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The thing that always worked for me with my harshest critic was to remember that if I was annoyed, the other person won. Rather than getting into discussions that would ultimately lead to arguments, I responded in ways that couldn't be argued with. Things like: That's interesting. I wasn't aware of that. I'll look into that later. Oh, really? How nice. I'll check that out with (my doctor/accountant/therapist) later.

Of course, there were times when the right buttons were pushed, and I argued back, but after a while I got better at not arguing. And after a while it got to be kind of fun to see the other person trying to annoy me, and me not taking the bait.

Of course, if you aren't arguing back, that's when they think you've lost your mind or are on drugs, but that's okay, too.

Gracefully? Would they miss you if you checked into a hotel?

I've been there and my deepest sympathy goes out to you. I used to host my family and my ex-husband's family. My family was loving, helpful, perfect. His was critical, caustic, mean-spirited, argumentative. To top it off, my MIL was very hard of hearing so she yelled. I used to try to think of outings to get them away from the house. Thanksgiving day parades, football games, reenactment of Washington crossing the Delaware, Black Friday shopping, Good Friday shopping (just kidding on that one), take the grandchildren to.......movies, park, grocery, mall, Disney World. I would stay home (poor pitiful me got left behind to sing and dance like a butterfly and cook.....hehe). Card games kept them occupied, too.

I will tell you that I kept my mouth shut and ended up in tears in my room a few times, but they didn't know they hurt my feelings or made me angry. It's been a long time now, and I don't regret it. I could have used some support from my husband, but it's water under the bridge. I treasure the memories of those holidays and I'm glad it never turned into a fight. I'd advise you to try to keep them otherwise occupied, focus on what you need to do and ignore ignorance & pettiness while wearing your best smile. You may actually have a great time. Happy Thanksgiving!

I don't think I'll have snobs around, but my plan should make anyone's day go well. I plan to run 5k first thing. Then, I will drink and eat my way through the day, even as I'm preparing the meal. Also, I plan to make activities for the kids that should engage and entertain all the grown ups.

I'd provoke them by intentionally stocking things that food snobs disapprove of. Don't actually serve any of it. Then watch them go crazy over stuff for three days.

We like to take our guests for a long hikes in hilly terrain. It wears them out and so they're much more grateful for whatever you serve. Bring some hot chocolate and a snack for the hike and you should be a hero. And those who complain...maybe they'll lost on the way back and you won't have to worry about them on Thanksgiving Day.

You've all made me smile this morning - thank you!

It's not like I've got Paula Deen pinup photos on my fridge - it's just that these folks lecture, roll their eyes and make groaning noises about standard pantry fare like kosher salt ("Those HUGE grains! My gawd!"), butter ("Didn't Mom's triple bypass teach you ANYthing??...."), and then there's all those carbs. The entire meal degenerates into discussion about food, nutrition and health. ("Hey, want some guilt to go with that stuffing??") I'm all for good health, but on this day I think it's ok to feast on special dishes in reasonable amounts so life isn't so bleak. That's why it's called a feast!

My SIL hates to cook but is the Family Fitness Guru. (I usually don't bond well with people like that.) I'm just gonna make sure we get the wine box with the spigot and keep that girl's glass full. And yes, park the crudite platter in front of her so she's happy.

moibec,

One of the things that I found works for me when my wife's family is around for holiday meals is that I cook for *ME*, not for them. I recall one year, my SiL and her husband to be made a wonderful mother's day dinner for my MiL and the only thing that she could say was "there should have been pilaf, it's not really dinner without pilaf". Ever since then, when I do family holiday meals, even if it is not part of my menu, I make a single cup of pilaf and place it RIGHT in front of her plate as a reminder of her comment.

After being with my wife for going on 12 years , her family has learned that the kitchen is my domain, I used to cook professionally, and if they are being invited over for a meal, that the best thing they can do is offer to help with the clean up. The food is being taken care of. If they aren't happy with things that I am cooking, they don't need to eat them. I tend to make enough different foods that everyone can find something they enjoy. If someone leaves my table hungry it is their own fault, not mine.

Alan

a short, brief announcement like: hey, this is my ###kng house, and
please show some respect you a__holes!

just kidding.

have fun.... been there. whenever my MIL comes and sticks her nose into everything and criticizes i politely lead her to a chair and ask her to relax and enjoy herself. she kind of gets the hint. a lot of people
from that generation are used to being in control of everything, which i respect them for.... but they have to learn how to respect everyone elses space, also.

I'm with huneybumper on this one!

I go with the keep them neutral as db suggested. I have family visiting often and I just let them go on with their opinions and basically nod and ignore. It is a bit tougher when it's my dad. As he has gotten older, he doesn't care what he says. That's where the wine comes in! ;-D

Maybe it's just me, but I don't associate with people who get enjoyment out of pushing buttons ... family or otherwise, which is why I don't have anything to do with a few family members. I've never understood why people put up with crap just because they're "family". Noone should feel uncomfortable in their own home, especially on such a wonderful day as Thanksgiving.

Okay, I hate to say this, but I am one of those picky, healthy eaters that sometimes has a hard time with some of the Thanksgiving "set menu". *However*, first, I never really get together with my extended relatives over the holidays (no one in my family is really that close), so I am usually just with my parents and they understand totally and are getting to be the same, since they are both pre-diabetic now. Also, I never EVER expect any special accomodations, and can always find *something* to eat. The turkey is the best part anyway, so I can easily fill up on that alone! Actually, could eat my weight in turkey if I had the chance. And if nothing else, I know (and so should your relatives) that it's just one day. I can be horribly, unbelievably unhealthy and indulgent for one day (okay, two, if you count Christmas) a year...no problem. :)

well, it's probably more appropriate to say hot tea splashed in soco....

@LearP AWESOME!

My answer is quick and easy but you won't like it. Quit inviting them. Holidays happen too infrequently to sacrifice such limited celebration days to the gods of "appropriateness."

I often wonder why people insist on surrounding themselves with others who inspire peptic ulcers. And I don't care that "they're family." That doesn't make what they do right - and it should not be tolerated. You would not continue to invite a baffoon neighbor over and there's no good reason to let someone ruin a holiday because they happen to be of your bloodline.

You could begin in a kinder and gentler way - with a warning. The next time one of your relatives decides to throw a wet blanket over your beautifully prepared dinner, you might want to let him or her know that future invitations will not be forthcoming if that behaviour continues. If someone makes a remark about how rich the food is - you might offer the response, "We don't eat like this all the time, this is a holiday celebration." If the verbal crap continues, you can add, "Well, then if this menu does not meet with your approval, I suggest you find another venue for your holiday next year."

And no, I'm not kidding.

One xmas, my aunt and uncle walked in, and my dad said, "So, can I get you something to drink? We've got Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Punch in the bowl; there's white and red wine, limoncello and vodka; bottled water is in the cooler. Oh, [BAngieB] insisted on Malibu and pineapple juice. Tonic's in the fridge; gin's over there."

My aunt goes, "Hmm. Ooh, I'll have a Brandy Alexander."

My dad laughed good naturedly until he realized she was just standing there, expectingly. His response?

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

I have to admit, I like chiff's advice best. I need to learn to do that, too.

I don't usually get criticism from relatives about cooking, mostly it's a lot of curious questions, and I'm fine with that. But family is always weird, in one way or another I have a SIL who had a habit of looking through people's medicine cabinets. Not just mine, I heard that she did the same thing at other people's houses. Can't for the life of me figure out what she was after. But whenever she was there, I'd notice that the cabinet wasn't closed all the way or things were shifted around a bit. So I left a little note one time. Can't recall exactly what I said, but it probably didn't matter, since she got the message that her nosiness had been noticed.

How this relates to food, I don't know, but I suppose you could put odd notes on things in the pantry. "This is really salt. Lots of people use it. No, blood pressure is just fine." Or, "Yes, I do like this cereal. You don't have to eat it if you don't like it." Or, "If you're looking for the booze, it's not in here."

It is hard, and takes practice, but you have to remember that what they're saying has nothing to do with you. They are the ones lacking - respect, manners, gratitude, whatever. It's not about you. You just don your prettiest teflon dress and have your own fun.
But I agree with the person that says if you get annoyed they win. Not that its about winning, because why compete with people so ill equipped to even come close to your abilities? Those suggested responses, the ones that make it difficult for them to keep it up, sound great to me.
I think its difficult to compete with the AWESOME incredulous response that BangieB 's father exclaimed. It IS truly unbelievable that these people don't behave better.
Really cool healthy sophisticated food people instinctually enjoy and appreciate the moments and the people and different food variations depending on the occasion and the location and cook.

@demi ~ You so bad!!!!