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OMG I would be heading somewhere for dinner but not to this persons house. I understand some people do thanksgiving in a big way, but I couldnt handle the stress of being her "guest" .

"Boo-KAAAY Residence, Lady of the House speaking...."

There is one interesting note--"no knife needed" regarding the instructions on the pie.

Or perhaps the hostess thinks it a good idea to disarm her guests given they feel like stabbing her in the heart upon receiving such a letter, much less bearing her company.

@heartofglass: no knife needed, b/c she asked someone else earlier on the list to bring it.

granted it's crazy organized, but i can empathize with her.
people have a remarkable way of ignoring or forgetting important details-even if you go to great lengths (like this) to spell it out crystal clear. it can be really frustrating, particularly if you're hosting. maybe her family is really that dumb?

Marney:

Read your instructions and insults. Staying home this year. Make your own damn pies. Happy Thanksgiving.

Cousin Amy Misto.

Oh wow, and hey Marney, judgmental much? "Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level."

Laying out this information in casual phone calls in a tactful way is one thing, but if I got a letter like this from ANYONE, I would call them immediately and tell them to go f*ck themselves.

The only way that I would go to this freak show Thanksgiving if Marney assigned me a cream pie, and I think ya all would know where that would go when I arrived.

People just forget that the point of holiday parties is to hang out and enjoy each other. She's stepping all over her family to make it perfect for whom? Is Emily Post going to show up midway through and congratulate Marney for using all of the correct utensils? Even Emily Post said, “Nothing is less important than which fork you use." I'm sure she'd be horrified at the tension at the table. I'd be she could cut that with a pie server... not a knife

she's an idiot

I want to be invited to that party, and I will volunteer to bring all the serving spoons assigned to everyone else. I'll bet I could find enough weirdly-colored spoons with garish decorations, blinking lights and maybe even some musical ones that play inappropriate tunes when you pick them up. It would make the blue casserole look dignified in comparison. And technically, she didn't forbid blinking musical serving spoons.

And why on earth are all the casserole people required to bring spoons, but the pie and pie knife/server are assigned to different people?

I am not OCD!!!! Now I have proof!

All the other issues aside, I think I'd be inclined to skip this gig because the hostess has such poor menu building skills. Her pies and random ice cream pairing is just one example. What's up with turnip and asparagus casseroles on the same plate too?
My second response would be to write another letter inviting everyone else to my place for a relaxed day together with my turkey, dressing, spuds, gravy and "whatever else shows up"...

Someone must like the turnips or maybe it's some kind of tradition.

@Cass, I think the intent is fine, but the tone is a little high-and-mighty. But then again, some people don't realize how they sound when they write, and this could be a perfectly lovely person and everyone receiving the email understands that the writing style is just a weird quirk.

But for some reason, this letter, the 88 cans of sardines and the jello mold reference in the "100 items to cook" thread are merging in my mind. It's not a pretty picture.

As far as the newly-married not getting the idea that she has escaped the kids' table, it reminds me of a mom I knew who would always tell her adult children (and respective SOs) that she'd cover them on gifts or potlucks. Seven of 'em showed up at a wedding once, and the gift was $20 in a card because that's what she always gave, probably dating back to when $20 was a decent gift when she was a bride. Eventually, someone told the "kids" that mom wasn't really covering them adequately and they ought to bring their own contributions. Of course, mom didn't like that, because she wanted to be the queen bee and control her kids, even in this small way.

So in this case, the comment to the new bride might have been as much about getting out from under momma's thumb as anything else.

Dear Marney,

For Thanksgiving this year, I'm going to need you to go ahead and kiss my whole entire ass! Not just the right cheek, or just the left cheek, but the entire ass. When you do this, please do not wear any lipstick as I have allergies to certain brands. Now when you do kiss my ass I don't want you to purse your lips too tight, nor should you feel the need to let your tongue out. Simple straight forward regulation puckering will suffice.

Looking forward to the 28th!!!!

Pav

1. I don't lie to get out of holidays, I simply let the person know I choose not to attend. Holidays are few and far between - and too precious to waste on people who make one miserable.

2. I would respond to her "letter" by asking this woman if she knew she was nucking futs, or if I was the first to voice this observation. I would explicitly and clearly explain why her "invitation" is the height of poor taste and that if she wants anyone to take her seriously in the future, she better get a clue. I would also offer to demonstrate the proper way to organize a family holiday pot luck.

The sad truth is that I actually know someone like this. She is not a foodie so her intolerable need to control every facet of every situation is mercifully never applied to food. That would put an end to the friendship in a nanosecond.