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What shocks me the most is not that someone can't cook well or does not care too, or that someone would actually invite guests if they can not/do not like to cook; what shocks me the most is the INSANE combination of foods: ham, enchiladas, ramen salad, jello, and potato salad. How do you choose those things to serve together??!!??

oh....my....god....

And I thought my ex-MIL was the worst cook ever created. She was really big on anything Jello-related and was Catholic, so I'm not sure if the religeous denomination has anything to do with the JelloLove fixation. She also owned stock in the Campbell Soup Co., I swear. Her pantry was row after row of Cream of Anything soups! She put it on chicken, pot roast, you name it. Unfortunately, I didn't have a choice in going to the MIL's - it was a command performance after church every other Sunday. I just picked at the few things that were edible and lost a few lbs.! LOL!!!

You poor thing. It makes you just want to feed your sweetie just the best you can possibly cook up, doesn't it?

Wow. just....wow.

My aunt is a horrible cook. She hosted Thanksgiving and the meal was so bad that my mom redid Thanksgiving on New Year's Day. Unfortunately, as with your future MIL, I have to continue visiting my aunt. My only advice is to eat something first and not take large portions.

MIL would make Bittman look extravagent in his use of ingredients. She doesn't even use salt and pepper, so if there's any hint of seasoning, you know it came "in the package."

She doesn't cook her bone-in hams, she just nukes them to warm and then dumps maple pancake syrup. I've seen a similar ramen-nut salad, but it also included chopped cabbage.

She'd never even attempt anything with as many ingredients as an enchilada, so you win there.

She'll serve Rice-a-Roni sometimes, and I usually look forward to that because it has flavor. Last time she made it, it was crunchy.

And I always bring home made bread or rolls. And sometime I also bring butter because hers isn't butter, it's a mixture of margarine and corn syrup.

Last strange dessert was a green puddinglike substance that was way too sweet, layered with cool whip and topped with some sort of crumbled substance that I couldn't identify.

And lately, she's been cutting back on the portions she serves, particularly with stuff she wants to have left over. If I bring rolls, it will always be more than a dozen, but she'll put out 5 of them for 4 people. So everyone gets one and then we're all eyeing each other to see who gets the last one. She will never mention that there are more rolls -- or anything else except what she's put on the table.

Last time I was there, I brought a cake. I cut slices for everyone and she whisked the cake off the table in the blink of an eye. It was gone so fast, I didn't even see her doing it. The meaning was clear. No one was getting seconds. Before we left, she asked if I wanted a slice of my cake to take home.

Former MIL's Chicken Divan:
(from the bottom up, in layers:)
--Frozen skinless and boneless chicken breasts
--broccoli "trees", also frozen
--Inch-thick layer of miracle whip
American Cheese slices to cover.

Do not defrost anything. Shove it all in the over an 350% until people start asking what's for dinner. Serves with extreme anxiety, decorate with comments about how "unprepared" you were for company (even if it is Thanksgiving and you sent out your invitations in September). Figure out some reason (it's raining, the dog has allergies, you didn't realize new Daughter in Law would wear trousers instead of a dress) why dinner is crap.

O.M.G.

I have no words. Especially for the nut/ramen salad. WTF is that?

I sure am glad all I have to complain about is my MIL being allergic to all kinds of peppers. Lucky me!

If you know that you are going some where , you can always offer to bring something.

Funny story, my sister in law invited a bunch of family over for some holiday meal, her husband spent time outside burning chicken tips, and then using the same tongs that handled raw chicken, to cook the steak tips . After seeing this, I went inside and quietly whispered in my wife's ear not to eat the beef. Surprisingly, nobody got sick, but after that, when ever my wife's sister was inviting family over for holiday meals, I have done the "what would you like me to make?" thing, and in most cases, I wind up cooking the entire meal and everyone in the family is healthy and happy. Of course this is not the ultimate solution for most people, but considering that I used to cook professionally, it works out and again, the family is happy.

Alan

@ dbcurrie: Yes! There was cabbage! It's not the worst thing I've ever eaten, but who would combine all of that into a salad?

@ aholsber: I always offer to bring something and am denied. Besides not being a good cook, my future MIL is kind of a b****. And I'm being nice by saying "kind of". Seriously.

@annien: That....is just horrible.

@ frederikia: I just said that about Mormons and Jello because Jello is the state "food" of Utah...seriously, Mormons dig their Jello.

The fiance says that she makes great goulash and beef stroganoff, which I am so open to trying, but she never makes them. Hm.

And I thought pink chicken and a squeeze bottle of liquid margarine were bad. You have my deepest sympathy.

Seriously, you need to consider shopping for a new man with a mother who respects food - maybe look in a different zip code @lo82070? You'll be stuck with her and special occasions at the very least, for better or worse, in sickness and in DEATH. Is he worth it?

Catholic Jell-o.......that would be so funny if it weren't kinda true. ;-)

My MIL is British, and meals at their place are always interesting. She was raised (as was my wife) to be austere in all things. So the menu the last time was sliced store-brand sausage, cooked hard, mixed with cabbage and carrots into a big pile.

My wife (whom I love dearly) doesn't understand that ingredients aren't made of gold, and so makes lasagna with two layers of noodles and a small sneeze of cheese. We came to an arrangement; I cook, and she does the dishes. And when her parents want to meet up, I say 'Why don't we go out? My treat!' The last bit is essential.

That said, people can surprise you. My MIL brings a delicious, gooey chocolate cake every Christmas. She bakes fantastic bread. And they appreciate good food, even if they don't cook it all the time. I cooked a beef fillet from our local farm shop last time they were over, and they couldn't have been more generous in their compliments. People like what they like, and cook what they like, and for love and family I will always make an exception for the occasional oddity or inedible dish.

My mother's signature dish when I was growing up was chicken baked with canned sliced peaches over rice. Nothing else. Not even salt or pepper. Just chicken, peaches and rice. So who am I to criticise?

What scares me at relatives' houses is not the gross food so much as the biohazards. I find that being a vegetarian does help with this to some extent, as I avoid the frozen beef from 1984 or the smoked salmon from 1992. But the very presence of such things makes it a little terrifying to consume anything at all--and then when I'm hardly eating, there's the inevitable conversation about how I'm so scrawny and need to eat more. I never have the heart to say I'd just rather not get food poisoning.

Yeah... my MIL is a cooking biohazard. She's actually a great cook - considering she is overcoming an old-school Polish cooking family - which to them meant boiling things to death then salting them within an inch of their lives.
What she does, however, is use ingredients in her pantry that date back to late 80's, early 90's. Every time I am there, I try to throw a few things away (including medicine) that is more than 5 years out of date.
Now that I have a daughter, she's almost 3, I watch everything that woman uses in the kitchen like a HAWK.

Ha, Ha, I have just finished reading this thread and it has been a most interesting and entertaining time - I have been laughing out loud. I have many similar horror stories which I unfortunately posted on another thread a couple of weeks ago. I just wanted to second @prunesaregood - I honestly do think that many North Americans DO cook by using a long list of processed food short cuts (in the 50's-60's when I was growing up, I remember my British mother yelling back to the TV at Kraft commercials that gave out tons of "time saving tips" - needless to say, her remarks were all derisive!) Then I would stay for dinner at a friends house and be served those very same recipes (never told Mom, though!) I do think things are changing - people are going back to scratch recipes and showing interest in ethnic dishes and wholesome foods. BTW - that ramen salad has also been set loose up here in Canada - it is served with chinese cabbage, raw ramen, plus the "flavor pack", nuts and a dressing (bottled, of course!)

So, I met the bf's 30 family members for the first time at a holiday gathering this past year. Out of a 30-person potluck, there was one edible item that I couldn't completely identify, but it tasted safe. Everything else was either bathed in salt, sugar, was a bag of chips, or would have induced an allergic reaction, even if I wasn't allergic to it.

I see why he likes me!

First and foremost, MOVE. Take your man with you and move.

For the past 10 years I have been subjected to many a meal that I would never consider eating. Christmas "dinner" for years has been cold spiral ham, hash brown casserole, dead green beans, pasta salad, baked beans (two cans of bush's baked), store bought frozen rolls, store bought cookies. My former MIL is a wonderful woman, but this was not Christmas food.

I will admit that my family does brunch for Christmas, but it has always been outstanding.

And, for my BIL's graduation from graduate school, my grandmother wanted to serve chicken casserole ( the one with water chestnuts). When my sister and I suggested that I cook instead, she said she just did not know if it would be "good enough". For the record I fixed Chicken Cordon Blue (at the request of the BIL), fresh herb noodles, and green beans. For dessert we had an original recipe Drunken Cranberry cake with White Chocolate & walnut icing. And she wanted to serve chicken casserole. Whatever.

My husband's grandmother was a lovely woman, but she was a preacher's wife, not a cook. In her later years she ran a herd of old cattle on some of her property and when they were nearly dead of old age, she would have them butchered and put them in her freezer. The first time I was invited there, before I married, my FIL to be leaned over and whispered "don't eat the hamburger!" He always took a beef dish properly prepared, to her house and we all took some of hers and a lot of his.
I have to say that there is a lot of mean spirit in this thread. If people love you enough to cook for you, the least you can do is be gracious, although not to the point of food poisoning. Some day you will be the MIL or someone's Mother whose snarky young bride complains about your prize dish. Karma's a b***h.

@ocarol - I agree with you.....if someone takes the time to cook for you, do as you were taught....graciously thank the person for the meal, find something you can eat in it, or just push the food around, and find the nearest drive thru when you leave....and thank God that you do have people around you.
Unfortunately - my own mother included - many of our parents grew up in the depression, or at the tail end. They were taught never to waste food....thus the old food in their freezers & pantries. My mother has no sense of smell or taste any more from smoking for 50+ years....so the grey steaks in the freezer are no different to her than the red ones....luckily I don't eat at her house very often...I invite her to eat at mine instead.
Many also grew up eating very bland food, and learned to cook that way.
I always keep a couple Soy Joy bars in my purse....this way no matter where I am, or what is available to eat, I can always nourish myself.

Another adventure of my MIL, wherein she inadvertently proved the theory that a little exposure to germs can be a good thing: She was a guest for dinner at an elegant restaurant in Germany a couple of years ago where everyone in her party - probably a dozen or so people - got food poisoning. Every one of them except her. The stuff in her fridge that some might consider biohazards must have built up her resistance big time. Eighty-three years old and still standing - gotta love her.

@Chelley, I once asked about the margarine/corn syrup mixture, and she told me that it was because she didn't like hard butter. What butter has to do with margarine and corn syrup, I still don't know.

@@lo82070, I am strangely comforted to know that MIL didn't "invent" the ramen/cabbage/nuts combo.

She's a lovely woman and her cooking isn't half bad if she sticks to very basic things. Like a roast. But when it gets beyond two ingredients or she tries to do something fancy or decorative, that's when it all goes wrong.

She once told me her recipe for chicken soup and it started with boiling carrots and celery in water. I asked when the chicken came into the picture. She said that when the veggies were cooked, she would put some bits of leftover chicken into the pot. Now, keep in mind, she doesn't use salt, pepper, spices, boullion cubes, canned stock...you've basically got boiled veggies in their saltless cooking water with bits of chicken floating around.

Her "meat" gravy consists of browned/burned flour (in a screaming hot teflon pan, no less) and water. No hint of fat or meat, just flour and water. After it has thickened, she takes bits of whatever meat is being served -- you know, those odd little bits that fall off in tiny shreds when you're carving -- and she floats that on top of the gravy-looking substance. The interesting thing is that this gravy is absolutely flavorless. It doesn't taste like flour, even. It's just thick brown nothingness.

My boyfriend's family is similar -- they cook everything from mixes and packages, with tons of sugar and salt and no other seasoning. Luckily, they're so terrified of me for being vegetarian that they don't try to cook for me, just load up on produce and let me raid the fridge.

Of course, if the relationship progresses, we may have to find a better long-term solution...

Paula Deen has made the ramen noodle salad...

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/chinese-salad-recipe/index.html

shocking, I know lol

seriously, the ramen salad needs to STOP! first of all, way to take a perfectly good salad and make it both gross and toxic. i'm really not sure anything with ramen in it can properly be called a salad. i lived with a bunch of other grad students last year and ramen salad was frequently served. um, no thanks, i like my salad fresh instead of deep-fried.

@sailordave-what is this new place that your working at?

@pjracz- look up skillet street food on the intertubes...i'd post a link but my only web access is thru my phone so web magic is difficult..

@lamora the green jellow salad? It's my father's favourite. I learned to make it so I can make it next time he comes for dinner. Luckily my parents can cook. My Mother in Law is an okay cook. If she's cooking for only a few people. It's bland and simple but it's okay.

@Pointy - funny you should say so, because this is exactly how I feel about my MIL's cooking.

She has the same menu for every holiday, consisting of:

* very brown chicken soup (cooked in a pressure cooker, and always tasting more like celery than chicken)
* jarred gefilte fish (the only edible thing on the table)
* the now famous pineapple chicken (chicken pieces, a tin of pineapple chunks, a bottle of generic bbq sauce, all mixed up and baked until the chicken reaches the colour and the consistency of a cobblestone)

Occasionally, a whole roasted chicken (yes, in addition to the above-mentioned pineapple disaster; same colour and consistency when cut) and/or extremely watery coleslaw and/or salmon salad (tinned salmon, bones never removed, yellow onion, mayo) make an appearance as well. No sides, ever. Because "there's so much food!", so who needs sides. No, seriously. Oh, and my SIL usually brings green salad.

The worst thing of all though? Is that my MIL makes sure she lets everyone invited know how she does not care how everything tastes, repeating her "I don't care how my food tastes, all I care about is how fast I can put it on the table" mantra. If this is the case, why do you invite people over for dinner??! It actually is insulting.

So after too many dinners like this, we've stopped going to my in-laws' house. We now make sure we either preemptively invite them over to our place, or "have plans".

@pointy- yeah, that you are unknowingly on a show called Bewitched and that your MIL is named Endora. lol.

@lamora- alot of horror stories on this thread, the jello salad yadda yadda, but yours made me have a lump in my throat. Nothing is more gross to me then to hear about the juices being with blood from ANY bird, that would be the ultimate "never again", feasting.

To the OP and especially dbcurrie - I think your stories take the cake. (or maybe I should say, jello?)

@lo82070- I think we can gather from all the responses that not only is this a hot topic, but you have many who commiserate with you. As I was reading some of the more disgusting ones to my SO last night, it struck a chord. Recalling the dining adventures that Ruth Reichl related from her mother's "culinary" (using that in the loosest of terms) repetoire, including the stomach pumping incidents, it is proof positive that you can survive. Not only survive, but come out on the other side! (ref. Comfort Me With Apples, Tender At The Bone)

I love all the stories - it certainly makes me feel a bit better to know that I'm not the only one walking the tight rope between politeness and starvation! I absolutely dread Easter, which is probably the next time we'll be over. We have invited them out to dinner several times to try to preemptively strike the need to go to their house, but sometimes it is unavoidable.

Practically anywhere in Breckenridge, CO. Especially the 9600 Grill.

@amandarama, nicely put. But have you noticed that the horror stories only happen at family meals? It's really hard to completely avoid family, but we have now solved the problem of elderly parents by showing up with ALL the food. There are a lot of us and some of us can actually cook.

I have never been invited anywhere for inedible food by friends. They can all cook!

I am so lucky! My momma was a great cook (from New York) and my (first) MIL was a wonderful little (literally) cajun woman from Louisiana. (The only thing I wouldn't eat that 1st MIL cooked was beef - it had to be like shoe leather or she wouldn't take it off the grill. Burgers, steak, didn't matter, you got shoe leather so you wouldn't get sick. The first time my then-husband had a steak that was medium rare he couldn't get over the fact that it had flavor!) In spite of the whole beef thing, I really had the best of both worlds. Delicious food and cooking lessons, too! My (now) MIL is another cajun woman - according to my husband, she cooks to eat, period. And I have to take my husband's word for this because I don't think in the last six years I've had anything she's prepared. Y'all are making me think I should count myself lucky.

My momma did have this friend in New Orleans that used to make something with canned baked beans and hot dogs. I don't know what she did to it but when she was finished "doctoring it up" it was inedible to me. Whenever we went to dinner at their house and momma found out this dish was being served she fed us before we left our house. We still had to have the "no thank-you" portion but at least we weren't starving by the time we got home.

I must admit I never heard of a ramen/nut salad. The Jello mold thing? It was everywhere.

I resent everyone making fun of the ramen noodle salad! I add some almonds, sunflower seeds and segmented oranges and it's tasty. I think I'm the only person who will defend it.

As for the rest of your meal...blech. I've never heard of chicken enchiladas being in a creamy sauce.

I am so thankful that both of my parents could cook AND bake and that I learned both from them.

@beatle9: i missed the "creamy" part of the enchilada description! I bet it is the recipe on the back of the can of El Paso (I think that's the one) enchilada sauce....If I remember correctly it calls for cream of something soup. WTF?! No wonder it was glop.

@ocarol - thanks, you know I think the reason we're less likely to hear about non-family dining horror stories is that in any group of friends the ones who cook tend to be the ones who have people over for dinner. At least, that's the way it's shaken out over time with my friends.

Non family dining horror story - BF's best friend purchased an enormous deep fat fryer. The kind you're supposed to use for large turkeys. To show it off, he decided to make deep fried chicken tenders while we were visiting. He ended up with small nuggets of charcoal. We all laughed it off and ordered Chinese. On the other hand, he's also made a really brilliant pumpkin crème brûlée to show off his new kitchen torch. It all balances.

The ramen salad really can be tasty. I make it by lightly toasting the ramen, and tossing it with napa cabbage and almonds. Of course, I make my own sesame seed oil and rice vinegar dressing, so maybe that helps?

I am COMPLETELY guilty of leaving food out after dinner and getting up the next morning to put it away. =| But only during cold months. And we never got sick...

So funny - I was reading this and I was thinking that this sounds like standard fare where I live - Utah. Lo and behold, it's a Mormon meal! Yes! I can't stand this kind of food and although I'm a devout Mormon and a student, I try to make time for cuisine that's healthier.
Having said that, Utah has its own culture just like everywhere else; when you are a guest in another culture, it's best to just take it for what it is and be polite about it. Of course, I probably need some practice in taking my own advice (in Romania I dropped a bit of moldy cheese that was served to me out the window. Thankfully I wasn't caught).

OH holy no way! That is so terrible that people have no ability to judge what you can serve and what is the crap you should eat when no one is around/ I once tossed a jello poke cake when the guest who brought it went out to get a burger. I opened the trash can dumped it in covered it with garbage and washed the plate. She came back a bit later and said oh everyone ate it and I said yea thats it. Sickening.

I'll defend the ramen salad as well. The key is you have to toast the almonds and the noodles. I also make my own dressing for it and serve it hot (sugar, white wine vinegar, soy, reduce) and usually top it with some grilled shrimp.

My ex in-laws couldn't cook to save their lives. After one night of an almost inedible brisket (they were from TX, so they assumed you're just born knowing how to cook it) I was excited for my promised breakfast of waffles, bacon, and eggs! Keep in mind that I was preggers at the time and very hungry! I woke up to them being so excited to serve me eggo's, pre cooked bacon, and egg beaters! I lived off of peanut butter crackers that trip.

I am both fascinated and repulsed by this thread.....can't.....stop....reading.....

Sounds like some of these MIL are still in the 50's-60's form of entertaining which was ment to show off all the newer convience foods and such. That being said...

My Grandma-in-law doesn't really cook. Apparently never has and doesn't like it. Thanksgiving a few years ago at her house... The turkey was just about inedible and the sides were rather icky. I knew she wanted to make it so I would be feel welcome and all, but it tasted pretty bad. I felt very fortunate to have grown up in a family where holiday meals were a big deal where all the stop were pulled for a traditional meal. No store bought gravy and instant mashed potatoes here thanks! I ate some anyway to be polite but I was pretty hungry afterwards.

We are supposed to fly out again this year for Thanksgiving. I am already planning on doing the cooking. I'm pretty sure she won't mind. :)

best...thread...ever.

dbcurrie and brooke29...I pity you guys.

my relatives for the most part are not bad cooks...although I didnt care for my stepmom's mother's ham...it was always too salty and everyone ate it with ranch dressing...bleh. My grandfather on my dad's side was a little lax about throwing food away after the exp. date too. For somereaosn he thought it was a really god idea to buy things in bulk too so we would end up eating things he brought over to "help out" like jarred 3 bean salad, for a while...

Do you live in southwest Boise by chance? That's standard fare for dinner parties around here it seems. I'm blessed that my MIL lives nearby and is somewhat of a foodie herself.

We also used to have some amazing restaurants to escape to but, alas, they are disappearing and Boise is fast becoming a culinary wasteland.

At an early age my brothers and I realized that if we were to end my mom's endless serving of a certain "ground beef assistant" we would have to take matters into our own hands. The final straw was when I saw my dad making shake and bake chicken. He tossed the chicken and the mixture around in the bag, put the chicken on the pan, and then PUT THE BAG OF MIXTURE BACK IN THE CUPBOARD FOR NEXT TIME!!! I'm not sure what compelled me to throw up more, the salmonella or seeing that travesty of kitchen ineptitude. (I can say this freely because my parent's still haven't figured out this interweb fad).

When I was about 8 years old, my parents were away and my aunt, who I love and adore, was taking care of me. At the time she was, ahem, a novice cook who decided to make fried rice for me one night for dinner. She made it by adding soy sauce to rice---- raw, uncooked white rice, that is.

We never had proper mashed potatoes growing up. My mom would boil peeled potatoes, and we each got our own half of a potato to mash up with our fork and add butter/salt. I loved it.

When we started talking about mashed potatoes we got next door, instead of figuring out how they did it, she began buying boxed potato flakes.

My significant other is a bit compulsive about how his potatoes should be made and makes gagging noises when the word instant potatoes are uttered, so he INSISTED on our first Thanksgiving with my mother that he make the potatoes.

He wasn't used to her stove and pots, so he thought they came out not up to par that time. My mother, though, talks about them to this day. She's the one that insists that he make them now.

My mother, who has a good excuse in that she is Korean and not American, has always tried to approximate what she has eaten at other American households. If she eats a dish at a place that makes it terribly, then she makes it terribly. It just took that one time of eating proper homemade potatoes to change her mind.

My suggestion for the poster is to get ballsy and insist on making at least one item. Convert the mom one dish at a time.

I will never forget the time my children begged me not to make mashed potatoes instead of their baked potato. Apparently they remembered other people's "good" mashed potatoes and wanted none of it. I had to explain real mashed potatoes was their pototoes and fixings but with me instead them doing the work. There were plenty of other instances, but this one said it all.

That's a really gross menu...I don't think I've ever been served a meal quite like that.

I think someone mentioned this already, but I saw an episode of Paula Deen's home cooking where she made that same ramen salad! I was pretty shocked - even for Paula who cooks with tons of butter and mayo, ramen salad seems way more artery clogging and unhealthy.

You are not only butting against BAD FOOD,and a (?)bad cook.Here you have someone that is clueless for,whatever reason.She has no idea what is good food,manners or hospitality.Appears to be a greasy ploy to send you on your merry way.So she can choose a different DIL.
Ask yourself what the respect afforded to a restricted diet or allergy might be.My inlaws have no interest in or respect for "real" food issues.Zero
Hospitality to them at best is shit and a shrug.The result is 5 empty houses
Don't even pretend to like each other's food etc.Oh,and a 7 pm invite for dinner is a 50/50 for on time or food at all.THEY DRINK A BIT.

I forgot the story about my husband trying so thoughtfully to make dinner for me one night that I was working late. He was making a pan fried fish of some sort when I landed home, and I asked if he needed any help. He held up an unmarked container of powdered sugar and said "Please just tell me this is flour!". It was at that point I realized I was too late to help, but to this day we laugh at the thought of sugarfish.

moral: it's awesome to come from a background of good cooks, but it can ruin us for the many "homemade" cooking experiences we'll face.

just a word of advice - I wouldn't harp on you FMIL's failings in the kitchen to your fiance/FDH too much because some of the things you may find inedible potentially bring back warm memories for him, no matter how refined his present tastes....his chuckles may evolve into mild resentment in time (that he may or may not communicate). this is his mommy after all. =0)

@Gizmosma - while I agree with you, I can also tell you that in my case, it was actually my OH who one day said that he could not eat at my in-laws' (his parents') any longer because he's not a big fan of his mother's cooking, to put it mildly. Apparently, no "warm memories" lost there:-)

Man do I feel your pain. Bless you for reminding me of how happily and wonderfully divorced I truly am. My MIL cooked up the most god awful crap I have ever been exposed to, that Ramen salad would have been manna from heaven as contrasted with her Kraft Mac and cheese with canned peas and cocktail onions mixed into it, or the Value-Pac cold cut sandwiches with Miracle Whip, American cheese and (wait for it) Thousand Island dressing soaking through the white bread. Actually, Miracle Whip seemed to be sort of a common thread in most of her offerings. We used to knock that back with some warm Kool Aid too: good times.

She was also someone who insisted on having gatherings at her fully torn back condo. I am aware that this was a control issue, but there were certainly other more viable options, like going hungry. The kitchen looked like some sort of a work in progress at all times and the refrigerator was a full on science project. Being one who tends to address such issues, I would offer little tidbits like "I have great recipe for mac and cheese I think you would enjoy" I always got the same reply "this is how we did it when I had my restaurant" wtf? I told the ex-wife that the term "had" in that statement was quite possibly divine intervention. It’s no wonder that the Pappy jousted half a bucket of Jalapeños down his gullet at every sitting. Something to cut the Miracle Whip.

You ever have a friend that drives like S but thinks they are great at it? I liken it to that; the ex-wife was totally aware that her talents lied somewhere outside of the kitchen…her mother thought she was going to be the Next Food Network Star.

Oh and clearly Jello was created as a novelty for the “Our Gang” era children or for someone currently on their death bed. It’s not good…stop with the Jello already.

When in high school I was on a month-long exchange with a family in Germany. They were very nice and the food was good overall. But one night the mom decided she wanted to serve "Californian" food and consulted an old cookbook. If I remember correctly, she took an unripe avocado and mayonnaise (both CA staples?) and mashed it up. It was served in a margarita glass and we ate it with crackers. Each person had probably 1-2 avocado and 1 cup of mayo. This was the entire meal.

My MIL has spices that are 10-25 years old in her kitchen. They have no scent left but she's keeping them for some future dishes.

My Ukrainian Bubbe's "pizza" FTW:

Crust = 2 inch thick bread dough stuffed into the bottom of an oiled cookie sheet.

Sauce = flour + oil browned in a skillet. Bottle of ketchup added. Mixture cooked until dark brown.

Cheese= brick-like substance labeled "white cheese", purchased at the local kosher equivalent of a 7-11 (probably expired).

Baked until cheese is slightly black in parts. Mmmm.

What a great thread! I am so happy to know that I am not alone in the permanent trauma left by my ex-MILs Christmas dinners. Swear to God, I still have Jell-O mold nightmares.

I offered to do the holiday cooking but MIL, who was as betchy as she was a crap cook, took my offer as a dis.

This seems so lame to add at the end of this thread...but ever taken real OJ and rum to a "party", only to have the rum come out and served with...wait for it.....TANG!!

While I can completely sympathize with you over this menu and its poor execution, I'm surprised and disappointed at your lack of sympathy or compassion. You're a food professional - HELP this woman make a great party and serve palatable recipes. It truly is in your best interest if she is soon to be an in law! You may enjoy poking fun at her choice of recipes and lack of skill in cooking, but she at least attempted to put a meal on the table for some folks. Many more snobbish foodies or restaurant go-ers won't even attempt that much. They just buy their way out of it. Try to respect her sincere desire to provide a meal for a good sized group of folks and help her to make a better outcome next time. It doesn't have to come across as condescending or like you know it all. Just give her simple ideas for a simple, make ahead menu with true ingredients and you'll all survive the next party!

@ teslaca - I am not a food professional. And seeing as this woman calls me "that slut who stole my son" whenever my back is turned, and her dinner invitations to my fiance are not "Would you like to come over for dinner" but "If you don't come over to dinner for at least three hours or you are no longer a member of this family", I feel no urge to help her in any way. I just do my duty and show up when I absolutely must.

Nah - he seriously dislikes his mother. I'm the one who encouraged him to get back in touch with her, because he wasn't speaking to her for years. Of course, this is before I met her. ;-) Thanks for the sweet sentiments PerkyMac.

@lo82070, I had a bit of a falling-out with my mother, and DH was the one who encouraged me to mend the fence. What I learned was if they can get you angry or annoyed, they win. So my answer to every annoying comment about how she didn't like/approve of what I was wearing/doing/eating/saying/serving was "that's nice," or "Thanks for your input." After a while it got easier to deal with her. When she died, I had no guilt about our relationship, which I might have if I had simply cut the ties years before.

So you're probably doing the right thing in encouraging the contact. Better than regretting it later.

Best thing to do now is eat enough ahead of time so you can just nibble. Claim some sort of medical need to avoid certain foods, if that works for you. "Reacts badly with my medication," or "Got to limit the diet before I go in for more tests," are pretty good excuses and get you off the hook if you eat the same stuff on another day. If she'll allow it, bring a dish of your own, so you know that at least one thing on the table will be edible. At least it's something you can laugh about later.

My MIL would attempt a to make a meal that should take 2 hour to bring to the table but would do it in 20 minutes. Sand and raw wine in the mushrooms and steak or chicken that was killed in the broiler, She would say " well it is edible isn't it" No Mom!