"Sticky" subject ... giving "bites" ... how to handle?
I am a very generous person in almost all aspects of my life. Want the shirt off my back? Here, it's yours. The one area I'm not is when dining out, unless I offer, I want ALL of my food! It doesn't matter if you're willing to give me a "bite" (which the size of bites differs with each person) of yours, I'd rather not. Does anyone else share this view, and how do you diplomatically handle this issue?
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33 Comments:
I used to be in your camp, but I relented. It used to be my philosophy that I ordered what I wanted to eat, and I didn't order what I didn't want to eat, and that was that, so I had no interest in trading "bites" with anyone else at the table. My ex-wife always wanted to trade "bites." I found that various other people I dined with did as well. I felt like the Grinch as I sat there while most of the people at the table were trading bites with each other. I wasn't trying to be mean--I simply had no interest in a sample of someone else's dish. Eventually, I relented and joined the ranks of bite traders, out of a sense of accommodating others.
Lorenzo at 10:32AM on 03/04/09
What's the point of eating out with friends if you can't sample their food? I absolutely share bites. And expect to be able to bite in return.
unarata at 10:34AM on 03/04/09
I'd rather try more than one dish at a restaurant. When I am out with my friends, we never order the same thing. After a few bites we trade plates for one or two bites. I eat out very infrequently because I only bother to eat at restaurants where the food is known to be fantastic, and therefore, expensive. I may never get back to a particular restaurant, so I want to experience a variety of dishes to get a better sense of the chef's talent and appreciation of food.
Don't be so stingy. It's just a bite. Restaurant portions are too large anyway.
Barbieri13 at 10:38AM on 03/04/09
I don't mind trading bites, but it definitely depends on who I'm with. Probably would only do it with family or close friends or maybe even a date. Actually, sometimes I just offer for someone else to taste what I ordered without expecting anything in return (especially if I don't have any interest in their dish!).
mandoopandoo at 10:55AM on 03/04/09
It depends. If we purposely order plates "to share", then, of course, we share and it doesn't bother me.
Otherwise, I normally order two starters - having taken home numerous "doggie bags" with my untouched/barely touched entrée, I've learnt that this is exactly how much I can eat. Besides, in most restaurants, I like the starter menu better anyway.
So - if I order two starters of what I wanted, I'm generally not inclined to share them. If it's something absolutely extraordinary or new and exciting, I will offer my OH a bite, but if it's something I eat on a regular basis, I won't -- he'll refuse even if I do offer, since if he wanted it, he would have ordered it himself.
On the other hand, my MIL has the most annoying habit - she insists on giving you a bite of her food, and even if you say "no, thank you" (repeatedly), she'll still dump a piece of whatever she's having onto your plate. Why? Because she "won't be able to finish it". This really irks me -- my plate is not your rubbish bin, if you "can't finish it", keep it on your own plate. So frankly, to me, people insisting on giving me their food (even after I decline politely) are worse offenders than those who want a bite of mine.
brooke29 at 11:00AM on 03/04/09
It took me years to allow a "bite" off my plate or take one off another, and now I'll only share with my wife. Haven't you seen the videos of how much spittle and other germs fly out of peoples mouth when they speak/cough/etc. I figure I've got all my wifes germs. I'm a germaphobe when it comes to other people, I know that all the servers/cooks handle the food already but I can get past that. Same problem with potlucks and people I don't know, freaks me out to think whether or not they have good kitchen hygiene and whether or not they wash their hands before mixing items by hand meatloaf/hamburgers/whatever. While I'm on this rant, how about restaurants that have unwrapped mints or such at the hostess station?
We call these URINE mints because most people seem to get them after dinner, after they use the bathroom and a lot of people still don't wash hands in public, especially kids. Urine on your hands=urine in the mint jar.
I know, I know, I'm a freak.
smokey07 at 11:07AM on 03/04/09
It really does just depend on the person. I personally don't mind if someone wants a bite of something I've ordered...in fact, if whatever I've ordered is unbelievably delicious or perhaps something the other person has never tried, I encourage them to do so. But I think the operative word here is "encourage." I would never force somebody to try anything. And I also would never ask to try something of someone else's...except for maybe a family member or a really close friend, and only those who I know would be okay with it. Some of my friends and I will all purposely order different dishes, and then not only trade bites, but eat half our own plate and then swap with the other person (again, only somebody I know REALLY well). But I certainly do not expect everybody to feel as I do, and if they don't, they have every right not to and there's nothing wrong with that. It's simply a matter of being polite, respectful, and showing some class.
kimberlymac at 11:18AM on 03/04/09
Reminds me of the Friends episode where Joey goes on a date and is incensed that his date takes a few fries off his plate while they are eating. "Joey DOESN'T share food!" - lol
Sometimes I do like to try a bite if the people I am dining with have ordered something particularly intriguing, but I hate being disappointed if their meal tastes better than mine. And I really like to eat, so call it stingy or greedy, I don't like to share either, haha!
erinlovestoeat at 11:27AM on 03/04/09
@erinlovestoeat: On that note about Joey, I am in his camp. I *do not* share food. No one in my family does. Not at home, nor in restaurants, nor anywhere else. That's a really good way to lose a limb or at least an appendage, if you are fast enough to move the rest of the arm away. Even within "family-style" restaurants, like Buca di Beppo, we each have our own share, and that's it. No futher separation occurs. I know, I know...but it's just the way that we are and I am okay with that. Like @Lorenzo said, if I wanted that, I would have ordered that in the first place.
Traveller at 11:33AM on 03/04/09
If I ordered something, I ordered it because it sounded better than whatever you ordered, so I'd rather not share, so I'll never offer on my own. That said, if someone offers me a bite of their food and it looks decent enough to try, I'll generally offer them a bite of mine to be polite. If it doesn't look like something I'd want to eat, I'll give them a "No thanks, I'm enjoying my own meal" or something to that effect, and then I'll go right back to eating my own food...sometimes with an offer for them to try mine and sometimes not, depending on how hungry I am. Not a germ thing, because if someone states that they're full and offers their leftovers to me I'll usually take them (assuming they look good), but more of me wanting to eat my own food.
And @brooke, I've had people do that to me too. If I already refused it, I'll put it right back on their plate with a reminder that I had stated I didn't want it. Might be rude, but they already disrespected my request.
cycorider at 11:41AM on 03/04/09
Thanks, everyone for the comments. I should have added that I often offer bites, but if I don't...Also, has this ever happened to you? My MIL, whom I adore, often only orders a salad or app., stating that she is not very hungry. Then when all the food comes, just stares at your plate, drooling!!LOL We all end up giving her portions of ours, in the form of bites, "just so she can try it" (her words), then ends up eating more than all of us!!! Gotta love her!!
Karencooks at 11:46AM on 03/04/09
OK, after deciding I was in the "don't care to share" camp, I started thinking about why. I am simply obsessed about my food. I admit it. WAY too obsessed, I think!
When I am served a dish, I tackle it as an experience, with a beginning, middle and end. First, I dive right in. Then, with subsequent bites I will explore the nuances of the different parts of the dish, be it with the side, without the sauce, before/after a sip of wine, etc. I "size up" the portions on the plate and mentally decide what the next bite will be, always saving the best for last. The end will be the crowning glory (if it has one) of the meal: that last, perfectly marbled piece of steak, the crispy piece of skin atop a moist piece of chicken, or that last, perfect french fry, wiped in the "burger goo" at the bottom of the basket.
Yeah, I'm weird.
So, my process leaves little room for sharing, unless you catch me somewhere in the middle. And if I like you. And if I think you'll like it!
hungryinhouston at 11:54AM on 03/04/09
Unless the bite taker is going to take a significant portion of your meal, I don't think it's such a big deal. I'll humor the bite taker, but I prefer to eat my own food and rarely offer up my food. I guess if you really don't want someone to partake, you can say that you're sick and don't want to spread your germs, hoping that they'll get the hint.
@brooke29, my mom has the same habit of giving away her food. By the time she's redistributed her food, there's barely anything left on her plate. I just wish she could enjoy herself at restaurants more.
runnereater at 12:17PM on 03/04/09
If it helps, I've seen Miss Manners address this and she is against sharing bites. I've seen some people joke it off "You know I'm like Joey!" I only share w/my husband. I usually try to get him to order something I want to try anyway. If the portion is really big, I don't mind sharing because I'm not going to eat the whole thing anyway. But, I offer right away. Once the utensil has been in either or our mouths, no way.
twosavoie at 12:30PM on 03/04/09
If I do not offer then you don't get any. Also you could lose a finger because I stab people with forks. We don't dabble in plate sharing often.
If you want to try it order it. I however am a total hypocrite and will use my fork on my husband's plate. Do what I say and not as I do.
JerzeeTomato at 12:41PM on 03/04/09
I'd have to say, I will only accept someone else's food when that person has not eaten through their dish AND with their silverware yet. I mentioned in another similar post that I wouldn't drink from the same cup as my mother.
I'll share my food, usually half of it, after all is said and done, with anyone else at the table -- close family or very close friends only. I won't share anything once I've used my utensils or eaten my food. I won't touch food someone else gives me once their dish/utensils are...soiled.
The only exception is my husband. We always share before we start our platters, but I'll grab from his plate without asking later in the meal, and he does the same.
Cassaendra at 12:52PM on 03/04/09
I'm usually pretty flexible but for some reason there are two situations that make me livid. One is when someone makes fun of what I'm eating because it's healthy/too small a portion (usually someone who has fast food or a microwaved meal) and then asks to try what I've fixed for myself and takes a HUGE bite.
The second is the 'dieting companion' yet again who orders a tiny portion and then proceeds to eat half of what I eat. This isn't applicable to me, because I don't eat meat, but once I went to a party where a guy was grilling chicken wings and his girlfriend's best friend nibbled all of them, and when he yelled at her she said because everyone knew each other so well, they wouldn't mind the bite marks and she couldn't eat a whole wing. WTF?
HeartofGlass at 12:53PM on 03/04/09
Depends. If I offer, which I often do, then no, I have no problem with it. If I don't offer, shouldn't that mean that I don't want to share? I mean I would never ask someone who didn't offer if I could have some of their food. I
chisai at 1:12PM on 03/04/09
haha @ Jerzee. Double standards are allowed in food.
I offer bites but don't steal from others' plates...unless there are fries involved and only if my dining partner is a relative or very close friend who knows me well and isn't afraid to stab me if offended.
AuntJone at 1:16PM on 03/04/09
Most of my dining-out buddies and I are in the 'share' camp. I don't have much issue sharing bites with people and receiving them in return. In fact some friends and I have a yearly outing in which 5-15 of us go out to a very interesting place, and we often just pass the plates around the table. Does not bother me a bit.
I am bugged by people who insist on sharing if I don't want any, particularly people who keep insisting I try a meat dish they KNOW I don't eat and go so far as to plop the bite on my plate against all protests. I sure don't force my food on anyone.
And yes, those darn girls who order a tiny dinner salad and then ask for bites from everyone...um, nope. That actually angers me.
I am less inclined to share bites of a sandwich/other hand-held food, unless cut with a knife, with people I don't know extremely well though.
Was anyone else bugged by people in high school who would come up and ask for a drink of your pop/other drink? The ones who were only sorta friends, and never bought their own? I never minded with close friends or family, but those girls bugged me to death. If you refused, they got huffy, even if you claimed a cold. I am more picky about a shared drink than a bite of food.
sadiepix at 3:05PM on 03/04/09
oh my. my husband shares your views, so much so that our wireless is named DontEatMyFood. i say between husband and wife, everything is game help yourself to my plate and i'll help myself to yours. between friends the polite thing to do is ask, and when being asked to politely decline if you feel so strongly. the husband still doesn't see things my way, but we've decided to take the friends route and ask each other for bites, and no he's not allowed to say no, it's simply a courtesy.
savuryandsweet at 3:16PM on 03/04/09
Put me in the share a bite group! My boyfriend and I are budding foodies, and when we go out to eat, we rely on each others help to dissect our dishes and validate our opinions (Is it too salty? Is that sage?) etc. Second bites are a whole 'nother story though...
annabanannas at 5:04PM on 03/04/09
It depends on the situation. If I'm at a new restaurant with DH and I need to write a review of the place, it's nice if we order different things and I can sample his.
If someone asks, I'll oblige. If we're foodies and we're trying a new place and everyone's interested in everyone's dishes, I don't mind the sampling, because that could very well be the point of the outing. But if we're just out for dinner at a regular place, I'd rather not. And particularly not if it's a local place that I'll be back to again. If someone orders something that looks good, I can get it the next time.
If I order something that's on the special menu at one of our regular places, I might offer DH a taste to see if he'd like it if I made something similar. Or if we both get the specials we might, or might not, sample. It depends on what it is. I'm more likely to be interested if there's an interesting sauce, or maybe if it's a fish I'm not familiar with.
The things that irk me are: the person who doesn't want to eat all of their food and they plop a huge portion on my plate, unasked. No, I don't want to eat half your dinner.
One time I had ordered a milkshake and it came with a garnish of whipped cream. Another person at the table swooped in and scooped up the whipped cream. ALL of it.
Another time, DH and I were dining with another couple. We always get separate checks because DH and I will have a drink or two, and they drink water. An even split would be unfair. So one time I ordered a dessert, and it arrived with 4 forks. The other couple each grabbed a fork and dived in. WTF? Order your own damned dessert. I saved room for dessert because I knew I was going to order it. I wanted the whole dessert, not a quarter of it. I pushed it toward them and flagged down the waiter and ordered another.
dbcurrie at 6:58PM on 03/04/09
It sucks when servers assume.
Did the dessert go on their ticket?
Cassaendra at 7:46PM on 03/04/09
i'm totally with you, Karen. I HATE when people want bites of my food, unless (as others have stated), sharing or splitting is discussed beforehand. I ordered what I ordered because I want it.
I also can't BELIEVE your mother-in-law! I'd flip!
anniedra at 12:53PM on 03/05/09
I don't mind sharing, but only if the plate is divided up before dining begins. I will not drink out of someone's water bottle, cup or straw and will not eat food if it is from someone's plate after the fact. Just a quirk of mine!
floridayaya at 7:05PM on 03/05/09
I like sharing (just a bite or two though!) because it allows you to try something else delicious that the chef prepared. Even if you wouldn't have ordered that particular dish it's worth the experience- which is what dining out is about right? But I usually only do this with people I'm really close to who share my curiosity and appreciation for trying different stuff!
oregonpinot at 7:22PM on 03/05/09
I always offer. I like sharing bites. But I also never reach over to someone else's plate unless it's my husband's and even then, I ask first and really mean it. I hope to try bites of my dining companions' dishes, as well. Most of my friends are like-minded, thank goodness.
JustNancy at 7:53PM on 03/05/09
Unless you want a permanent scar of 4 dots that look suspiciously like a fork could fit into them....dont even go near my plate.
CATERPILLARGIRL at 11:35AM on 03/06/09
A lot of good stuff said here. The parents and in-laws above who ask for bites or force bites are smashing through personal boundaries, plain and simple. I, for one, will not tolerate it.
It is with great glee that I order oysters or steak tartare when dining with my mother, a notorious "taster," because she just can't stand either!
On the other hand, my wife and I treat a very close friend to lunch once a week -- we try a different fine restaurant in NYC each week and intentionally over-order. We share freely and share the doggie bags that inevitably result. That's what being a foodie is all about.
shaogo at 1:55PM on 03/06/09
I'm a very proactive sharer, and I love to trade bites. However, what I can't stand is when someone expects you to eat a bite off of their fork that has been in their mouth and is coated with their skeevy germs, and/or eat off of your fork. I've had people want to do this when they were sniffling and snorting with bad colds, as well as a friend of a friend (a total stranger) with a gigantic cold sore grab at my fork. In a case like this, I politely ask if I can cut off a little bite.
MMinNYC at 2:41PM on 03/06/09
It depends what it is... if it's something like shrimp scampi where I only have like 6 precious shrimps hands off, otherwise I'm happy to share.
Karee at 11:30PM on 03/06/09
I like to offer bites, but it has always bugged me that as long as DH and I have been together (10 years now) he will take the fork from my hand and taste rather than letting me feed him. Bugs the hell out of me.
Peony at 2:20PM on 03/09/09