Serious Eats - seriouseats.com

@Brownie - Exactly!

Never cut up habaneros without gloves. Ever.

Never put birthday candles on a cake covered with confectioner's sugar, especially on a dark tablecloth.

Never clean kitchen cabinets with furniture polish, unless you were trying to make the floor into a skating rink.

Great post @papillon. Sure made me laugh, as it's the kind of thing we all might do at some point. I hope lots of others contribute. I need to laugh!

So sorry Perky, and can't think of anything particularly cheerful. Excepting it is not wise to demonstrate the extreme power of your extractor fan with a piece of kitchen towel when the gas burners are already lit.

When dating a prankster, check for rubber bands on the sink sprayer before turning on the water.

Likewise @ PerkyMac, always hold your cake pans over the sink when spraying with Pam.

When training little ones to stir, emphasize keeping the bowl of the spoon on the bottom of the bowl, and not talking. Because wild gestures are part of talking when one is five or six. Saves Nana from a waffle batter shampoo.

@Perky -- maybe you can go sit by the Perkiomen and let the creek carry your troubles away??

@rosezilla--too true! I will never forget the first time my hubby (boyfriend back then) decided to make something with scotch bonnets. After doing all his prepping, we were enjoying some drinks on the back porch, he eventually had to use the bathroom...OMG...sooo funny now, but he was in AGONY!!! I'm just going to say that one of the funniest things I've ever seen was the sight of his bare ass running down the hall to grab the aloe plant! (incidently, it didn't help)

Never cook bacon while naked.

Never put your head in a 500 degree oven if you want to maintain a full head of hair and your eyebrows.

@chiff - My eyes are watering BIG time!

@wookie - And, when you're re-living the deja vu, you will bear a very strong resemblance to Popeye.

PS - I flushed my eye immediately after both incidents. And I will not be making that mistake ever again.

never put a cast iron pan in the dishwasher.
take the cream cheese out of the fridge the day before making cheesecake.
don't lean your head over the coals after they've been doused in half a bottle of lighter fluid.

all hypothetical instances, of course

Never underestimate the power and speed of a champagne cork.

Never be surprised when you see your Exec chef deeply cut his finger right before a 5 course catering event for 300. And don't be surprised when cauterizing the finger on the flat-top, multiple latex gloves and duct tape are used as a quick solution (true story)

I was surprised when my reflexes surpassed my thought process on 2 occasions when 1) I caught my knife as it fell and 2) Caught the massive box of falling plastic wrap...blade cutter side down of course! OUCH!
Both times I was heard calling myself a dumbass over and over in route to the first aid kit.

Never underestimate the POWERFUL stinch of a hotel pan of broccoli that was lost in the back of the walk in for about 2 weeks. When that plastic wrap came off everyone's lunch came up.

Never forget the look on your sous chef's face when he sees that someone has played Tic-Tac-Toe on his car hood with bologna, bacon and syrup. And remember how pissed he was to find more syrup covering his windshield and under his door handle that he just grabbed with his gloved hands. And FYI: Syrup will freeze to the windshield when it is in the 30's outside.

Never use your thumb to pry up the lid on a can that your crappy can opener did not cut properly.

That one hurt for a long time.

Before firing up your gas grill after a long winter, inspect the inside carefully. My husband lit the grill without checking it, and a flaming mouse shot out and ran across our patio like a rocket!

@josdean - I wonder if grilled mouse tastes like chicken.

@Josdean: OMG. I think I peed my pants on that one. Hilarious. Oh wow. I'm still laughing.

@MadelynR: That's funny you said that about makeup-my Aunt tells me that all the time. I think it's happened to her a time or two.

DO NOT attempt to pull out a 9x13 pan of lasagna from a 375 oven with no gloves. The pan will be extremely hot.

If you attempt to light some charcoals after you have doused them with lighter fluid, and it doesn't catch the first time-DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT bend over and try to light again at the same time. It will be then that the fire starts and you will have no eyelashes or eyebrows and instant bangs. Also, you want to have caring friends around you-not ones that are either paralyzed with fear or uncontrollably laughing at the fire that is on top of your head. Smack at yourself furiously and the fire will go out. Next, light a candle as the smell of hair burning is not particularly pleasant.

@elaine nan - I remember them explaining that in science class in 7th grade, but I've never experienced it! My teacher was going to demonstrate but in the class before ours she miscalculated and exploded a beaker all over the room. I've been petrified of it happening to me ever since...

@nightmoon - So says Cassaendra too! Probably should wear an apron. ;-)

Don't fry anything with wet hands.

I've got another one:

DO NOT overfill a fryer and then throw A LOT of french fries into the hot oil. What you will have is an upheaval of oil (think Lava shooting out of a volcano), then a waterfall of oil onto the counter and susequently the floor. It's still very hot though if you have to clean this up-please remember that. Paper towels are not going to sheild you from getting burned. But, wrapping towels around your hand will. I would like to add-I did not do this (well dropping in the french fries anyway).