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I have a problem with this too. If someone is going to go all out to host a big party for someone then the cost is their responsibility along with the planning. Asking for donations is tacky. They could have very easily done a potluck party but instead the host is taking over the arrangements and the food, etc. and the guests are asked to contribute their hard earned money for something they have no say or approval over! I do understand needing money to fund the party but if you can't afford it on your own then you have two choices:

1. Do not host the party.
2. Make it a potluck theme.

End of story.

Yeah, especially since you had no say in planning the event, asking for money is completely tacky. Then again, how much would you spend on bringing food and a good bottle(s) of alcohol to a party? If it really bothers you, I'd stay decline the invite and have your friend over for dinner or take them out for a drink to celebrate instead.

A friend once had a sit-down, three-course birthday celebration at a swanky restaurant for his girlfriend, also a friend. Some people offered money, which he accepted, but he didn't ask for it. I found that fine, since people would have spent at least $20-30 dollars to bring food or alcohol to a smaller gathering anyway.

Wow. I cannot even imagine that! That is completely and utterly tacky, if you ask me. Now, I have had birthday celebrations that I have organized for myself, where I tell everyone in advance that I will be going to a certain restaurant (and usually make it 1. somewhere that everyone would find something to eat, 2. somewhere that is easily found - usually with free parking and 3. cheap!), and then I let them know that I would pay for drinks for the first round, but anything else is to each their own. I never expect anyone to pay for me, either. Now that I think about as I type this, though, I am feeling really tacky, too....okay, SEer's is what I have done tacky, too? Geez, now I feel really horrible.. :(

Requiring guests to pay for the privelage of attending your party is a horrible example of ettiquette. If they don't have the money to cover such a lavish party then they should not attempt one. I would spend the "required donation" on a nice gift for your friend instead. This is the tackiest thing I've heard in a long time.

Half the parties at work request a minimum contribution to attend -- pay to eat catered food plus bring your own food. Of course, the same people always sneak in, eat, and not contribute...

On a totally different note, but similar -- I've gone to several work parties that are formal functions that our department throws, where I am to pay $x to attend. All attendees receive their cash/check back at the party. The reason I was given as to why this was done, was so they had a firm commitment for catering, since there were typically 400+ people attending these.

In Hawaii, the host either pays for all of the food or it's a potluck. I figured it was a mainland thing...

Screw that!!!!! Take your friend out for drinks or assemble a small group who'd like to treat the birthday Guy or Girl. To invite people to a party and charge for it (unless the money is going to charity) is the HEIGHT of tackiness.

Send your friend a "no" RSVP with a raincheck - drinks and/or dinner for just the two of you at your place or a place you both really enjoy. Just because your friend's "friends and family" feel the need to be tacky doesn't mean you can't celebrate her birthday (and your friendship!). Even if that party weren't tacky with the 'donation' ... you probably wouldn't get to spend much quality time with your friend if it is a big bash being run by others anyway.

Random thoughts here....How did the hosts come up with the amount of $40? It's at an outside venue, like a restaurant or bar? Does that cover your booze costs, or are you expected to buy drinks separate? What kind of food? Appies only, a sit down, desserts only?

It sounds like the venue has quoted them a $20 per person charge. Why can't the host work within that budget by inviting fewer people, cutting back on the food selection or drinks....If I am hosting, I accept and plan that the brunt of the cost will fall on me.

Perhaps a better way to ask would have been in smallish print on the invitation "Donations of any amount are greatly appreciated to help so-and-so's birthday party be fabulous."

So, I don't think the idea itself is rude, I think it could have been much more tactful in the request.

Curious what the birthday person will think....

I agree, it's not something I'd be inclined to do.

However, this topic peaked my interest because I'm hosting a large-ish 40th birthday party for a girlfriend next month, and have been wondering about etiquette etc.

I am assuming all costs - invitations, food, alcohol, flowers, etc. - as the party will be in my home. There will be about 30 guests - none of whom my husband or I know - and I will be doing all the cooking.

The guest of honor has offered to help/contribute but I am not sure what to ask for - fearing (as evidenced above) accusations of being a bad friend / hostess.

Any advice appreciated!

I would make sure that I had other plans the evening of that party, send that person a nice card and flowers.

I agree with all the comments that it is a little tacky.

But a little shocked at all the outrage and the advice to skip the party. I mean, can't you just suck it up and go and support your friend? Especially if they don't know about the $40 "donation". Yes, the people planning it could have done it better, but I wouldn't not attend a good friend's party over it. Some things just aren't that important...

I don't really see what the problem is. the $40 per couple isn't all that much money considering it will presumably be at a real venue with real food, a bar, and possibly entertainment too. I think you are all a bunch of cheap bastards.

The hosts should have handled this differently, by contacting all potential guests to say "We'd like to have a party for X, and we're thinking of this venue, and that caterer - would you be willing to contribute $40 to help us make it happen?" Then, if enough people said "yes" (which, quite honestly, they probably would, as $20 per person isn't much for drinks and snacks out), they'd have the party.

I'd rather my friend get to have an awesome party than not because no single person could alone afford $1000 or whatever to be the host. The hosts (who are really simply organizers in this case) ought to have handled it differently, but that's a faux pas on their part - nothing your friend ought to be punished for by you not coming to the party, unless you can't afford it, in which case refusing the invitation is perfectly fine.

Over thirty years ago I hosted a baby shower for a friend and in my invitation I made some suggestions for my friend for gifts. I was footing the bill for the food, decorations, drink, etc., but the backlash about my suggestions was like starting a war. I was 22 and very naive and now know that people don't like 'suggestions'.

I am old school and when I was invited to a bridal shower (by the bridesmaids) at a restaurant was told my cost and that of my contribution to the brides' meal and decorations. I always thought that as the honor to being a bridesmaid it was up to them to pay for the shower. At least it was split by several people. I wouldn't have minded the split for the bride, but for the rest of it...I don't know.

I am older and in a rural area of the country and I don't know what cosmopolitan people do, but I think it is a bit hard to accuse people of being 'cheap bastards'. If you are offended in any way, I like the idea of declining and taking the $40 for a special gift for the person or maybe using that $40 for a nice lunch with that friend. You probably would both love to catch up!

I am not inclined to be offended. As far as "tacky" goes, I reserve that word for my grandmothers taste in jewelry. I would of course like to know what my $40 smackers are going to get me and I would definitely ask the "host" (I use the term host for lack of a better word as it doesn't seem as though they are hosting anything) in the form of an email so you won't be surprised by any hidden costs at the party.

BTW,

I am having a party in Honor of ME that I would love everyone here to attend. It's a rather informal event that I'd like everyone to "donate" say.... $500 bucks each for the privilege of attending... bank checks as well as cash are always greatfully accepted. In return for your generous donation, I will be sure to let you know when/where the event will take place.

P.S. As for food at the blessed event, all I can say is I hope y'all like PB&J sandwiches and Kool-Aid!

Sincerely,
PAV

Thanks to all for your comments so far! Most helpful. Clearly a touchy subject, and your collective thoughts run the gamut of emotions I've had over this issue. I agree that $40 isn't that much money, especially considering that we live in a large city, so it would be the cost of a meal and drinks for the two of us at a very cheap restaurant. I usually treat this friend to a meal and/or drinks plus gift for birthday, anyway, to the extent that I can afford it at the time.

I think the $40 itself is less the issue for me than the way in which the "hosts" (including spouse) chose to approach guests in helping to cover the expense, but not with the option to participate in the planning/hosting. @ producestories, I'm sure my friend would have been so thrilled to know that all friends involved wanted to help throw a party, had it been handled that way. Since I believe my friend is unaware of the "donation" component to this, there are a number of reasons why I wouldn't want to punish the honoree and just not go to punish the "hosts" for committing what I do think is a big faux pas on their part. I may send the "prepay" as a cashiers check or money order, though!

I think this is a lot better than being blindsided into paying $75 for a wedge salad and a glass of water like I was for a coworker's birthday party whom I didn't know.

We all met at Tony Roma's, the restaurant closest to our lab. The bill total was divided by the # of attendees minus the birthday person.

I really hate that people have forgotten (or never learned) basic etiquette. If you sign up to host a party, you do that, host a party. Meaning you are signing up to foot the bill. If it's too expensive, trim the guest list or pick a less expensive option. Charging an admission fee for a party you chose to host is rude and shameless. Does nobody ready Miss Manners anymore?!!

I'm surprised that $40 isn't a lot of money to a lot of the previous posters... That's half a week's groceries for me. I wouldn't just throw $40 away on one night unless it was something I really wanted to do.

weird and cheap. You'll have a crappy time because your experience has already been marred by the request. Skip the party and take your friend out instead.

SHEESH PEOPLE! Offended, really?! are y'all really that delicate in your feelings?

The way I see it there are two options......

1) Go

2) Don't Go

I get the people saying it's weird.... it is...

But for those of you whom would, "Be Offended"... Deep breaths people... in with the good air, and out with the bad air!

Oddly worded maybe, but not tacky. I'd see it as similar to being invited to join a friend for a party at a restaurant, and being told that meals cost between $15-25 and maybe given a menu to look at beforehand. Okay, so here you don't know exactly what your money's covering, but you can always ask. Just because someone takes it upon themselves to organise a party doesn't mean they should pay for the whole thing.

I'd probably think it was a bit weird if it were a wedding - but then again, my mother went to a wedding where the invitation specified that since the couple had lived together for a long time and had their house set up already they would just appreciate people donating x amount of money (bank account details provided) to cover the meal, and my mother thought it was an excellent idea, much more civil and reasonable than registering for expensive presents.

Each to their own...

My vote: weird and tacky.

Even college-age folks shouldn't be this tacky. If you can't afford to throw a party, don't throw it. Even when I was in my early 20s and living with roommates, the most we might do was put a box out for "donations," which people could leave or not leave, as they chose, without pressure. If nobody donated, then my roommates and I footed the whole bill. That's the way it works. Someone HOSTS a party. If you're paying to attend, then they are running a business (even if the intend to just break even), not hosting a party.

Tacky, and potentially a ripoff because when you send money to somebody you don't even know you have no way of knowing if it's going toward the party or into that person's pocket. I wouldn't get all bent out of shape over it--just say no, but I'd find out who the dumb*ss was who dreamed the idea up, so I could avoid them socially for the rest of my life.

Tacky and weird, but more because of the delivery than the message. It might have been less tacky and weird if, rather than sending formal invitations, the host would have called and said, "Look, we're celebrating so-and-so's birthday on this date at this restaurant, we would love for you to be there, but given the economy, we're asking people to pitch in and pay for their own dinners and throw in a few bucks to pay for so-and-so's dinner too." More of a personal touch than a "required donation" line on an invitation.

I like potlucks myself.

This practice has been a pet peeve for years. However I take it even further. If you are going to give a party, GIVE the party. Simply having cake and ice cream is better than asking guests to contribute. To call and say, "I'm giving so and so a party. Would you bring _________" is tacky and presumptuous.

When I give a party, I GIVE a party.

@ Elaine nan.... where do you work.... 1956? Sounds like some people in that office need to get a backbone and tell the guys to contribute.
No checkie- no tickie!

I vote totalIy weird. I would make sure the host gets a copy of this so they don't make the same mistake again.

You do not have to go if you find $20 per person to be a problem. They way I see it this person is doing everyone else a huge favor by taking all the planning on to their own shoulders. All you have to do is send $20 bucks, and you are free from figuring out how to contribute. Perhaps you are being the cheap one?

I think a potluck 40th party would have been more interesting and more appropriate. On the invitation - please RSVP and let me know what you are bringing. Or is this tacky too? Otherwise if you cannot afford the party - don't give it.

Sorry, that should read "contribution is EXPECTED"...

Many years ago I was invited to a birthday party that included a five dollar fee for the cost of the party. I was absolutely appalled. A host should carry the expense. People who were invited hummed and buzzed about the fee for weeks. Everyone wanted to celebrate the birthday, but everyone was insulted by the money issue. It was brought up to the hosts, all of whom kept pointing fingers at each other saying it way that person's idea, obviously embarrassed at what they had done. If it does not feel right, don't do it, is my motto. Clearly not theirs.

I have paid when invited to retirement parties, the price of a meal and the gift included in the cost. This practice seems natural and correct because no one person or couple is hosting the party. Rather it presents an opportunity for co-workers to celebrate the career of a colleague.

But individual parties, where hosts ask the guests to pay money are much more than tacky; they are degrading.

I think this is better than getting invited by the birthday person him/herself to celebrate their own birthday at a restaurant and then be expected to share the cost of his or her meal at the end. That's VERY tacky.

I have contributed substantially to a big birthday bash once beforehand because I knew the person organizing it was going way beyond her means to do it. I got a call from a common friend suggesting contributions from close friends. I thought it was fair. And then you get a nice Thank You from the birthday person. That's your birthday gift, and that's it.

I think the party ought to be a get together where everyone can bring a dish and maybe some booze. It's very inconsiderate to think that everyone can afford this sort of thing. If the people, who you don't know anyway, want to have a party, I think they should foot the bill.

I've got one for you, I was invited to a wedding and dinner afterward. The next line was if you want to bring a date he/she is not invited to dinner but feel free to invite them for dancing after dinner...Now how do you tell a date
meet me at the reception around 10pm., and be sure to dress up!..I did not attend.

I think tacky hardly begin to describe what this charge to the guest could be called. It sounds like someone is trying to make a buck on this affair. I honestly believe the "guest of honor" should be told. I know if someone were giving a party for me and a friend or associate did this, I'd be so embarassed I wouldn't know what to do. Then I'd get mad! I think this person would want to know. What's going to happen is that people eventually are going to hold resentment against the person the party was held for, they're not going to to believe they didn't know about it. I wonder if the honoree finds out about this just how STUPID the hosts are going to feel? I really hope someone tells them off about this, I also hope they have VERY few people show up. Of course they'll wonder why, they appear to be a very dense type.