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My church always has a reception after a funeral, with finger foods. Leftovers go home with the family.

I make either tea sandwiches of date nut bread with cream cheese, or bread with cream cheese/apricots. Or spanikopita. 13x9 pan in 24 squares.

I'm sorry about your aunt's impending demise - it's wonderful of you to prepare the menu. The truth is, funeral food is very important. This is going to sound crazy but I consider myself honored to have been told on more than one occasion that my food was the first thing a bereaved person was enticed to eat after the loved one's death occurred.

A baked dish like ziti and chicken cutlet parmagiana fills two needs - it's tasty and it SMELLS good. I really believe the olfactory aspect of funeral food has all to do with the return of the bereaved person's appetite. Comfort food is certainly the order of the day. I think a well-made meat loaf would go over much better than something shee shee.

If your family has favorite food that you know will be well-received (from past family gatherings) - that's what you should consider preparing. A great roast turkey or other rib-sticking holiday food would fit well here.

Condolences to you and yours.

There is a great book about Southern Food that has a whole chapter on funeral food called Consuming Passions by Michael Lee West.

I'm a great believer, for when I bring food to the home after a death, in avoiding things that need refrigeration. I also like things that are not pre-portioned, so small servings for kids are easy. It's old-fashioned, but pound cakes work well, no gooey frostings to wipe off, for instance. Homemade bread is excellent; someone will always bring a ham or cold cuts for sandwiches.

I grew up in a small town and automatically think, "What can I bring?" but living in a big city, people are surprised sometimes when I show up at the door. This is the Midwest, but sometimes I wonder if it's urban v. rural in this difference.

Perhaps you could also honor her memory by preparing a dish or recipe that she was known for? My mother-in-law was a fantastic Polish cook -- she was especially known for her fantastic pierogies -- when she passed, we had a traditional Polish meal, served family style just like her home parties. My son's Godmother had Southern roots, and when she passed on, her family served all her favorite foods -- fried chicken, sweet potato pie, etc. It was a wonderful way to celebrate her sweet spirit. I'm sorry about your aunt, and I'm sure anything you prepare will be wonderful and thoughtful.

My best friend's Italian mom always makes Eggplant. Eggplant parm. It's delicious in the same ways as the chicken parm mentioned above, and veg. friendly.
It has since brought on some kind of Pavlovian response-- walk into that house and Lorraine's making eggplant, and everyone asks who died.

Lasagne is a great idea, pasta is always comforting. A large pot of bean and pasta soup, crusty bread, sliced meats and cheeses.

What I remember most about the food after my grandmother's funeral was the cheesy baked onion dip. My cousin and I sat around that damn dip with a bag of potato chips and ate almost the whole thing. It was definitely the heavy, indulgent, comfort food that I think we were both looking for.

Catboy - I am so sorry to hear about this sad situation, it can't be easy no matter how much you've prepared yourself for it. My condolences.
For funerals we always seem to have curry chicken salad sandwiches, lasagne, homemade cookies, and recently, this Giada DeLaurentis recipe of baked tortellini with smoked mozzarella, mascarpone and tomato sauce. Simple and delicious. People's taste buds are numbed when they are grieving, so you want to serve something familiar, that will bring the person back to the world around them and help them get their mind off death for a little while. Fat and carbs are important, but so is unfussy food that stores well so it can be nibbled on day after day. I think a bundt cake with a simple chocolate glaze is nice, as are cheeses that can be eaten for several days and taken out for larger gatherings or just as a simple dinner.

Here in the South it is common to have potato salad. In fact, Damon Fowler had a Funeral Salad recipe in one of his books. It keeps well and goes quickly.
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Even though I have been to several relative's funerals, I have never seen anyone plan a menu for it. Usually there is a dinner before the funeral at the church and the church members bring their favorite recipes. There always seems to be chicken in forms like fried, baked, a la King, and even chicken salad.

I think that it is a very lovely gesture that you are asking for ideas in planning your aunt's luncheon.

Agreed- comfort food is is the order of the day for funerals. After all the emotional output, you don't realize how hungry you are until the funeral's over and you smell the food.

I like to splurge and roast a large beef filet (yeah, it's $$$, but so worth it) - then let it sit overnight and slice into thin rounds for cold sandwiches. I lay out horseradish and mayo, really good soft rolls and stand back.

The other hit is a large crockpot of good Italian meatballs and sauce. (Even my Polish family considers this a must-have.)

For dessert, try a Texas Sheet Cake (google recipe - they're everywhere).

One other nice consideration is to have food that can go home with the relatives closest to the deceased for a light supper later, or to feed the inevitable family members who stop by the house to say their goodbyes after the funeral's over. Breakfast food too, for the next morning - coffee cakes, Danish, bagels, cream cheese speads, good coffee.

And lastly - don't forget the drinks, if appropriate for family members.

One more thing. You may get your menu all set and think you're covered, but if anyone offers to bring anything, always say "yes". People really do like to feel they've done something for you, and this may be the only expression of their condolences they're comfortable with. Extras can always be packed up and sent home with somebody, and it's a lovely thing to see all these food gifts laid out so beautifully. Just stay open and receive their offerings with grace.

The last funeral I went to was for a professor of mine from grad school. She was an "interesting" woman who spent her last year hiking through Jordan with her daughter (with cancer! I don't know how she did it).

The family decided that the food at the funeral should represent her so they had all of her favorites. There were sushi rolls, Italian pastries, favorite baked goods from various family members, random olives and cheeses. It was the weirdest spread I've ever seen, but it fit so perfectly.

I am truly enjoying (if I can use that word) reading all these contributions, I have to admit I have a fascination with how various families grieve, eat, commemorate, and celebrate life and death, which is why I started the thread to begin with.

This is the oldest member of my family, the one most tied to our past, so in that way it will be sad, but it's not tragic. 15 years ago when her daughter died it was tragic, and it was one of the most difficult funerals I have ever had to go through. My aunt sees this as her chance to join her daughter so we have to be happy for her.

King Ranch Chicken! How bizzare. I haven't thought of that in years, and oddly enough my aunt used to make it. I'll add it to my list. The Texas sheet cake sounds good too, I remember restaurants selling that "by the inch."

To everyone else who has made suggestions, thanks, and the fact that many of you have never heard of anyone planning a funeral menu is not odd; most people do not. I just tend to look at a funeral as being like a social occasion since it brings together people I only see every five years or so. In fact, I have often said a funeral IS a wedding, only with better food, better liquor and no damn hokie pokie or chicken dance.

kathyvegas beat me to the punch (non-alcoholic, of course) re: funeral potatoes. I have lived in Utah my whole life, am not a Mormon, but funeral potatoes are an institution that cut across all cultural lines. A great small grocery store in Salt Lake, Emigration Market, sells them in tins, although the price would make the pioneers shudder. And to prove that stereotypes can sometimes be true, I believe that jello, usually with shredded carrots and whipped cream, are a staple.
Celebrate your aunt's life. She obviously has a wonderful nephew.

As someone who just recently lost her mother, I would like to suggest that you do not include cold cuts or sandwich meat or lasagne. These were the most popular foods brought to us after the funeral, and we unfortunately were not in any state to bring the extras to a homeless shelter, as someone above suggested. Eventually, we had rotting roast beef in the fridge and believe me, that was unpleasant. And @lemons, you are completely right--refrigerator space is prime real estate in the days after a funeral, so non-refrigerated foods would be welcome. I also agree with @moibec, if someone offers to bring food or something else, say "yes," as it might help you to feel a little more taken care of, and it helps the other person's healing process as well.

I like the idea of something comforting yet not too festive, your menu choices sound good.
Of course ethnicity plays a role in planning a funeral menu. Being of Dutch background, I found that funerals always involved the family and friends gathering in the basement of the church afterwards and sharing memories over buns with butter, gouda, and ham. It was a staple of the Dutch funeral, don't know why. Soup is big too, usually some sort of meatball veg or chicken noodle, from scratch. I've talked to lots of other Dutch Canadians from all over the country, and the experience tends to be universal, and seems like a collective experience that ties us together.

this is such a morbose topic... I can't understand why in the States when a family member passes away, they think about food and gatherings. and even less when the person has not yet passed. That's sooooooooooooo weird to me...

@Madelyn, I'm right there with you. I have been in similar situations, (a loved one coming to the end of a terminal illness), and food was not even a blip on my radar. I can't imagine spending the last few days worrying about food. I know everyone handles these things differently, but this thread seems obscene to me.

@CatBoy I don't believe Madelyn was saying it was weird to be helpful before someone has died. I believe the point was that it's weird to be concerned with the food at a funeral - especially to the point of spending several days planning a menu and soliciting feedback - when a person is still living. That's what's morbose.

"Morbose?" is that a combination of morbid and morose?

I'm surprised that anyone finds this thread "sooooooo weird" or "obscene."

Often with grief comes the need to nurture or be nurtured. When there is a death, one has little control or ability to make anyone feel better. Try to look at the situation in which food is an expression of love.

And try to respect the grieving processes of others.

Sorry, obviously I was not aware that morbose is a word. I was not familiar with it. In case it's a new word to anyone else, here's a def:

Morbose= Proceeding from disease; morbid; unhealthy.

@Professor Chaos, I read that again and see that I misunderstood what Madelyn was saying. I thought she was wondering why we only bother to be helpful once someone is dead, and her point was why should anyone care about food at all when someone is dead. And I see that you agree.

Right now, my aunt has three children and their spouses, her husband, eight grandchildren, my parents, and a dozen or so friends spending time with her, comforting her. She is taken care of, my job is to take care of everyone else, and that is precisely as she wants it.

This has been a wonderful and thoughtful thread to read. Thank you, Catboy, for giving us this opportunity to reflect with you on what you might make for your's aunt's funeral/celebration of her life. Do let us know when she dies. As rooney said, she has a wonderful nephew.

The best "wake" I ever went to was for someone who knew he had about a week to live from leukemia he had decided not to continue fighting. About 100 or more of us got together for food and good remembrances with him. It was such a gift to all of us that he felt so comfortable about dying and wanted to share the end of his journey with us in this way.

During times of grief or loss, I always appreciate the family members who can think clearly, pay attention to practical details, and keep things rolling on time. And hospitality is a hugely practical concern, and is in no way morbid or inappropriate to plan ahead for it.

The families with relatives who will take on this role are truly blessed.

My condolences on your impending loss.

On the Lebanese side of my family someone always bring lamb and green bean stew and a pot of rice. It's great at room temperature and such a comfort. At my grandfather's funeral someone bought it and all of us felt it was like the first real meal we'd had in days after all the cold cuts, cookies, etc.

@JT Must be a Jersey thing....after all, the state is home to fab diners, great restaurants, and towns with taverns on every corner, VFW & firehouse halls, etc....a place for everyone's needs.

Right after meeting with the funeral director, clergy, & florist, we go out to make reservations for the meal. Pretty hassle free, but it keeps you busy over the intervening days, while you are running in RoboMode, if you know.

It's pleasant that we are able to share our traditions and experiences with such good grace.

@whoot, yeah, same here (staten island). Like I said, people would send deli stuff and we'd have that at the house between viewings during the wake. But after the funeral, we always went out to a restaurant (italian, of course).

I think it's regional. I live in Maryland now, and people cook for funerals.

In Bangladesh (predominantly muslim population), the deceased has to be buried on the same day and the family utilizes the time praying for the deceased, because the resultant suab/blessing of the prayers is the sole thing the deceased will take along to the next world.

It is customary for the bereaved family not cook for a week: the duty is undertaken by relatives and neighbors. The communal meal servings are usu. for 15-25 people at least (due to continuous visitors), delivery divided by breakfast/lunch/teatime/dinner amongst the volunteers.My mother is very strict about the quantity, as ample freezer space is a luxury many of us cannot offer.

She usually cooks lunches of a maximum of 3 multiple serving, crowd-pleasers like niramish (mixed vegetables with pulses/chickepeas); a chicken curry/korma or a beef curry with potatoes; plain polao or khichdi (a turmeric-laced congee like mix of rice-lentil). Dessert is sweets bought from the local sweet shops or rice pudding. For dinners, my mother restores to huge take-aways of naans, tikka, chicken curry, beef kebabs from the local kebab shop, where everything is made to order and fresh.

She, like others, takes on not only the cooking duty but also to read chapters from the Quran to expedite the family's completion of the holy book. This hospitality is the offering of comfort that she can provide cause one cannot actually feel the real extent of the family's loss.

After my father died (unexpectedly), we had so much food that we had to take some over to the neighbor's fridge. A few friends got together and made a "necessity basket". They lent a few coolers- to keep drinks and extra food, coffee/filters/cream/sugar/tea bags, paper plates/napkins/plastic silverware- so we didn't have to worry about doing dishes and toilet paper (incredibly unexpected- but nicer than you think- lots of guests and who wants to run to the store for tp at that point). Since then, I usually fill a cooler with paper goods and coloring books/colors if there might be kids.

The tradition in my extended family was that the immediate family of the deceased would foot the bill to take anyone to lunch after the funeral who wanted to go. There was one restaurant that pretty much catered to this sort of crowd, where an undetermined large group could be seated and fed lunch. The tradtion wasn't so bad if the immediate family was large enough to split the costs and had funds to cover the expense. It sucked big time when my mother passed and I was the only immediate family who was footing the bill, after footing the bill for everything else that had to be paid for.

What sucked worse was that the traditional restaurant was closed for some inexplicable reason that week and I had to find another restaurant that had a room or section they'd rent out for an unknown number of people at an approximate time for a reasonable price. Worse yet, it was just before halloween, so every place was decorated with ghosts, witches, and tombstones.

This tradition must have gone beyond my family, though, because that traditional restaurant was always busy with funeral lunches, and no one I knew -- not friends, family or neighbors -- brought even a crumb to my house, and I really didn't expect it. But I sure would have appreciated it. I was so broke after that, it took me years to climb out of that hole.

@italiagirl84 - I'm a Marylander born and bred; my family usually does the deli platter thing. The immediate family goes out to a restaurant (always the same one that's near the funeral home which we always use) between viewings, then after the funeral we go back to someone's house and have cold cuts and deli salads. Except when there's just a memorial service rather than the viewings/funeral, in which case we just skip to the deli platters afterwards.

Oddly, though I'm familiar with the custom of bringing food to a bereaved family, I've never seen that happen among my family/friends.

My condolences CatBoy. Funeral food is anything that is served straight from the heart. Having said that, most people I've known tend to serve comfort foods like mac n' cheese, freshly fried chicken, potato or pasta salad. Definitely something that can feed the soul in this time of need.

jlewfoodie, that was a beautiful way to put it..funeral food is anything that is served straight from the heart. Lovely and true. When my dad died in 2006 I didn't have to lift a finger for anything. After making sure there were round foods-symbolizing the circular nature of life and the first foods a mourner is usually given after the funeral-my friends, true to Jewish tradition, not only brought meal-type food (not just sweets) but also cleaned up after everyone and stayed for the evening prayers as well. This went on for 6 days. I was able to cry at will,( which was most of the time), or talk, or not. They took care of me in the best sense of the word.

I always bring food, usually not sweets because so many other people bring cakes etc when I go to a condolence or shiva call. In Jewish practice the food is really not given to feed all comers. It is given so that the family won't have to do anything about feeding themselves. I never expect to eat at a condolence call. However, I know that other people do and that families sometimes tell their visitors to have something to eat. To each their own.

My great-grandfather died when I was 13. It was the first family death I had experienced. After the funeral we had a gathering at a family apartment. I was appalled by what I thought of as a party atmosphere. What I couldn't understand then and only understood later as an adult was that people often need to talk about their loved ones and hear stories about them. At my dad's post-funeral gathering I couldn't get enough. I even told some and was able to laugh with everyone. My dad would have loved it. I know that some people don't want to hear a sound, some people definitely WANT the distraction of NOT talking about the deceased, and still others want something else. It is important to feel this kind of thing out and respect others' wishes. No one says you have to agree with them!

My advanced directive gives instructions for my post-funeral gathering; as I love to cook for friends and family, I want anyone who shows up to be fed (by a caterer, although anyone who feels like it is welcome to contribute) the way I'd want them to be fed; that is detailed and will be pre-paid. I also want my daughter to be cared for the way I was, but I know I don't have to have that in writing. I see nothing weird or morbid about this. It is like any form of pre-planning for one's own last days and funeral. It is a kindness to your family, especially if you know that things will have to happen in rapid sequence (as someone else said, Jewish law says 24 hours, 48 max if possible, and Muslim is similar). Catboy, you are a special person and your aunt was lucky to be able to do some of the planning with you. I am so impressed with you and yes, this is an outstanding thread. All the food suggestions are just right!!