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Thanks for writing this. I'm happy to see that there are people out there with similar situations in life. For me, it was my freshman year of college that I lost 15 pounds by eating nothing but a salad and frozen yogurt each day. Ten years later, I have slowly morphed in a very food involved person but in a positive, loving way. I'm much happier now!

Eating always seemed like a hassle to me. I always seemed to have better things to do. But as I matured and to be honest back when the food network was interesting 10 years ago, I realized how important food was. I still have food issues but I am able to go out and eat with friends without heading to the bathroom to lose my lunch as they say. Thanks for your story. Excellent thread.

i have briefly struggled with not eating at times... in hopes of "oh i just want to lose a few pounds..." i still battle with it occasionally. it started in high school and now that i am in college everytime i get stressed i go back to that feeling of hating everything and not wantint to eat... my love of delicious, often fattening, foods does not help but i do try to to everything in moderation. food blogs are often what gets me thru. i read at least 15 food blogs, maybe more, and altho that sounds a bit crazy, its what i do for me... the pictures and recipes inspire me to be the best cook/person i can be an i realize i can do this and be healthy about it. SE has gotten me thru more than a few rough patches! Thanks Guys! (sorry for writing so much :) )

In high school my coach pulled me aside and asked about my eating. I was very thin but I ate like a horse so I didn't appreciate the "intervention." In college, my friends told a resident advisor that I wasn't eating. They didn't realize it was because I didn't have money to buy groceries and my work/class schedule made me miss the cafeteria's mealtime. The RA was able to hook me up with the cafeteria's to go program that was not at all advertised because they wanted us to eat in the caf. That "intervention" was much appreciated since I'd already paid for the meal plan.

In my mid-twenties, I was anorexic. I was only eating one meal a day while I worked in a restaurant and I usually ordered a kids meal. For me the problem was not because of food itself. I didn't have any weight loss goals. It was just the one thing that I knew I could control in my otherwise uncontrolled life. Odd thing is that I was in school to be a social worker at the time and I was interning in a high school so I should've known better. I hated school, I hated my apartment and roommates, I hated my boyfriend. I was depressed and it was the social worker who was supervising my internship that finally sat me down to talk about it. Once I quit school and my internship (two months before graduation - big mistake), moved, and broke up with my boyfriend, I started eating normally and got better. I haven't had a problem with undereating since then except in highly stressful situations but those don't last long. I keep a picture of myself with the awful gray skin and the bones sticking out in places they shouldn't to remind me not to let life's challenges affect my health.

The only food issue I have left is actually an overeating issue. We were raised to clean our plates and if they weren't clean we had to sit in the dark kitchen until bedtime. ("You have family in Viet Nam starving. You will not waste this food" was my mom's mantra.) The guilt worked and I am fanatic about finishing all my food now. It isn't a problem when I serve myself because I serve small portions and have seconds instead of serving a large portion that I will feel compelled to eat. But in restaurants with gargantuan portions, it is a problem. I try to be very conscious of asking that my food be boxed up the moment I feel I am done. I usually eat out with my sister who knows that if my plate is in front of me I will finish it, so she's good about moving it away from me if the server doesn't bring a box when I ask for it.

Interestingly my sister ended up on the opposite end of the food waste issue: she has never made her kids eat anything and if she doesn't like something, she will order a new meal. She also refuses to eat leftovers and rarely takes food home from a restaurant. Where I don't feel I can waste a bit of food, she feels that she's already paid for the food and can do with it as she pleases - even if that is throwing it away.

What has drawn me to SE and cooking is that I have realized that if I know I'm going to make myself eat whatever is in front of me, I want that food to be good. It took a long time to get to that point but I'm working on it. I'm working on my Masters in Psychology right now and hope to be able to combine it and my interest in food into a career. @rdrnr44: I've thought about doing an RD program too - I'll decide when I'm done with my current program.

I have dealth with an EDNOS for about 12 years now. I have learned to choose my food wisely as food i can "keep" and food i wont. I am a huge "foodie" (i hate that term) and love to cook, eat, shop for it, serve others, read about it, etc, but its a love hate relationship thats for sure. At my worst I wieghed 96 pounds and now i have been a steady 125 for 7 years now.

If I am super stressed, it will rear its ugly head though.

Eating disorders run in my family, and I think my mother over-compensated her natural concern for my susceptibility for them by making me paranoid about developing one from a young age.

I was very thin throughout my teenage years, and was terrified of developing and/or having people even THINK i had an eating disorder. Girls would come up to me in the cafeteria and ask if I was anorexic, so I was very self-conscious about what I ate in public, and made sure I always ate big and/or heavy meals, so no one would "worry." This led to a pattern of overeating, which I'm still struggling with. I learned that boys especially were impressed I could eat so much and stay so thin, so it became a competition to eat a big meal, sort of like how people binge drink in college.

I'm aware of my tendency to over or under-eat (guilt from overeating led to cycles of dieting), and though it's a struggle, I have pretty stable, healthy meals now. Still, I rarely enjoy eating out, because I'm always worried people are watching what I order and how much I eat - most places I know I should take home at least half the meal, but I'll keep eating so whoever I'm eating with doesn't think I'm purposely not eating.

Thanks for raising this topic - when you're enthusiastic about something, you often walk a thin line between having and losing control, and I'm not surprised other Serious Eaters have had similar food issues. We're obsessed with it, of course we'll have issues!

I think about food all the time. I need to shed some pounds due to eminent heart disease and arthritis in my knees and ankles. I have a very expensive compost pile resulting from all my good intentions to eat fruit and vegetables. Today it was egg salad for lunch (with fresh dill), a stuffed baked potato for dinner (bacon, sour cream, butter, cheese), plus I baked an oatmeal snack cake. It is a daily struggle, even though my family loves to eat my cooking. Good luck to all of you above who have shared your stories.

I can kind of relate to this article. I'm a huge foodie and love cooking just for the heck of it sometimes. I have a fridge full of random leftovers at all times. A few months back, I got to the point where I would cook these great meals, take 2 bites, and literally get sick. I lost 15 pounds, so I looked great, but was dying to eat. I finally went to the doctor and found out I had acid reflux. Thankfully, I started taking a simple OTC med and was able to eat again. It's almost like I was a bulemic against my will. So, now I eat freely! I gained most of the weight back (blah) but now I can enjoy all that I love to cook!

In HS I had diagnosed eating disorder, I was about 10-15 lbs overweight and refused to eat, mornings were impossible to eat anything and I refused to eat at all in school, I would hide in the bell tower with a can of diet pepsi, my first and only meal of the day was dinner. Little did I know my body was in starvation mode and therefore refused to lose the weight. Now a days, because of an ongoing illness I am forced to eat very small amounts, and since I am very much underweight, I have had waiter, waitresses, and even cooks come up to me and ask if the food was ok. On one highly embarrasing occasion, I had a chef come up to me and ask if the food was ok and when I said it was wonderful, he then said "what's wrong with eating it then or are you afraid of getting fat?! "

Ooops - I mean "became obsessed and focused only ON that.

@mollykate678 - I can relate - When I would make these wonderful meals that everyone else would eat and then I only ate nearly no-calorie salads, I would relish in the sick pride I felt the that I had so much more control and will power than everyone else did. Little did I realize that I wasn't in control then either - the disorder was.

As someone who has also gone through her own issues with anorexia,
it took my passing out numerous times, the last of which was into a closet door in my parents house, which I broke, to realize I had a problem. My life then was eating maybe one meal a day, if that. I was 5"4 and weighed 89 lbs. I have a very athletic build, so I Iooked bad.

And yes, this is a control issue. When things in your environment are beyond your reach, your weight is something that people will notice, and, address.However with time comes knowledge. My life today , if I want
to eat, I will. Making healthy choices and living life knowing all is good in moderation, fulfillment follows.
There are no more fad diets, or starvation weekends. I run 1 hour a day with my dogs, balance between pilates and weights, and then I get to eat
whatever I want, in moderation. Being that wine and cheese is my biggest weakness, I better make sure I keep true to my word. No more proving my
worth to the masses, just myself

I

I struggled with anorexia through high school. And then I became a binge/purger through senior year of high school. Freshman year of college...I was so unhappy and homesick I stopped eating, or ate very little and "got rid of it"...I am 5'8" and I weighed 90 pounds. It was gross, now that I look back on it. I'm currently "recovered"...but I still have food issues. I get stressed and those urges return. I always think about food. I probably eat too much and I have a distorted view of what a "portion" is. I mean really, who else eats a whole pound of broccoli for dinner? That'd be me. I sort of feel like when you mess around with a basic survival function (eating) it will never go back to normal 100%.

I struggle every day. I would like to say I feel good at 130 pounds, but I don't....but I'm working on it. At 20 years old, I've put myself through alot of abuse and within the last year or so I've finally learned to embrace my body and myself...and learn to like myself again. It was a dark 6 years, but I'm seeing light now and eventually I'll love myself again. One day at a time.

I applaud y'all for sharing your stories (and relate, as a former anorexic/bulimic), but beware: Those still in the midst of illness may read things like this to fuel their behaviors or learn tips.

Like reports about suicide, reports about anorexia and bulimia can lead to people experimenting with the behavior.

At my predominately Jewish high school in Long Island, pretty much every girl was, in some way shape or form, exhibiting some disordered eating. However, I was the only one who managed to lose 35 pounds, whittling down to a scale-tipping 70 pounds, and have myself pulled out of school and thrown into a clinic for 3 months (I've always been an overachiever!).

As someone with an ED will tell you, the obsession with food is permeating and infects every part of your life. I could not get through 10 minutes, much less an hour, without thinking about what I would or would not eat. This was truly crippling and did not allow me to focus on what the root causes were that were making need to control this part of my life in such a manner. However, with the help of some excellent doctors and nutritionists, I was able to get to a point where I could think clearly and address these issues and save myself. More importantly, with the help of an amazing therapist, I was able to recognize that I WANTED to save myself, which is the key ingredient, so to speak, of recovery.

Next Tuesday is my 10 year anniversary of being hospitalized (I will be celebrating at Gramercy Tavern or 11 Madison Park. Or Pamplona, to shake things up a bit- I have yet to decide and am open to more suggestions!) I currently consider myself a 'foodie' and love to eat, cook, talk about food, read about food, and mostly eat food. Back at 17, I never imagined I would have such a healthy relationship with the stuff, even though I am equally as obsessed as I was back than. I guess the major difference is then I saw food as a way to punish myself and control my life, and now I see it as something that brings me pleasure, engages me in fun socializing with loves ones, has fueled me through 2 marathons and will power me though a long and healthy life- one that I deserve.

I strongly encourage anyone suffering to seek help and please tell yourself you are worth nourishing and keeping alive. Keep reminding yourself, get physically healthy and I promise, some day you will believe it, even if you don't at first.

Wow, it's incredible how many of us serious eaters have dealt with serious eating problems. I was anorexic in high school as well (combo of being super stressed and being a chubby kid), and weighed around 98-105 in junior year. Around then, I realized that I could start actually eating again, as long as I got rid of it afterward. I'd describe myself as semi-recovered, although in stressful times I revert back to full-on bulimia and/or anorexia. I've also never been diagnosed or seen any kind of doctor about this, and have only spoken to two friends about it. However, I recently made a big step (for me) towards recovery, and told one of those friends that I was planning on making an appointment after exams!

I've been cooking like crazy basically ever since I became anorexic, since cooking somehow repressed my appetite (or tired me out so I wasn't hungry anymore, I guess). I just need to keep reminding myself to eat things that are nutritionally valuable to my body, since the times when I give in and eat junk food is when things start going downhill. Luckily the food that's good for us also tends to taste the best and be the most enjoyable to prepare, so I have high hopes for the future!

Great thread. It's nice to know I'm not alone here in my love/hate relationship with food!

@fdr1952

It's great that you're celebrating 'life' by having a nice dining experience. I don't think it has to be a high-end place, just a place that you feel comfort in. What type of cuisines do you like?

_______

I also can relate to all the above comments. Sometimes I feel I'm in denial, but after reading this thread, I feel I'm still struggling. It's not full-blown, but as everyone had mentioned, it's such an 'easy way' to control oneself. We can't control what's going on with the politics, the weather, or natural disaster, yet we can do 'something' with our body. However, why do we torture it rather than celebrate its existence by feeding it with good food? I must admit that I don't crave chips and candies like I did as a child, but I would never shun away from avocado (tooooo good!), hummus, bread, and rice. Now, I got for the good carb and fat and they taste and make me feel so much better too!

I used to be anorexic, and oddly enough, those are the days where I developed such a passion for food. Maybe that's because I don't want to waste my calories on something mediocre, and would rather starve than eat something I thought I already know the taste, and would search for something new and out of the ordinary. I also baked a lot, and often spend hours on food and recipe blogs. After baking I would feel full, so I rarely eat what I made, prefering just to have a bite to make sure it tastes good. I have come to terms with my disorder though, and it made appreciating food so much easier! I would not worry so much about ordering in a restaurant, or when I am in a dinner party and would just enjoy whatever was served to me instead of constantly worrying and obsessing about how I can decline what was offered in a nice and unsuspicious way.

@tangledgray

Oh gosh. You just reflected what I was feeling today! I went to brunch with mom and was 'horrified' when I found my sandwich included dressed lettuce. Now normally, a sandwich 'shouldn't' have olive oil laden greens, but for some reasons, this kitchen decided to do so. Also, the salad was sprinkled with sea salt and I was not happy as well. It's so difficult for me to enjoy a nice meal out still. I get disappointed when I find the food 'not safe' to eat. I still consumed my meal. It was good. I just had to keep telling myself that olive oil is good for me, olive oil is healthy...but the sea salt I really wasn't happy about. I find it harder and harder for me to dine out because I can't 'control' the food I want.

@tangledgray

Thanks for your comforting message. Yes. I felt quite uneasy when I found out that I've gained weight, but weight that I needed. I guess it's also due to the events that are happening to me and like the others have mentioned, it just seems like 'eating' is the easiest way to control oneself. I'm also bombarded with all these dieting 'tips' and I've got to say, a lot of them are just not realistic. A plain yogurt with 10 almonds as a snack? A cup of oatmeal topped with fruits for breakfast? Grilled fish with a side of salad (a dip of a forkful of vinegar dressing)? Oh please. That would never work for me. I feel the media and all these so called advices are contaminating people's mind. Yet...I can't help it. That's how sad it is for me.

I just get scared when I dine out because I don't know what's actually on the plate. How do you cope with this?

i've just "recovered" from anorexia. i started with orthorexia, an obsession with eating healthy to the point of...well. starvation....but it lead to anorexia when my family tried to get me to recover. at 5'8, i dwindled down to 112 pounds...i'm back up to 140-some pounds, but it's because i gained a lot of muscle back. my eating disorder lead to my interest in food too. i remember being able to sit for hours, reading cookbooks and taking notes for dishes i want to prepare but would never. i'd spend days...even a week planning ahead for one special dish i'd allow myself a little of. and then i'd completely freak out if anything 'ruined' the moment.

right now i'm struggling with binging and bulimia....but i've been able to help myself by just telling myself to eat healthy wholesome things....i can't eat out though. as much as i fancy the idea, i have huge issues with eating food not prepared by me. even bread from a store. it took me months to trust cheese or milk again. :/

Sidecar, you've hit on something I hate. Ignoring the fact that calorie counts are only rough approximations and that adding or subtracting condiments or variations in the ingredients themselves can alter them, I find this VERY triggering. It's hard to look at calorie counts and not think that less is always better.

I've seen studies that suggest that most of the anti-obesity messages affect people who are not seriously overweight - they have a much greater affect on the behavior of the already thin. Which leads me to believe that there's way too much discourse on obesity as a public health hazard - these messages do not make people healthier but they do mess with those already prone to disordered eating.

A brave comment, and an unfortunately relevant one. I have been battling AN/BN for eight years, and it manifested under similar circumstances, when I moved away from my hometown & everything familiar and went off to university. I have been in treatment three times and my weight has fluctuated up & down 60 pounds. There have been "better" times, and other times when I was so psychologically crippled I felt I couldn't possibly face another day. I'm in a spot now where I have a very supportive dietician who is helping me make some significant changes. It is a personal choice for me to eat a vegan diet, and get organic/local products when I can. There are so many wonderful things to experience, and I am so excited to continue to challenge myself with new and different foods. I wish anyone who is dealing with this disorder courage, and an honest love for life. Cling to whatever it is that inspires you, and I hope that food can be one of those things. "Fake it til you make it!"