his host/esses, but had a hard time coming up with something that was suitably welcoming and not over formal/didn't sound ridiculous coming from an 18 year old at what was essentially a pub grub place to patrons.

The sing-song-y "Welcome to XXXX restaurant, how can I help you" or some variation therein sounded equally false. It's an odd one, but it does bug me too.

#12 is the prize. We all take our risks when dining out, no?

These two are key to good service. So many wait staff act like it's YOUR fault if you aren't having a good experience. If you wanted to make your own good experience, you probably would have stayed home and MADE your own nice meal.

14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.

31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.

I think so many of these are common sense so they don't cross your mind while you are being served but....if someone handles the rim of your glass or makes you wait for your fourth then it becomes apparent.
As for the "guys" thing--I don't like it anywhere and I consider myself pretty easygoing..it's just too familiar and forced sounding. I would like everyone to act in a professional manner while doing their job... (except me, of course, because I work and live with teenages 24/7 sometimes there is some goofing around!!!) Guys!

I agree with Simon. It isn't that you are going over a mental checklist in your mind when you are out for dinner but when something happens (ie your plate is taken away from you when you are mid-bite and clearly not done but your mouth is too full to protest) you notice.

1. serve me my food
2. cease to exist for a while
3. present me with my bill

@hungrychristel--thanks, but i didn't do anything other than cut and paste directly out of the article. IT was Avaryne who brought it to our attention!

I agree 100% and don't think the person sounds uptight at all. All of these are good tips to make a person feel welcome (greeting them) without being too personal and intruding into their experience (like making judgments about what/how fast they eat). And yes, the little sanitary tips about not touching the glass are nice as well.

I was dining out at the nicest restaurant in our town, and when I ordered the steak tartare, the server said: "You know that's uncooked, right?" Not in a mean way, though. I don't know why I fixated on it, since most people probably wouldn't take umbrage with it, but I was insulted! I'm in my mid-twenties, so maybe she thought I wouldn't know, but I thought it was pretty condescending. Later I went back with my husband (okay, the food is great) and I got him to order it to see if they asked him, and they totally didn't! Probably not really some sort of misogynistic conspiracy...but...I'm just sayin'.

I like how the list includes a few items that the server has no power over. Like never refuse to sub a vedge for another one.

Watch as us chef's smile at the server who constantly comes up with their own dishes for customers (and we do have one at our restaurant) that has to go back to her table and tell the guests that we can not substitute the flageolet beans and shitake mushrooms on their dish because we have enough for service. And that's it.

It's not the mark of a good server to say "yes" to every thing the customer asks, but to ensure that the customer has a clear understanding of their options. if a substitution can not be made, then you'll have to explain the situation.

@iaspire - Years ago, in Chinatown, I ordered the wrong thing. The waiter kindly informed my boyfriend that I had just ordered Blood Soup, and felt I probably wouldn't like it. He was right, and I was spared. I don't think your server meant to insult you. He was likely reacting to a previous incident involving tartare, which did not turn out well (for him or his patron).

some of these are very farfetched.....#23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.

That is way beyond good service. While the server is steaming labels off, may I ask who will be waiting on the rest of her customers?

I'm not a server, nor have I ever been, but this list seems excessive to me. Steaming the labels off of bottles of wine? Never introducing yourself or giving any sense of person? I am also going to assume that not giving opinions means don't do it unasked, because if I ask your opinion, I want it.

Also, what insecure person feels insulted because their dining companion was complimented? Or that the other choices were poor because the server said "good choice" with their order?

And I imagine that sometimes a waiter can not be standing there waiting for you to finish a conversation so they can do their job. I mean, they can politely do it without rudely interrupting, but if you sit there and chat for too long, they are unable to do their job. There is a science to how restaurants function.

Obviously, some of these are great tips, but it seems the author was reaching to hit the magic number of 100 (I can't imagine what the next 50 will be like).

Seems to me like a lot of the list is the basic courtesy you'd expect and the rest are whiny.

Never say "good choice"?

Some of the best meals I've ever eaten when I ordered the waiter gave a knowing nod and smile and told me good choice and I was going to enjoy the meal. I cant think of an instance that was wrong.

Also if a bottle of wine touches the rim of my glass I would never have thought to notice that until now. Dust is everywhere! you probably breathe in more than would touch your glass in a day.

And my pet peeve's are:
Wait staff who reach over full plates of food to pick up a glass to fill. Too many times their arm goes right between my mouth and my fork. I don't like smelling their skanky sleeves or risking hair or something dropping off on to my plate. I prefer they ask me for my glass and I will gladly hand it to them.

Also, I do a lot of business meals with customers / prospects. So while I appreciate a server asking how everything is, many times it's an interruption to very intense business conversations. I know it's a timing thing and they're looking for feedback. Sometimes I wish they would look for signs or signals that it's okay to stop by.

Otherwise great list. Thx

Ribster - If you're having a serious business discussion try a board room. A restaurant is a public place where you are being served by strangers. Handing a glass to a server is in bad taste. It is also usually when accidents/spills happen. A good diner should always let the server place and remove items from the table not hand to hand i.e. do not reach for a plate being placed in front of you and do not hand your empty plate/glass to them, they may not be ready.

#3 has caused a lot of discussion. I've worked in a busy restaurant with 24 seats. A table for 4 is too valuable to let 3 people sit there for an hour while waiting for a fourth who is always "just around the corner." In that hour another party could have come, eaten, and left. Wait at the bar. Coordinate with your friends. Respect the restaurants time and space. You are a guest, you're not at home, you're not entitled to anything just because you walked in the door.

About the silverware. It's very common in NYC to reuse silver. Do you use five different forks when eating at home? If you're grossed out by your own fork you have serious issues. If you're grossed out by the table at the restaurant it's your fault for going to a dirty sub-par restaurant.

How would you know if drinks/ apps are going to be ordered? Should a restaurant have to deny a full party a table so an incomplete party can share an app?

7. No flirting and no cuteness? Sorry, that totally depends on the restaurants and the guests. Maybe not in Midtown East, but certainly it's OK with a fun young table in the EV.

11. Telling the guests there are only two lobsters left, if there are, is entirely appropriate. They may really be looking forward to lobster and order them immediately. If there were 0 lobsters, you'd tell the guests along with the specials so you look like an ass if the last 2 sell and the guests go to order it and you say "sorry, we just ran out!"

14. "How is everything?" is just as bad as "Good choice!" Everything is assumed to be great unless you are told otherwise. When the guests get their food, a proper response is "Is there anything I can get for you?" and the guest then has the opportunity to tell you they want more sauce, or their steak is the wrong temperature, or any other issue.

10 & 43. Certainly give your opinion of which dishes are your favorite or are "great" IF asked. It is not irrelevant. Some dishes are better than others. The servers have tasted all of them. The guests may have different tastes and preferences than the server, but the server knows which dishes 10 other guests raved about that night. The guest will appreciate a good suggestion a lot more than being stuck with a mediocre dish.

A lot of the listed rules are spot-on. But nothing is set in stone. Again, the restaurant and the guests determine everything. I haven't been a server for 5 years now, but in the 7 years I was, I was consistently one of the best of each staff I worked on. The best skill a server can learn is interpreting the guest's needs. You don't want to make assumptions or prejudge anyone. But if if you know your menu and can read your guests, you can improve their experience 9 out of 10 times. Some guests don't want to be bothered and just want you to take their orders. Others want your guidance and are looking for you to enhance their experience. I call those" good customers".

the list is...interesting, but I also gotta call BS...most of these rules are just personal preference...for instance, I WANT a waiter to give me a name; i EXPECT the waiter to guide me when I order...i expect a casual, easy-going tone...I want to know that the waiters are human beings that care about the food, the job, and importantly, me. they're not just robots.

Most of this is entirely too pedantic for my tastes. I don't really care if the waiter asks me "How is everything?" or "Is there anything I can get for you"...just be polite and serve me my food in a timely manner.

Therealchiffonade. You're assuming a reservation was made, assuming the 4th is coming shortly, assuming the first 3 will order apps and drinks, assuming the 4th will even order. We all know what happens when we assume.

Did anyone else hear the author of this article on NPR today? He said that he's never been a "professional waiter" but he waited tables in college, which to me sounded like he was trying to grant himself some kind of exemption from his own rules.

@lemonfair - what a great idea! What would you put on this list?