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Does she work? As much or more than you? Kids? 1? 3? more?

My neighbor across the street who we used to call Bebe La Strange (because man was she ever) asked her husband to redo her kitchen to look like mine. He laughed and said why you never go in there.
She never cooked much for her husband. She did not work nor did they have kids. She did not clean, merry maids came there once a week.
The husband aka hungry guy, worked his hind end off. When he came home she would often drive to subway and pick him up a sub.

Once I saw her out grilling and I ran over to see if she was really cooking something. She had on the enormous 6 burner weber grill 1 chicken breast with salt and pepper on it. I offered to teach her to cook because it was so obvious she could not. She refused any help and said she did not get a big jolt out of it like I did.

At thanksgiving I asked what she was going to make and she said I ordered it from the grocery store.
They ate out a fair amount and the husband was quite frustrated about the fact that she did not feel the need to make him a meal. I felt bad for the guy. So I invited them over for New Year's day. Huge mistake, he took it as an opportunity to badger her about her lack of cooking and she got mad and never was the same with me again. At the time I was working and he was impressed I had made all the desserts and cooked the meal. But she was not. She said to me later it is no damn big deal, I don't know why you people insist on carrying on about food.

That was 4 years ago. She is divorced today. Seems hungry guy found someone who made him some food. I thought it was a real shame she did not make an effort to take care of her husband. If a man works you should feed him. Why would you not?

I suppose it changes when you're married, which I've never been. I have a boyfriend, he can't cook. I do all of the cooking and I take great joy and pride in making things from scratch and listening to him ooh and ahh about everything that I make. We've had conversations where I've hinted that it can't ALWAYS be this way. We're doing the long distance thing and I work from home, so it's great for now. I love cooking for him when we spend time together, but I don't know if I'll want to cook elaborate meals every day of the week JUST because I work from home. Working from home is still that- work.

I've never had a man cook a meal for me. The closest it's ever come is when my boyfriend made me a cup of coffee.

Maybe they're divorced because he thought it was okay to insult her in front of the neighbors.

My husband can kind of cook. What he's really great at is eggs, which are quite tricky in all actuality. He spent quite a few younger years as a grill cook in a diner, that served breakfast at all times, so he has that nailed. Otherwise, if I gave him a recipe, he could do it. He can cook a steak quite well, and sautee some shrooms to go along with it, but can not cook chicken without it being really dry or undercooked. No baking skills what so ever. He can be a great assistant, although my 10 year old son is taking an interest in being my prep cook. The kid loves to peel potatoes. To the amazement of our neighbors, hands down I'm the one who rules the roost on the grill in a neighborhood where guys rule the grill. So, chances are, I'll eat his eggs and maybe some pasta or some soup he's reheated, but not anything else.

IMHO, it sounds like their problems stretched way beyond the kitchen.

My situation is like PumpkimBear's, I cook indoors, and he cooks outdoors, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love it, he loves it, so it works well for us. I kid him a lot that if he "brings home the bacon, I'll fry it up in the pan"! I do work from home part time, catering, which also kills two birds with one stone on those days. On days that I want him to cook out, I make sure I have everything ready for him...meat marinated, veggies prepped, etc. Works for me, and him!!

I have a wonderful friend who has almost never, in 30 years of a fabulous marriage, cooked for her husband. She says there are two kinds of wives, "kitchen wives" and "bedroom wives." She is not a kitchen wife. And yet, he is still a very, very happy man. Go figure!

@Karencooks - that's exactly the words my husband used when we made the decision for me to stop working 4 years ago! And he took me to pick out a really nice set of pans :-)

He works really, really hard (10-12 hours a day at the office and about 4 more from home) but loves his job. He can cook; in fact he makes better scrambled eggs than I do, and an amazing sauteed chicken thing. I've made it my mission in those 4 years to become as good at cooking as he is at software engineering - I'll probably never make it; but it's what I'm best at so it's my way of thanking him for what he does to support us.

JerzeeTomato - That's a great story! I love to cook and certainly cook a heck of a lot better than my husband. We have one small child and I do not work. I feel it is part of my duty to cook for him and I don't think that's a sexist comment at all. I cannot understand people who don't know how to cook or don't want to. We all have to eat and as much as it's nice to eat out it can get old and expensive! If a spouse is not working outside the home then one would think they would make an effort to do their share inside the home! I figure that we spend at least 1/3 of our day either eating or planning/prepping meals so why shouldn't it be important? I still cannot fathom the fact that some people just can't cook...even with years of practice. What's so complicated????

One more thing....I like to think I'm BOTH a Kitchen Wife AND a Bedroom Wife!! LOL

I am a chef so there is no question who cooks here, my OH can cook but I really don't give him a chance. For a long time I had a terrible habbit asking him when he was finished with dinner if he had enough, and if he liked it. He said something about that so now I don't ask. I cook such a wide variety of foods I just want to know if when I try something new, does it taste good.

I can only sympathize with everyone who goes out of their way to avoid their spouse's cooking as I am in that camp! When we first got together and were both working full-time, we used to take it in turns to cook and I would dread it not so much because he is a bad cook but because he is a 'meat and potatoes with loads of cream and butter' kind of man and I am the opposite! He is British, I am SouthAmerican and I love fresh, healthy, Mediterranean food as well as anything exotic...he eats baked beans, melted cheddar and white bread every day for lunch and would happily have something equally unadventurous for dinner if left to his own devices and I would be 20 kg heavier. At the moment, I am not working so I relish this opportunity to take the 'duty' of cooking (which to me is utter pleasure anyway) and make whatever I want, adding some 'extras' to his meals sometimes in order to satisfy his needs.
I do get frustrated sometimes when he praises the boring, quick dishes I make occasionally when I'm tired (like a pasta dish or casserole) and couldn't care less about something different, time-consuming and, in my opinion, delicious I've made an effort to prepare...but I'm used to it and the fact that in the UK the food culture is pretty awful so we both try to find a middle ground and it normally works ok.

I second the improve the diet goal! My son and i always pack her lunch with nutricious feedstuff - feels like this is a team game.

As for the "bedroom wife" - maybe that is why we have oysters and a jug 'o wine every Friday!

I have been happily married for 40 years and my husband never cooked. He is a professional (now retired) guy with plenty of skills, having grown up on a farm where one learns to be self reliant - he can put his hand to absolutely anything . . . except cooking. He came from a European background in which the woman took care of the kitchen, but I don't even think it was that - I have said before he only eats to survive, he has no real interest in food, other than to replenish his body and he certainly has no interest in talking about food - that being said, he enjoys his meals and I can give him anything (usually it is a well thought out delicious meal) but he doesn't gripe at left overs, sandwiches or soup and is so easy to please. I think his distancing himself from food and cooking is a "learned helplessness" as he is uncomfortable in those surroundings. It doesn't bother me at all - he is a loving, loyal and wonderful man and makes up for his lack of cooking skills in a hundred different ways. Vive la difference!

I am definitely the lead in the kitchen at our house (left to his own devices, hub would eat Stouffer's Saturated Fats and Cheese 3X day). However, when we were dating, I didn't even know what I kitchen was for. He cooked for me once or twice a week. Now that I'm all into playing in the kitchen, I take great care to create menus each week, and I do it with enthusiasm. I only wish he ate what I make with such enthusiasm. Aside from said crap and cheese, he truly uses food for fuel. So there's definitely not a latent foodie laying within him somewhere. But it still would be nice to know if he enjoyed something - or didn't - more regularly. Makes me worried every meal without any unsolicited comment is not good.

He is a semi-picky eater, and I have an elephant's memory, so every time he says he has enjoyed something I catalog that for future reference (i.e. last night - jicama will no longer be any of his plates!). So it would behoove him to be honest. I've told him just that, yet quite often I still am unsure if he truly likes something.

It's not wrong to not want to eat your spouse's cooking, if its not good, but it might serve you well to have a little faith and give them credit where its due. Growing up, my mom did almost all the cooking, with my dad pitching in 1 or 2 times a week with one of the 5 or so dishes he knew how to make. When my mom returned to work full time when I was in high school, she announced her "retirement" from the kitchen. For several months, I mostly ate at friends houses. However, we learned to tell him (nicely) when we didn't like a dish, and to give the highest praises to anything that turned out well. The positive reinforcement seems to have worked- my dad is now a pretty great cook and even makes his own yogurt, bread and granola. So for some of you stuck doing all the cooking, there may be light at the end of the tunnel after all:)

@ mince: How funny to think that a man who enjoys his bedroom wife is obviously not being faithful! Methinks there is more to the story--your story I mean. ;) He is deliriously happy with his choice to have a bedroom and not a kitchen wife.

Neither me nor my partner cooks, so we eat about 98% of our meals out. We do love to enjoy looking at food porn together, however. (I hope he's not sneaking around on me looking at Robyn Lee's site all by himself!! :)

It could be worse. My EX was not only a bad cook but all we ate was chicken, shrimp, ham and vegetarian spaghetti. I am a very good cook but when I cooked she told me how. There were also standing orders not to use garlic or onions. If I dared to bring home a curry or Thai after a late night at the office it resulted in endless gags and coughing and gestures with fingers being thrust down her throat.

I'm single now and have put on quite a bit of weight. My doctor doesn't understand why my blood pressure has gone down.

i think of myself as both women. and my kitchen is a all purpose room. especially if bacon is involved. the only time i wear an apron. never cook bacon naked is good advise.

Sheesh.

To me the question is:"should the person (MALE OR FEMALE) who likes/is better at cooking take up more or most of the responsibility for cooking every night.

I think it's fine if one person MALE OR FEMALE takes on more responsibility for cooking, provided that the less 'food-conscious person' 1. Respects the other person's talent and energy in the kitchen and 2. Can if need be (other person works late, is away) 'forage' for him or herself if only to make toast, eggs, and fruit or grab a rotisserie chicken and a salad.

All of this virgin/whore kitchen/bedroom nonsense makes me want to stick my head in a bucket of ice water. Does anyone say 'oh, he's a kitchen guy, not a bedroom guy?'

Again, I think it's fine, provided the relationship is based on respect,if one person does most of the cooking, but I admit I do hate men of a 'certain age' who act as though their masculine credentials will be taken away if they make a cheese sandwich, and will wait until their wives get home to be 'fed.'

@HeartofGlass: Well put. This is the 21st century. Mr. Mom exists! And perhaps more now than ever because many husbands are jobless. Regardless of which spouse has more skills in the kitchen or the boudoir, the most important thing is that the marriage is cookin' overall. I'm no expert, but there appears to be more to love and marriage than just rigid roles, control, sex and eating. Friendship and OTHER shared hobbies exist, too, right?

@jcrisco: Cooking is a great way to unwind. Hobbies that are both practical and creative are quite a blessing. Also, don't lose hope. Mr. jcrisco might get better at cooking! This year, Mr. Sus started cooking a lot more and made a spectacular Valentine's Day meal for us.

@bierebeer. this was pretty much on topic for most of us. if izzy was here, then, well.

I love to cook. I'm an 'academic' by day, but to get your hands in and prepare a meal is such a treat. 'Look! I made this! It's tangible, and it is finished!' You don't get that when you think about theoretical syntax all day.

My wife was raised to believe that ingredients were an evil extravagance. Her lasagna consists of two layers of noodles with a bare modicum of cheese and sauce. But she is brilliant at washing up (which I hate doing).

So I cook, she cleans. It works fine, and we're both happy. She didn't know or like food for ages...she'd never had a mushroom, a raisin or rice before we met. But we both seem to be happy with the arrangement. She's learning to bake by trial and error, and is now turning out some nice scones and some lovely carrot cake. In exchange, I take care of the rubbish and the recycling.

In any case, as she is the most beautiful, fun and clever woman in the history of time, I can forgive her poor lasagna.

@dmarina - sounds like classic passive-aggressive to me. I'd be pissed.

When I met my partner nearly 11 years ago, she did the cooking and I did the cleaning. She is a pretty bad cook ("I like to make concoctions," is something that came out of her mouth pretty regularly,) and I am a pretty bad cleaner. Now, I do all the cooking and she does all the cleaning. People eat really well in our house, and the house looks pretty good.
Whatever works...

@blankplate; I'm developing a theory of a two-stage process of parallel grammaticalization and lexicalization, as it relates to a distributed connectivist bifurcated lexicon, which hopefully will be not hated (if not loved) by minimalists, DMers, and cognitive linguists. It's so painfully dull, I'm not allowed to speak of it at home. What do you do?

@blankplate; I only know a little Spanish, but once made the mistake of asking a child 'Quanto anos tienos?' without the nasalisation. The laughter was raucous.

@cybercita, if only there was a way to transport said book back to the 1950's when wives needed handbooks.

I love to cook, but it is most fun to cook with my wife. Our time in the kitchen together is fun and draws us closer together. We take turns being the lead cook so we don't get in each others way. Each of us likes to pick out recipes to make together.

When my wife and I got married 15 years ago, we made an agreement that I would do all the cooking and she would clean up after me. We still both think we got the best end of the deal.

Just ask her!! No matter how long you have been married, no one is a mind reader. Maybe she thinks nothing is wrong. Key to a long and happy marriage: COMMUNICATION!!!

We have been married very happily for 25 years and I don't work full time, so I do most everything around the house. I think that's fair as hubby works full time (and sometimes evenings and weekends too!) However, my husband burns himself making toast, so it's probably for the best anyways! Besides, I enjoy cooking and REALLY REALLY love not working in an office anymore.

@Pumpkinbear - have you read "Why Men Love Bitches" and the follow-up, "Why Men Marry Bitches"?

@JerzeeTomato - I should not have liked to have a neighbour like you to point out my flaws in the culinary department - not at all neighbourly!

@ibchefft - Wow, wish I were married to you! So glad you allow "this woman" to "protect her femininity"!

Yes brooke29 it is a two way street, see she use to cook, but only what she wanted, spiced the way she wanted, and I had no choice it was eat or starve. SO now that I cook, the ship still floats the same way, except I am cooking, she doesn't complain, she has her junk food she would rather eat than my cooking, thats her choice, not mine, it has nothing to do with control, or being self centered, but both of us being independent for many years. I use to try to cook for her, but it was always the same, I end up throwing it out,because it has to much spice for her and no where enough for me, so rather than waste food, I started cooking stuff I like to cook, she does eat some of it, but the majority she wrinkles her nose up at.So before you judge us, you need to know how we are.