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Potlucks and weddings don't jive with me. Invited guests should be treated as such, guests, not the help. Have a potluck or a wedding reception, not both!

I have to say they bug me sometimes....
When a couple is still trying to have the huge party they clearly cannot afford, invite many many people and have a potluck I think it is tacky.
If guests are still asked to bring gifts AND food to a big wedding I think it is tacky.
However-
If the wedding group is small, like just family and very close friends, low-frill everything, and the guests don't HAVE to bring gifts (no registry or anything) and everyone is comfortable with it then it is not so bad.
I was at a BBQ reception for a cousin-in-law who was older and they had all the household stuff they needed. They cooked the main meats and had condiments/drinks, and asked guests to bring sides in lieu of gifts, and there were only 30 of us. It was more like a family party, no big dress, or cake etc. They made the focus the time with family and friends and that worked.

I know there are places where it is catching on, so each to their own really.
Just don't invite me to a huge 300 person wedding with a pricey store registry in the invite, a DJ, 1500 dollar dress, thousands of flowers and all the booze I can drink and then ask me to bring a salad too so you can save a few bucks.

I am already kind of a wedding snot (I freely admit) having worked in catering and cakes for so long, and I just can't stand it when a couple will try to throw a big affair so far out of budget just so they can have the big fancy wedding and get more gifts etc. and then ask so much of guests.
They are GUESTS, treat them like they are and don't throw a shindig you (or whoever is paying) cannot afford.

Tubal ligation/vasectomy---hilarious Jerzee! Spot on too.

I am not sure why people think a meal HAS to be provided...do cake and punch instead to save money, especially if you really feel you must invite 250 people. Then if you like, do as was suggested and treat the wedding party or just family to a meal later.
Just because a bride (and/or groom) wants a 'dream' wedding with all the trimmings does not always mean it is possible. Do what you can with what you have.

ok my opinion wont be very popular but having been to 2 potluck weddings, all I can say is they were fun, low key and completely joyful affairs. No one was asked to bring a gift, the bride and groom made it known no gifts were allowed. Instead the ceremonies were lovely and the happiness was shared by everyone eating family style and lots of recipes were exchanged. Now at neither of these weddings were a ton of people invited, they were true celebrations for family and friends not giant affairs for all aquantiences as an excuse to garner enough useless garbage to fill a house and storage building. In my opinion they were parties to celebrate the couples love and commitment. (I thought thats what a wedding was all about)

I'd never heard of such a thing until Brooke29 brought it up last week. I'm assuming her event is a small affair. It think it's acceptable if it is a small event with close friends and family but anything over 40 or 50 people is taking it a bit too far in my opinion.

It's pretty interesting to read all the different opinions. It will be a pretty small wedding. Several people, including us, will be flying in from out of town, across the country to attend it. We love these friends dearly and would show up no matter how they were doing their wedding, but I still find the idea of a potluck reception completely odd.

Yes, I was the one who originally brought up the potluck wedding issue since we are invited to one, and it was the first time I ever heard of one, too. It is a relatively small affair - 40-50 people. There is no registry or all that other BS, it's just a church ceremony and a barbecue afterwards. We are not family or "closest friends", but we made the cut, I suppose.

I am completely with @huney here (hence, not very popular, I reckon), I see nothing wrong with it. In fact, I've said to my friends that this is the first wedding in years (or ever?) that I find myself actually looking forward to. But I am not a fan of weddings. Way too many things about "regular" weddings just seem bloody ridiculous to me, I never dreamt about a princess wedding when I was a little girl (or any other wedding, for that matter, I had other aspirations), and I disagree with the notion that it's "the most important day of a girl's life". Don't get me wrong, it is important. But not everybody has to do a 300-people wedding with registry, 20-people wedding party (including 10 bridesmaids in dresses of bride's choice) or rehearsal dinners (my own wedding, while certainly not a "potluck" by any means, went absolutely fine without any of these things. People still tell us how much they loved our wedding - the venue, food and music). From where I stand, it's very refreshing to see a bridezilla-free wedding that is supposed to be a relaxed party in the couple's back garden and not a black-tie event that stresses everyone out.

I really don't care what other people are doing. What may seem inappropriate is if you mix and match formality.

If you're going to have a huge, formal reception like my father with my stepmother had a few years ago, the expectation would be that the reception should follow through, where people are invited to eat. It is customary in my tradition that no one gives actual gifts, everyone gives money, typically $200+ if you're close friends. As I mentioned in a post some time ago, my parents went to the extent of paying the way and accommodations from Japan for family members and friends of my stepmother's, which is expected if you send an invitation to a reception held 1000s of miles away. 300+ came to their reception.

If it's something casual and private (under 50), I don't see any problem with a pot luck.

Some people feel that a wedding reception is very important and need to have one, whether it's affordable or not. The smart couple does it in a way that the celebration doesn't enslave them.

I never cared, so I just held two receptions at a restaurant -- one in Cleveland at the Hard Rock Cafe and one in Hawaii at a Japanese restaurant in a hotel in Waikiki. I paid for the one in Cleveland and my father paid for the one in Hawaii. :P

brooke29--I'm with you and huneybumper. I don't even think that all these people are having teeny receptions b/c they can't afford something more. I think people need to expand their idea of what appropriate might be. If I were to get married, part of me wants only my nearest and dearest. Most of these potlucks are not whole day affairs, nor dress up affairs, neither do they require gifts. For most that I've heard of, either the ceremony is in the yard performed by a close friend ordained for the occasion, or takes place at city hall on another day without dragging guests to witness. I think people are making the mistake of assuming that all potluck weddings are also obscene cash grabs. In my experience, they have all been small, casual intimate celebrations.

In my opinion, a backyard wedding means close friends and family-a day to celebrate all the things you love best--if that means I can have my favorite dish my mother makes, and the pie that my girlfriend makes like no other, my brother's famous (in my world) ribs etc etc etc to culminate into something better than any plastic banquet hall chicken, then I'd be a happy bride. I would only invite those who truly wanted to be there, not anyone who would consider it 'giving up a Saturday'.

I have to confess that I'm torn: I'm not that keen on potlucks (sometimes there is the 'person breathing down your neck because you don't try their dish' problem). But I'm all for downsizing the wedding industry.

Ideally, at a wedding, you should know most of the guests well enough to know if it would be welcomed. Also, I have never gotten the 'oooh, I hope the FOOD IS GOOD and they FEED US WELL' attitude at occasions like weddings. Yes, it is nice if the food is good, but I hope I don't get kicked off Serious Eats for saying that for me it's not the end of the world if I nibble something and have a snack later.

I often wonder why like @jerzee said, that a huge dinner is seen as so necessary. I have heard of 'wedding teas' that sound very elegant. Or a BBQ if someone in the family is 'gifted' at that--or just something small and catered in the backyard.

The potluck wedding reception, the potluck retirement party, the potluck graduation party----in short TACKY. In my humble opinion, if you invite people you feed people. If you cannot afford the full out catered event, then you have your wedding, etc mid afternoon, offer cake and beverages and that's it. My parents were recently invited to a retirement party...the invitation asked all the guests to bring something edible to share, the hosts (and I use the term loosely) would provide paper plates, utensils and water.

@smallkitchen - I've been a guest to plenty of $100,000 (and up) weddings that were not at all casual...and those marriages lasted a year or two (the one that was a real princess wedding, with white horses, coach (carriage) and whatnot especially comes to mind). I also know people who had a wedding "party" in their flat with sandwiches from a cafe downstairs, and they've been married for 40 years. Unfortunately, the size and the"appropriateness" of your wedding does not guarantee the longevity of your marriage.

I think the only way it would work if it was very very casual and very very intimate. Only close friends and family.

You risk being tacky if the bride showed up in a big white wedding dress to a guest list of 200 all of whom brought their own food.

You probably shouldn't register at Williams Sonoma or Saks if you're having a potluck wedding, just a thought.

With weddings, no matter how much one plans or worries, no matter how much thought or work went into it, no matter how many people one tries to please or must please--someone will always have a snide observation or sniff in superiority at the choices that were made. With weddings, you can't make everybody happy. After breaking out in hives, dealing with a tropical depression the day before knocking out power to half the city, a mother-in-law-to-be that threatened to boycott the wedding if her brother and sister were invited, a flowergirl that got stung by a wasp/hornet, and a pissed off Dad (mine--still don't know why)...after dealing with all that on my wedding day, I will not say one bad thing about anyone's decisions regarding how they choose to celebrate their union. People do what they can, when they can. If you choose to join in their celebration, it's up to you to decide what you're comfortable with contributing, be it food or a gift or both or neither.

hrmmm... i think i'd rather go to an potluck wedding where a bunch of different dishes are prepared by the loved ones of the family than a cookie cutter wedding at a banquet hall or hotel ballroom that serves hockey puck chicken, over boiled veggies, and terrible cake, any day. (i guess i've been to a few too many of those weddings)
but yeah, i agree with most of you.. it'd have to be a smaller wedding.

google 'Penny Weddings", a Scottish tradition, hundreds of years old.

“Penny Wedding,”is a wedding in which guests are expected to bring their own food and drinks to the church or hall to celebrate after the ceremony is over. This custom still exists in some areas of the west coast of Scotland.

In the "old neighborhood," it was an Italian-American tradition for all the ladies in town to bring their signature dishes. One brings braciole, one lasagna, one spiedini... That said, if it's not your thing, don't do it. As for myself, I liked it because catered food is, by nature, extremely expensive and spending a ton of money per plate can still result in watery green beans, pasty dried mashed potatoes, and utterly inedible chicken. Personally, I'd rather have my mom's Sicilian cutlet.

Of course, the idea around those weddings was almost that the guests were throwing it for them - as if to say, "welcome to the community!" Now, it seems like weddings are more about the the spectacle of the coupling. Witness the atrocity known as "unity candles."

Anyway, I personally don't get too balled-up about stuff like this. Want me to bring a plate of mostaccioli? Okay. If I then can't afford an extravagant gift, oh well.

On the scale of tackiness, inviting me to a potluck ranks nowhere near inviting me to the private "family" wedding shower, and the big, general friends and family wedding shower, and then the personal shower where the younger people were invited and where one of the "fun" activities was tying bows on table favors for the wedding, and then when the wedding invite arrives, helpfully included is the wedding registry info where most of the gifts are in a price range equivalent to what I make in a week (and can you really give just one wine glass?) because all the less expensive stuff was already gifted at the showers...and then there's helpful information about where to send gifts to the bride and groom's new home, and there's a map to the church. But no invite to the reception. So, let's see, I'm good enough to go to three flippin's showers and I can mail a gift to your new home, and I can sit through a church service, but I'm not "close" enough to go to the reception? That's tacky.

@huney--if you will notice the majority of us did NOT put down potluck wedding receptions that were small and sans/gifts and registries.

It is the folks who ask for $200 a place-setting china and a zillion other pricey gifts, AND ask guests to bring food. There is a line.

@db--omg, I know what you mean. Folks having 2 or more showers or 'pre-parties', being sure to highlight how they want certain gifts, and inviting the same crowd to all, then not inviting that crowd to the wedding. So weird and awful!

Worst was a couple I went to high school with. Both from well-off families. Big enough wedding I guess, but to everyone they could not/would not invite, they sent out "Sorry we could not invite you, but if you want to send money anyway, here is a gift account we opened." T-A-C-K-Y

@everyone--I really feel so much better reading this thread. At my cousin's wedding, as just a guest (not a member of the wedding party), my aunt pressured me to get a new dress for $125 because my navy shirtwaist wasn't good enough, and this was after traveling to PA for the event. I am glad I am the only person who doesn't think the wedding industry and wedding 'attitudes' are just crazy!

@dbcurrie--my jaw just dropped hearing your story, as well as @brooke29's 100,000 'princess' wedding that ended in divorce!

As for the food aspect--I love the 'sweets table' idea, especially, given that wedding cakes are often not consumed, despite their insane price.

It's amazing how really rude wedding things are just taken for granted, like the ubiquitous registry and such.

I kind of think that the most welcome wedding from the guest's point of view is a small affair, with optional gifts, and fairly low-key food that is catered in someone's backyard or at an inexpensive local place. But like others have said--a potluck is preferable VASTLY to a wedding registry that includes a $300 roomba.

One thing to consider is that if the bride and groom are fairly young, and if the parents are paying for the event, the mothers may have more control over what's happening than the bride and groom. So the bride goes dress-hunting and torments her bridesmaids and picks out pretty gifts that she registers for, but the moms are the ones pulling the strings as far as the party. Which can be even more interesting if the moms don't agree.

If the bride and groom are paying, the parents are probably still trying to pull strings, unless they're disowned, dead or decrepit.

@NotAmerican--and no plastic 'bride and groom' to top it off!