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Usually you ask if there is anything that you can bring.

If I were hosting a dinner I would have the menu planned out beforehand and probably go over it if a guest wanted to know if they could bring something.

But don't worry! You will be fine and who knows, maybe one of your dishes will become a family tradition for years to come.

Happy T-day!

If you coming to my house you have to tell me what your bringing or it may not get to the table. I micromanage what goes on onto my table. My mother in law always asks what she can bring or make. It is polite to ask.

My sister in law has a bad habit (I consider it bad) of not saying what she needs for a party, or holiday dinner, which annoys me because 9 times out of 10 there will be at least 1 other dish that's the same as what I've made/brought.

If I say "what can I bring" I want her, and anyone else who I ask to be able to tell me what they'd honestly like me to bring, I know some people don't like that approach, but it really is easier to just tell me what you'd like me to make, rather than a general "whatever you'd like to make". One year at one of her parties there were 6 potato salads because she couldn't say "oh well (insert name/names) is making that, how about (insert alternative)"

The other reason I like to be "told" what might be nice to bring is that my sister in law has a bad habit of stealing my ideas and try to duplicate them, which is ok and flattering, but not if I make it again the next time and her shitty version (yes I said it) is also on the table.

If I have a dinner or party at my house, no one ever is asked or encouraged to bring anything, that's just me though, I like to be able to take full credit (or take the hits) for all the food at the gathering, but if it were one of those loose parties where people bring stuff, I'd certainly suggest things, especially if someone else has already said they were making.

If I know someone makes something really good that everyone likes, I'll suggest that they make that again, complimenting them as I usually do.

It really depends on the party and the people and the occasion. Sometimes bringing a dish that clashes with the rest of the menu isn't a good idea, and sometimes that oddball dish is a welcome change

If I'm invited somewhere, I always ask what I can bring. If the hostess says she doesn't need anything but I feel like I should bring something anyway, I usually bring something like a bottle of wine that she can use later or give away, rather than bringing a dish that may not fit with a planned menu. Or I'll bring a food item, like maybe dinner rolls, and I'll say that I brought them for her to use later, but if she wants to serve them, that's fine, too..

Since your MIL didn't say not to bring anything and didn't specify what to bring, she'll probably be fine with whatever you have. But if it doesn't get served, don't get your feelings hurt. It's not about you, it's about what she planned on serving.

After this time, you'll get a better idea of what she expects when you visit.

jerzee, i'm with you, i'm too much of a food control freak to allow anyone else to bring anything that's not in a bottle when i have guests. i was so proud of myself on sunday, some friends came over almost an hour before i was expecting them last week for a very elaborate lunch i had planned and i was running behind, so i asked my friend to be in charge of making one of the dishes. i showed her where everything was and let her totally handle it. the earth was still spinning on its axis when she finished, much to my amazement. and it tasted really good.

when the host is vague on what to bring, i feel like sticking with booze or dessert is usually a safe choice. also i know all of our friends appreciate a good cheese, so sometimes that and some crackers.

Unlike an informal potluck, most families have ritualistic Thanksgiving traditions that are better left unchanged by newcomers. Surely I would ask the hosts what they would like me to contribute. If the directions were vague, I'd lean toward a couple of well-made, attractive appetizers. Most hosts are quite busy with the basics and will appreciate little things that will keep grazers out of the kitchen.

Never, ever debate the pros and cons or comparable worth of the dressing recipe you grew up with and the one served by your new family. That's a trap you'd better avoid until you and spousy get home and behind drawn curtains!

Here's my protocol when invited to a dinner:

a) Respond in writing (if requested) AND call them immediately to thank them graciously. Ask if there is anything at all that I can contribute, and assure them I can make this ahead, in my own kitchen.

b) When executing the offer, try very hard to not come across as an over-eager, foodie-douchebag simply trying to show off, upstage the host's food, or appear untrusting of the host's food choices. Make the offer to cook one time, make it sincere, and make it earnest. Listen to the response.

c) If the response from the host is "yes, please bring something," then obviously inquire for ideas. Humble yourself to any request. If they say beverages, ask for suggestions and amounts. If they say chips, ask how much. If they ask for an app or a side, ask how many servings, and inquire about any major food no-nos (allergies, vegans, etc.).

d) If, after asking the latter question of Section C, there is any hemming and hawing -- well, then, make whatever the hell you want, as long you're abiding by Section B.

e) Show up a tad early with your food prepared and with minimal tasks for the host (refrigerating is usually okay -- asking for another stovetop burning isn't). Showing up with your own serving bowl/arrangement gets bonus points.

f) Offer to help -- while standing outSIDE of the kitchen. Offer clean-up, prep, washing -- anything. Again, don't be a douchebag foodie.

g) Bring a small, discrete gift for the host. Say privately, "This is for you -- thanks for having me/us." Do not announce your contribution to the whole group of gathered folks.

h) After the party, when the host has begun to clean, join in. Then LISTEN (again). They may make a mild protest (which means you stay and clean and chat). If they continue protesting, it means they want your ass out, as much as they might love you. Heed the words.

My thoughts:

1. If you are a food control freak, be a democratic food control freak. Tell EVERYONE not to bring something. Don't be like my stepmother and have the people whose cooking is like yours (Greek) bring tons of stuff and bar your stepdaughter (me) from bringing even a bottle of wine.

2. If you must bring something, bring wine--or chocolates, or bread, or a bouquet of flowers something that can be easily re-used by the family. Don't make it so huge that it is larger than a small child to show up guests who don't bring anything. If you don't like the gift, again, don't be like my stepmother and toss it while the guest is still 'in the building' (as has happened to my cookies, chocolates, flowers, and wine in previous years).

3. If you're bringing a dish with an expiration date, ask first--and if you agree to bring the dish, please bring it and don't substitute at the last minute.

@tmj529 - you're the perfect guest! I'd invite you for dinner any time, and you wouldn't even have to bring anything:-). But seriously, like I've mentioned before, I'm not very good at sharing my kitchen, and I'm a "planner" - I plan my meals (even if it's just our regular "dinner for two") so that I don't ever need any additional salads, sides or whatever else. I usually cook too much food anyway, but that's not even the point. I may allow my guests to bring their alcoholic beverage of choice, a box of chocolates or flowers. Cookies may be all right sometimes, but that's already pushing it:-).

@Heart - honestly, my heart goes out to you. I can imagine what it's like, and I don't think we should spend our holidays being miserable just because it's "family" (my in-laws are over at SIL's house, and we managed to get out of it since we'd already invited some friends over to our place. It's the best holiday ever!:-) Funny, I have more (but not too much) guilt feelings over it than my OH - who has none whatsoever).

Thanks, Brooke -- I promise to clean up, too -- unless you want me to leave. :)

@Heart: I hope you get to read this...((HUGS)) to you, my friend. I hope your holiday was not awful. I feel terrible for you. If you were around my way, I'd say you should come over my house-and I would let you bring whatever you wanted. :)

@nalega: I am sure whatever you brought was delicious and appreciated. Especially since there were no specifications made.

@heart - i used to be married to a sicilian (FAMILY - yes, it was like being married to the family) -- his father, in the 7 years - never said ONE word to me. my husband didn't think that anything was wrong with this..... needless to say we're no longer together. i guess being only half sicilian or whatever was too much for poppa.

on the other hand i learned how to cook amazing food from his wonderful, kind, underappreciated mother..... so, at least i got the good out of the situation.....