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I think that the general code is if a guy buys you a drink and you accept, you are obligated to chat with him for a bit. He's buying you the drink because he wants to talk to you - right? So, if you are not interested, you need to politely turn the drink down and explain that you are not available. Awkward though, and I've definitely been there.

I would agree that it's an attempt at flirting (if you accept the drink then he can come talk to you). I think it's a dumb way of doing things on the guys end. How does he know what kind of drink to send? What if you hate beer or wine or can't drink anything with gluten in it? I think talking to someone and asking if you can purchase them a drink makes more sense. He spent money on a drink without making his intentions clear and without you asking for it/accepting his flirtation. I say take it, it's his loss for being dumb.

Also, the frugal part of me thinks "well the drink has been made/poured and there's no sense in wasting it..."

The guy was a d-bag for being upset. Them's the breaks. He took the chance, he had to accept the outcome, whatever it may have been, and that included the possibility of your bf walking in to scoop you up. He should feel lucky that your bf didn't show up moments later than he did, which would have been infinitely more awkward. In my opinion, he got off easy.

Thanks for these responses, excellent points (drinks all 'round, on me :)! Yes, he knew to send me the wine, since it was what i was already drinking (I guess he asked the bartender).

I do feel badly and it's true, it all could have been headed off at the pass (haha) if he, or the bartender, had asked if it was okay, first. I automatically would have refused, vs automatically accepting. Weird how that works.

And as for the "unsigned contract" part, I think that's what confuses me. Who decides the terms, exactly!

@onepercent99, I was kind of in reaction mode, and since I'm a social and friendly person (I think) in nature, the toast was an automatic reflex on my part. All of it was rabbit in headlights shock-reaction, from the acceptance to the awkward toasting. I wasn't trying to screw him over by any means!

After the fact, I think I might have told the bartender to thank the gentleman, but please let him that although I'm flattered, I'm not alone, I'm waiting for someone. The guy then has the chance to withdraw the drink or not, but he knows you're not available and he's let down little more gently than you just saying, "no."

I'm guessing that the guy told the bartender to send you one of whatever you already ordered rather than some random thing he wanted you to have, right? So he's probably not going to ask for it back and drink it himself. So the drink's not wasted, as it would have been if you refused it.

If he did send you some random drink that you didn't want, then you're probably better off not meeting him. That strikes me as being the first sign that he's a little too controlling.

Yeah, it's hard when you're put on the spot like that... the timing was unfortunate because you didn't have a chance to chat with him briefly and say "Listen, I'm flattered, but I'm also waiting for my boyfriend."

He took a risk. It didn't pay off. He will survive. And a perfectly innocent glass of wine got to be enjoyed instead of dumped down a sink somewhere. All's well.

Obviously this is much easier in hindsight, but why not, "My boyfriend is about to arrive and we have plans for the evening, but thanks for the drink."

When I get a drink (compliments from a some boob across the room) I take it, hell just cause I don't have a ring on my finger does not mean shit. I tell the bartender to tell whoever it is thanks and go about my business. Same if when the bartender says an anonymous person wants to buy you a drink, again tell the bartender and order, No obligation to talk, name your first born child after him, anything!!

Clearly, things have changed - and not for the better.

It's been a lot of years since I hung out in bars - ah, lovely times! - but when I was alone and a stranger sent me a drink, the server pointed out who it was from, and I'd smile and nod. A silent "thank you."

After that, if I wanted to have anything else to do with the guy, I'd go over to him and start the conversation he so obviously sought. Sometimes I ended up having some really great times; sometimes I didn't go over because, well, just because it didn't work for me.

But no one ever approached me or made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe I was just lucky.

The idea that a man can presume to approach me because he CHOSE to buy me a drink is absurd. It's all up to me, and if he approaches me, he's risking being told that "I'd really rather be alone, thanks," or "My boyfriend is on his way to join me, but thank you."

I like the old days better ...................

I had a BF many years ago who felt every drink he bought a woman was an investment in some type of future activity. He whined to me once that he bought a woman drinks all night only to find out she was engaged. The relationship didn't go anywhere (surprise!) but his anger toward the woman who may have just been making friendly conversation made me painfully aware how some guys view buying a woman a drink.

In my younger years I've bought drinks for men across the room. Sometimes it worked out to a nice evening or friendship and sometimes they told me they were attached; at which time I'd wave and indicate that he should keep the drink and the best of luck to him. She, whoever she might be, was a lucky girl.

Unfortunately, the guy who sent you a drink must have thought along the lines of my long-ago BF. I'm sure your gesture was made out of politeness, but he read it as an invitation and got annoyed when your BF showed up. That is entirely his loss and he is a complete moron. He was probably so charged up by your gesture of friendliness and then got his hopes dashed by the (timely!) arrival of your BF. He needs to stay the f*ck out of the bar scene until he grows a pair and accepts the occasional disappointment that accompanies reaching out to another human being.

I have a hard time believing you don't know that there are men who expect that a drink accepted by a lady buys them entree into, at the very least, a minute of conversation. I have no problem with women getting free drinks, and in no way does it obligate you to anything, but you need to admit to yourself that it's an opportunistic act- not "bad", not "wrong", but definitely opportunistic- and that capitalizing on a douche-y guy's utter lack of game (men of the world: it's a lot more effective to confidently walk over and TALK to a woman- "sociable and outgoing" is a lot better game plan than "desperate and passive-aggressive"; you can always buy a friendly drink if the conversation goes well) may result in him getting pissed off at you. In case you didn't realize it, though, any woman who puts in enough hours at bars is eventually going to have someone offer her a drink. And her choices are: say, "No, thank you," or take the drink and deal with the fallout.

That said, I'm a bartender, and I can tell you that the one thing that was, in fact, "wrong" with this scenario was the fact that the bartender in this story didn't give you the chance to decline BEFORE pouring the drink, thereby putting an end to an awkward situation before it even started. It's all about making guests happy, right? The creepy guy would've had his money to offer the next pretty girl a drink, and you wouldn't be on Serious Eats wondering what you should've done differently.

I'm with Womandingo and smallkitchen.
Bottom line: The guy was out of line.

I think pamstar had the right idea for appeasing the wounded fella, though.

Cheers,

~ Paula

Wow...what an awkward situation! OH says that in that situation he'd rather I'd decline, but the fact that it was already poured doesn't make it that simple.

I think what I would've done is leave the wine untouched, tell the bartender to tell the guy I was meeting someone, then wait until he gave the go-ahead to drink it. It seems like he was an ass, but since the drink was wasted, he probably would've let you keep it, no harm done. Not touching the drink leaves the "contract" open - it shows that you're not being completely rude by refusing it, but you're not accepting his invitation, either.

That being said, this is a pretty abnormal reaction - I've been in situations where guys have bought me drinks, and as long as I made it clear I wasn't available, I never felt pressured. In fact, even if you DON'T tell a guy you're taken he should never expect anything more than conversation! Just because he opened the door, you were certainly under no obligation to even talk to him, and I think the way you handled it was just fine.

@Pav remind me to never accept a free drink when next in Birmingham
;-)

The bartender's job is to pour a drink and take the money. While it would be nice on both parties, they shouldn't be expected to ask.

There is no such thing as a free lunch. By accepting a gift from someone, the receiver's obligation is to reciprocate.

I still say it's no one's fault other than the guy for being offended. It is not the bartender's responsibility to navigate romance between customers. And regarding the OP you did nothing inappropriate. Jeez, are we back in the 1950s when getting a dinner means 'first base' at least?

A bartender's job is to oversee his or her bar and see to the needs and wants of his or her customers- within reason, of course. Pouring drinks and take money for them is only part of the equation, which also includes making conversation with guests, listening to people's stories, determining when someone's had enough to drink, making recommendations to customers who don't know what they want, introducing people to one another, defusing difficult and intense situations, and generally being the human face of the business they work for. That brings people in the door, and that's why bars aren't staffed by robots...yet. A bartender who thinks and acts otherwise gives a respectable occupation a bad name, and if he works next to me, he's taking money out of my pocket. Embarrassed or pissed off customers don't come back.

Well, that was more directed at Cassaendra, really. And no offense taken either way, really. This guy clearly needs to grow a set and take his knocks like a man, and my original point wasn't that the OP did anything wrong, merely that there are a lot of jerks in the world and that it pays to just be aware of that unpleasant fact of life and to deal with it directly- and that, in bars, bartenders can keep said jerks on a leash to some degree. I still think it's ridiculous to buy someone a drink as anything other than an absolutely no-strings-attached friendly gesture. If you want to get to know someone, for whatever reason, just go say, "Hi." Pretty girls shouldn't be that scary, guys.

I was asking this question to my twitter followers and such just a couple weeks ago. Personally, I am always skeazed when a man buys me a drink, thinking that a drink is going to seal the deal. Really, now. A drink? You've never spoken to me and suddenly you want something from me?

Male nature or not, I don't feel sorry for any man in that situation. If that man deserved your respect, he would have came over and tried to talk to you first, to see if you were even available and interesting. THEN the drinks may flow.