Serious Eats - seriouseats.com

When I host any party I make sure that I have all the food,ice, drinks, chairs, ect. here unless that someone insists on bringing something and that is usually some sort of booze that i will not have here. I am hosting the party therefore I should provide is my theory. Now if a bunch of us decided to a potluck and everyone agrees to bring something then that is a different story. I am hosting a BBQ tomorrow and everyone has asked if they should bring something and I just say "yourself".

I think asking for people to bring lawn chairs to an outdoor party is practical and not all that unusual. Most people I know don't have a lot of outdoor seating. Maybe a picnic table or patio table and chairs, or maybe just a handful of lawn chairs. It makes a lot more sense to ask people to bring lawn chairs than for the host to spend a bunch of money renting additional chairs from somewhere.

What we used to do, though, when we lived close to family and had a lot of outdoor parties, was that the people who lived closest would bring over their chairs, so that between what the host had and the chairs that came from one or two other houses, it was enough for everyone. And the next day the host would deliver the chairs back to their owners.

As for the rest of it, it's really up to the host, and what's common among that particular group of friends. Some people like potlucks, some don't.

I usually have small dinners and I buy and cook everything, because that's what I like to do. But I'm not uncomfortable with a potluck. and I do go to a few. It's a lot less expensive for the host, and a lot less work, too.

Well, I guess the thing is, these parties are hosted by people we're only merely acquainted with. Between our own social circle, we really don't have any qualms with asking people to bring or not bring their own things.
To us, we feel like the host should provide most things, otherwise, it's just a bunch of people coming together to use a grill. Maybe we don't go to enough barbecues.... It's also just nice to ask if things need to be brought.

for the past 3 years a few of us have gotten together for our "annual oyster fest" -- i have it here at my house because i have a yard and we get to enjoy opening and slurping oysters all nite. we all split the cost of the oysters -- it usually costs us $30 per person. and we literally have dozens upon dozens of oysters. i usually make a few side dishes, dessert - booze. the friends usually bring whatever they want, and we have a really great night. it works out very nicely ....

If you are in college then I am assuming your friends are too. I would be very surprised if they had the money (and storage space!) for all the accoutrements needed for an outdoor BBQ. It seems to me the point is to get together and have fun in spite of not having very much to show. I remember a BBQ in college when it was all my boyfriend and I could manage to bring hot-dogs for our grill! Our friends shared their steaks and we all danced to each other's music. It was friendship that made it happen. Not everything in life has rules.

I completely agree with smallblonde mom, most of the college kids I know, and when I was one, don't have the funds to provide a bbq for everyone. We always brought our own meat, and we usually chipped in for the keg, or byob.

I also agree that the host sets the parameters. If they are "super-host" and want to do all the work, awesome. If not, and they just enjoy the spirit of getting together but need help, then I'm more than happy to bring something to share.

When the weather was nice in college we went to friends' with grills a lot, and sometimes I felt like a burger, sometimes I wanted steak, so I had zero issue with bringing my own protein. Occassionally I wanted 2 beers, sometimes 18, I don't ever expect anyone to pay for my good time.

I sometimes feel this is what the younger generation is very comfortable with, my mom would be horrified to ask people to bring their own meat. If that's what I needed to do to provide a good party atmosphere, so be it.

If you feel that the host should provide most things, host your own parties and run them that way. If it really bothers you, decline the invitations where you are asked to bring more than you think you should have to.

It takes a lot of time, effort, and money to host a party from top to bottom. Not everyone is in a position to do so. Maybe there's not enough spare cash to pay to feed 20 people at a barbecue, or maybe the host works and there's not enough time to prepare all the salads and sides in a reasonable amount of time, and no refrigerator space to store the stuff it if's made (or purchased) ahead. There are a lot of reasons why people would ask for contributions to an event. If someone has enough money and enough time, they still might like the idea of a potluck, where everyone gets to sample a bunch of different foods.

I know there are people who say that if you don't have the means to fund the whole event and do all the work yourself, then you shouldn't have the event. That's fine when they have their own parties. The only things you can control is your own events and your attendance at other events. There's no way you're going to enforce some sort of party rules on other people by saying that the host should do things one way or another. It's the host's party. If you have to wear a funny hat to get in, you have to wear a funny hat. Go along, or don't go. If you spend you time at the party grousing about how you shouldn't have to bring chairs or sides or booze, you're not going to have fun, and you're going to annoy the people around you.

Obviously you're very bright because you just got out of college and you have a lot of opinions that you're pretty sure are correct (Okay, I'm teasing, but that's what the "in MY opinion" sounds like) but potlucks have been around since the first hunter brought back some rabbits and the first gatherer brought back some greens, and someone else built a fire and made the stew. There are as many ways to have potlucks as there are people who throw them. The only set-in-stone rule is that the host sets the rules.

I'm with those who say chairs are not a silly request. In my family there is a set of folding chairs that travel. Whoever has them brings them to the house that is hosting because none of us has enough chairs for everyone (and some of the older adults can't sit on floors anymore.) For a cookout, I can see where people, especially college students, would need guests to bring their own chairs.

As students, I'm betting that the hosts just can't afford or don't have everything they need to host a party but would still like to have a party. In that case I can see the reason for the requests. If you don't want to or can't bring what is asked of you, see if there is an alternative or don't go. I belong to a very loose, large social circle where BBQs like you mention are normal. The host decides on the rules. We are usually asked to supply our own protein, beverages and chairs or blankets while the host will supply the grill, gas/charcoal/accessories, plates/napkins/utensils and some sides. Guests always volunteer to bring more sides/chips/dessert and it works out well for us.

@ NYCEater-- there's a mix of bringing enough for everyone, and enough for ourselves.

I guess also, the e-vites never state that we're supposed to bring such things, but we show up, and everyone's gotten all of this done and we end up looking like douche bags and subsequently, kind of makes the host/ess look like one too. Our biggest concern was we don't seem to have the know-how on how to function at cookouts, and just didn't know what was normal. Prior to this year, I had never been invited to cookouts where we were expected to bring things (I mean, I usually bring at least a side at all times anyways).

In that case, I think if the host(ess) wants people to bring their own food, they have the responsibility to make sure they tell people. I guess what I would do in a case where you aren't sure exactly what you should do is to call the host(es) and ask if you can bring a side dish or a dessert or anything. This way, the ball is in his/her court - if you are expected to bring your own food, that would be the time you should be told. Otherwise, you can get away with just bringing a side dish, which will likely be cheaper than a whole lotta meat.

I don't think there is a "normal" - it can change with the party. For instance, my boyfriend had a bbq for memorial day. He got the stuff to grill, and when people asked if they could bring anything he would ask them to bring things as needed - a couple people brought hot dog/hamburger buns, others brought some soda/alcohol. I made some sides. But he provided the mains.

In my thinking, unless you are going to ask everyone to bring their own food, if all you are going to provide is the space and grill and plates, then you need to make sure the load is spread evenly regarding what people bring.

There's a difference between being "invited to a party" and "being contacted by someone organizing a pot luck." The difference is huge and far reaching with many "in between" points. The details should be clear at the outset leaving the potential guest to decide whether or not to accept the invite based on the amount of work or expense it will require.

@chiff - You're right, and if the host isn't clear, that's a problem. But I find that with cookouts, extra food is almost always welcome.

Personally I try and provide meats and plates/utensils and a side or two when I'm hosting. Bringing a side can be as simple as picking up a bag of chips and a jar of salsa (I'm not picky -- if I were, I'd have made all the sides myself!); it doesn't have to be a grand complicated dish, I just want to make sure everyone has enough to eat. Better to have too much food than not enough in these situations.

As far as someone hosting and asking guests to bring basically everything, well... as others have said, in this economy, I don't think it's rude, especially if they're the one with the most outdoor space or largest grill or what have you. I get peeved when friends hear that and say "oh well then maybe I'm not coming to that BBQ if I have to bring something." Get over it!

I'll grab ice myself if I remember, if not, a text asking someone to pick some up I don't think is a big deal (ice is, what, $3 tops?).

With all the social networking sites, it's so easy to be looking at 15+ different weekend party / BBQ / concert / event notifications from any old or new acquaintance, sitting in your email. Socializing has never been easier... or ADD, not to mention expensive, if you choose to accept all those invites.

If you are young, strong, and in college, I say load up a sturdy cooler filled with ice, cans of beer, pop, and veggie dogs (or whatever items you want to share), put it on a little red wagon and wheel it around campus, or wherever your parties are. Then you can use the cooler as a seat, and no one will steal your beer out of the fridge!

the fact that you think it is odd to ask people to bring chairs is pretty foolish to me? If your having a party for 15 people the host is expected to go out and buy 15 chairs?!?

i see the food as much more the hosts responsibility though.

the end of the day who cares if someone asks you to bring something or not? isnt it more about the company than being a cheapskate?

@ hoff_83: I'm not saying these acquaintances are "cheapskates" by any means! The whole point of this post was that I (we, my friends) didn't know what was normal. I've hosted many parties (including dinner parties) in the past and even though I'm just in college, I make sure that I have enough seating, food, and drinks, etc. for everyone. Perhaps I should have kept this inquiry to myself, because people seem to be misinterpreting my question and answering me belligerently.

I think @Heart's hit on something with the "pressured to go to a party" comment. If it's a party that you really want to go to, you're more likely to be saying, "Whoo hoo! What can I do to help make this a success?" and you won't feel bad about bringing food, drinks, etc. But if it's a party you feel obligated to go to (family you don't like so much, business aquaintances that you have to schooze with, etc.) then you're not only going to resent the time spent at the party, but you're also going to resent having to spend time and money to "help" with the party.

And as much as someone might say, "If you don't want to go, don't go," sometimes it's better for you to attend even though it's not what you want to do. Been there, done that.

I think it's the age of the host....college age people don't have much dough, so they ask people to bring the main dish, liquor and desserts.
What's left?

Not in my world.
You are invited to my party, just bring yourself.
Food, booze and entertainment provided by yours truly.

How tacky to be asked to bring your own seats?
just bring your ass!

Really there are no hard & fast rules. Some hosts despite age and economy will always prefer to have a byo-type of event. Others will prefer to put out the whole spread. Regardless of the type of get-together, it really comes down to graciousness on part of host and guest.

I agree with most people here - ask the host first, who will probably tell you to "feel free!" I was raised with the mentality that it's largely impolite to show up empty-handed. That said, some hosts really don't need anything so if you're told to "BYOA," you should probably do so. (That episode of "The Office" where Michael brings the home-made egg salad in old tupperware to the classily catered McMansion house party comes to mind!) In most cases, bring a side dish or dessert - enough for everyone to enjoy - and not in a container that the host will be obligated to wash out for you!

So wait... are you guys trying to say that various bbqs and parties can be hosted differently? And maybe, just maybe... that all people are different? Because that would make sense.

Well, I think you should get a better group of friends. I always hung with the very, very rich kids in school and then they could provide everything! Now that I am out, I do the same thing. Also, I never, ever have a party myself to reciprocate. I just like taking advantage of my really rich "friends" and letting them foot the bill for everything. The parties they give are great and I get to eat all their food, drink all their expensive booze, and really make a pig of myself. Its the only way to go, so if you are asked to "bring" something, even a hostess gift, decline the invitation. How can you go through life taking advantage of people if you don't follow these rules?? I mean, really!

Invite ME!!!

Paris

When I entertain I try to provide everything necessary for everyone to have a good time. Since I'm the host, I plan the menu and I don't want someone to bring something that may not "go" with what I'm already preparing. Some of my friends are pretty lousy cooks, and heaven forbid they bring something nasty that my other friends will think I made. I definitely don't want to tell people that they need to bring something specific, which I think is just rude. It's my party and I was brought up to think that whomever did the inviting paid the bill, so to speak.

If people insist on bringing something, I tell them to bring some beer or wine that they like to drink.

We lived in L.A. from 1975 til 1987. My wife and I formed an over 35, co-ed softball league. (4 teams) and got a field from the park commission every Friday night and we played 2 games every Friday. We formed some great friendships and had many, many parties. Many of the parties were at our house (we had a pool and a bumper pool table in the garage). Everyone brought what they wanted to drink and a dish of some kind. These get-to-gethers would just happen on the spur of the moment. These were some of the best of times. Dave

IF SOMEONE WANTS TO BRING SOMETHING. I SAY BRING IT. IT DOESN'T HURT ANYONE IF SOMEONE WANTS TO BRING SOMETHING ELSE TO EAT OR DRINK. THE MORE THE MERRIER I SAY. IT'S JUST NICER TO HELP OUT. BUT ALOT OF PEOPLE DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO ASK IF IT'S OK TO BRING SOMETHING BUT COME AN EAT AND DRINK EVERYTHING THEY CAN. AND SOMETIMES WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO BUY SOMEMORE STUFF, SOME PEOPLE STEP UP TO HELP WHILE OTHERS JUST SIT BACK AN DO NOTING. IT FIGURES

Well, the responses to this thread have made obvious that there is no normal and people have different ideas of how things should be done. As someone who recently transitioned from "young and broke" to "30 and still broke" - my ideal situation is this:
- Host provides basics (meat, buns, a side, some drinks i.e., cheaper beers)
- Guests should always ask if they can bring anything, even if they think/know the host will say no.
- If the host does say no, it is still a good idea to bring a 6-pack or bottle of wine or something (for parties thrown by younger people) or a hostess gift (for parties thrown by older people)
- Hosts should be appreciative and almost deferential when accepting the offer of help. I'd have no problem bringing my own lawn chair as long as I were asked nicely (and as long as I actually had one!).
- Anyone with dietary restrictions should be willing to bring something they can eat (i.e., I'm vegetarian, and always will offer to bring the veg burgers because I don't want to pressure the host into fretting over a detail for just one person)

Here's what shouldn't happen:
-The host should never ask for food in the invite (unless you make it clear that it is a potluck)
- The host should never ask guests for money to cover expenses. (Unless you're young and you have a keg. I was always totally cool with throwing in a few dollars towards the community keg in my post-college years.)

And if you find yourself in a jam, it is of course okay to ask for help as long as you do it nicely "We're actually in a bit of a jam and would love it if you could bring a side to help round out the meal" and not "I need you to bring a side." Your guests would rather feel as though they were generous in helping as opposed to feeling as though they were required to bring something.

We're in a fully-furnished townhome on a short-term basis and left 99% of our stuff in storage 1,500 miles away. If we have a few neighbors over to get to know them better, I've no problem asking them to bring chairs. Normally, I might ask a few close friends for chairs/tables but I prefer small gatherings.

I also prefer to plan the menu and do the prep, cooking and cleanup myself. If there's a great dessert cook coming who wants to bring something, whatever it is will certainly trump my vanilla ice cream with fresh fruit. If I don't know someone well and they offer, I might ask them to bring a salad. Most people show up with something, flowers or a bottle of wine.

One thing I believe is rude is to require each guest to bring their entire meal. Then it truly is a bunch of strangers getting together to use a grill. Where's MY chicken? I need to cook MY veggie burger before any meat is placed on the grill! Ask if your guests have any food allergies. If you've vegeterians add a main or make sure your veggie sides are substantial.

Anyone under two years of age should ask his/her parents to bring the perfect meal for the little darling. As for college and just post-grad, I don't see the harm in budgeting for burgers, dogs, buns and sides, throw in a keg and pay for some of it but perhaps ask guests for $5 per person or so to cut down on the damage. They'll be happy for the party!

That said these are guests entering into a "social contract." If I make a four-course Tuscan meal for eight guests and no-one reciprocates by inviting my husband and I over/out to dinner in six months, those folks aren't on another guest list, period. I don't care if they brought a bottle of Chianti.

Wow, I can't believe the date of the original thread and I just signed on to this today! @fatcat is right-it's all relative and I also agree that @hefloats should not be called names and diminished for wondering and asking advice (what is it about this site????).

As it seems this is a very subjective issue. Chairs-my potluck at Christmas has me begging for them ( have 12 and need more for my 25-30 friends-aren't lucky to have so many-friends, that is). I would have a hard time asking for everyone to bring everything from the plates to the ice and then their own main, but that is my age and my income bracket.

However, I would imagine if there are people that never contribute or host and always have their hands out that I would separate myself from them. It is always better to have people think of you as a doer/contributer than as a taker. It is hard to be a giver and never have someone to reciprocate. Toxic relationships and hard feelings. I am lucky that when I have a dinner party or bbq that someone will appreciate that and I will be invited to their homes and have an opportunity to bring my side/beer/wine/chair. I hear you @ tdl1501.

I think that as time passes you will find out who really wants your company at their events and not just your chair. It may take some time to find those people who truly cherish you. Until that time try to be open to as much as you can...serendipity.