PrintWhen someone you adore is the worst cook ever.
Awesome New Guy made me dinner tonight. It was scary bad. The rest follows as a comment as it was too long.
Add a comment:
Previewing your comment:
HTML Hints
Some HTML is OK: <a href="URL">link</a>, <strong>strong</strong>, <em>em</em>
Comment Guidelines
Post whatever you want, just keep it seriously about eats, seriously. We reserve the right to delete off-topic or inflammatory comments. Learn more at our Comment Policy page.
If you see something not so nice, please, report an inappropriate comment.
Start Talking!
Need a question answered? Have advice to share? Start a Talk topic now!
Sign up to get your questions answered and share advice.
22 Comments:
Okay, so here’s the thing, Fabulous New Boy made me dinner tonight. A really, really, really bad dinner. He was very proud of it. See, while I met him at the market, smirking at his cart full of frozen TV dinners, he says that he loves to cook, but finds it pointless to do just for himself (a bad sign, I know when it comes to love of cooking. I mean, if you really love it, you’d love it for yourself also, right?). It was chicken parm, (greasy, gummy, and undercooked) and spaghetti (overcooked and gummy, with what was clearly a homemade sauce as even Chef-boy-ar-dee wouldn’t stoop so low) and salad (very heavily dressed with 7 Seas). It was really sweet of him and all, and he his smile when presenting was just the most adorable thing ever, but it was awful. Which, actually, would be okay, except he’s looking forward to many more such meals. He wants me to help him with a party he’s having in a couple of weeks (which cool, on the boy front, but on the food?). To be his sous chef. So what do I do with this? He has MUCH enthusiasm and no skill, and clearly, no palate. How do you teach someone how to cook, who already thinks they can, thank you very much, and quite well, and seems to be somewhat protective of their talent? I was thinking of suggesting cooking classes to help fine tune his technique, since he loves cooking so much, which would have him learning how to actually cook (hopefully) without any loss of face. I mean, the guy is wonderful, but I really can’t eat any more of his food. If I have to I’ll eat it, but I really don’t want to. 2 hours after dinner and my tummy’s really queasy right now, like when I get Popeye’s.
Have you ever been in a situation where you kinda have to burst the bubble without bursting the bubble? What do you do? He’s dying to make me breakfast (all of you, shut up), but I’m just scared to death. He’s wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. If I didn’t think cooking would be a big part of our relationship, I wouldn’t care, but this?
God, the last major BF was a chef. I bristled at his occasionally condescending attitude towards my cooking. I prayed that the next one wouldn’t back me into a corner like he did. I guess you gotta watch out what you wish for.
chisai at 12:29AM on 03/08/08
Chisai.......I'm so happy you found someone, but 'tis a dilemma. Maybe he's never tasted really good ____ fill in the blank, possibly with the word FOOD. What if you made the most fabulous chicken parm, spaghetti and salad (not tomorrow, but maybe for the party since you know he likes it.....haha) and hopefully he'd taste the difference and want you to teach him? I know that's the ideal and he may not have a clue, but worth a try? In the meantime, like tomorrow, you might want to make him breakfast for dinner and show him HOW to cook what you like. Hey - maybe you could teach each other your favorites. If he likes heavy greasy pancakes with I can't believe it's not butter (Aunt Jemima mix was just recalled) and powdered sugar, he can show you how and you can show him how to scramble your fluffy eggs? Couples love to please each other you know. ;-0 You'll figure it out. There are worse things. He could hate everything you love to cook with and eat - been there and it's so hard to impress when you can't use most of your favorite ingredients. I'm feeling your pain, but thanks for sharing. I feel like we all have a stake in this budding relationship and I'm pulling for you girl!
PerkyMac at 12:53AM on 03/08/08
I feel for you. I have a boyfriend who is as close to perfect as they come, but his idea of "cooking" is jarred alfredo sauce and mushy pasta. Once, I took FOUR HOURS making him the beef stew of his dreams and he paid me back by making me Totinos Pizza Rolls! He went on and on about how good they were and was shocked that I'd never had them because frankly, I haven't had a lot of frozen crap. He "made" them for me and they tasted like greasy pizza like balls- yuck. Love makes you do stupid things, Chisai, but in our case, love makes you eat crappy food.
PumpkinBear at 12:57AM on 03/08/08
Suggest that you take some cooking classes together rather than just for him. Try to find some that are not going to offend. Basic cooking might be a problem, but if you could find classes on making specific dishes that he probably has never made before -- eggrolls, tamales, pizza, tiramisu, whatever -- that might seem like a fun thing for the two of you to do. If he manages to master one of them, you can then make a big deal about how much you love the way he makes that particular item, and it can become his signature dish.
Be really enthusiastic about how you just love to learn new recipes and new techniques, so he doesn't feel like you're pushing him into classes because he's a bad cook, but because it's such a treat for you, and you want to share this fun experience with him. Make it a point to say things like, "wow, I always did this a different way, but what they taught us was better/easier/faster..." If he thinks that you're learning new stuff he's not going to be so intimidated about the fact that he didn't know some of these things, either.
Maybe bring over a cookbook and some ingredients and tell him that you've always wanted to try this one particular recipe, and it would be soooo fun if you make it together. Or, if you';re afraid he's going to want to change the recipe, make it a traditional family recipe that you just HAVE to make the way mom made it when you were a kid. Exactly. No changes. Accidentally leave the recipe at his place.
Once he's got a couple recipes that you know he can make, you can ask him to make those for you, because he just does them so well. Or maybe he'll really get into the idea of classes and recipes and making edible foods beyond the one or two that he masters at first.
Good luck.
dbcurrie at 1:22AM on 03/08/08
Offer to repay the favor. "I really appreciated the dinner you made me - how about you come over to my place tomorrow night? I'll make my famous __________."
"Breakfast? Awesome! I found this fabulous-looking recipes for _________. We should make it together (at which point you delegate him to making the bloody marys and chopping the fruit salad)."
KarynMC at 7:56AM on 03/08/08
I was going to suggest the cooking classes together as well. Make it a gift, "I was going to sign up for this class on stir-frys, but then I thought about how much fun it could be to do this together."
Another task that you could relegate him to would be the grill. If you cook outside at all, give him the all-important task of watching the grill and taking care of the flipping and turning while you manage the marinades and salads, etc.
ErikaWaz at 8:45AM on 03/08/08
Oh...chisai,chisai,chisai. Where do I begin? I love my husband and have been married for 13 years but he wasn't a good cook and still doesn't grill. Like PumpkinBear said love makes you eat crappy food. Here's what I did/do. Eat it and say thank you. Be grateful that he tried. Later on, when you are both in the kitchen together without being a "kitchen nazi" gently, oh so gently, guide him to better cooking with little baby steps and I mean little baby steps. Pick one think you don't like and say "Have you ever tried [fiil in the blank] this way?" and then leave it alone. You didn't back him into a corner and come off as little miss bossy. It has worked for my very stubborn and proud husband.
evilchefmom at 10:27AM on 03/08/08
I think PerkyMac has a point, he may simply have never had excellently prepared food; if this is the case, then his palate may not be as bad as you fear (I'm hoping, for you stomach's sake), and you can establish a benchmark of sorts, something he'll want to strive for when he cooks himself.
Then you can explain concepts such as 'al dente' and the reason tinned tomato sauce is a fearful thing. A few dinners at restaurants that prepare very simple (so he's can't be bedazzled by trimmings) but beautifully prepared food can establish a frame of reference. It would be a good idea to sound him out on which cuisines are is his favourites/easy, so you can focus on one or two cuisines, to start with.
If his palate really IS nonexistent, it still may be possible to develop it: perhaps for a just while you could insist on doing most the cooking, and include small tastings (you could say you're trying to find out which things are his absolute favourites, even though their function would be to make him focus on flavours and textures--e.g. properly and mushily cooked pasta--so he starts becoming more aware of food).
I've never attended cooking lessons, so I have no idea of whether or not they'd be useful, but doing it together sounds like a good idea, and one nice thing about them would be that they would provide a setting in which another person could dismantle some of his current ideas, instead of you.
If all else fails, you COULD take over the cooking, relegating him to seemingly important, actually trivial tasks, but that doesn't seem like the greatest option, over the long term. But what makes food 'good' to him may have as much--or more--to do with old associations (e.g. the Chef Boyardee ravioli his mum made for him, on special occasions) as anything else; in that case you'll just have to sit down and tell him what the deal is. If you state the situation n in terms of YOUR old associations (invent some, if necessary) he'll probably be more understanding.
(And good luck with that breakfast, a bad one can be such rough going, especially if you have to do something afterwards :/)
mongoose at 11:00AM on 03/08/08
Lots of great advice here! The one thing that keeps niggling at the back of my mind is that he had a cart full of frozen food. I live alone, love to cook and couldn't bear eating that stuff. I wonder if he thinks he's impressing you by SAYING he likes to cook? If he did, he would have been doing it for himself all along. He either can't taste, or is kidding himself. I don't think he really wants to do that much cooking, he just wants to make you happy. Go slowly and carefully as others have suggested, but if he has any taste buds at all in that adorable little head of his, I'll just bet he'd be happy as a pig in mud if you cooked and he helped.
PerkyMac at 11:09AM on 03/08/08
Before I chime in with my two bux (that's two cents adjusted for inflation), let me say that I do very much appreciate the precarious timing of this situation (e.g., the start of a brand new and very promising relationship) and your desire not to be diplomatic and avoid hurting his feelings, embarrassing him, alienating him, etc. That said...
Has it occurred to you that the reason he thinks he's a good cook is because everybody always humors him, tries to be nice and gives him far more praise than is due? What I'm saying is, this poor guy has almost certainly been lied to by too many people for too long. In our culture, most people are not inclined to have a favorable opinion of their own _____ (cooking, haircut, artistic ability, etc.) until the possibility that it actually might be good has been confirmed and reinforced by others, especially by those whose opinions are most valued (presumably this is you, at present)
Tell him the truth.
Yes, you should be diplomatic and kind. And I agree with the suggestion of first trying to teach him through demonstration. But when he makes something disgusting, you need to honestly tell him it's not to YOUR taste, and you need to explain why. Be nice. Protect his ego by saying it's just what you're used to, or it's how you were taught by a chef. But tell the truth when something sucks.
Ideally, before deciding on an overall game plan, you will first try to get some background on his cooking and food history (when did you start cooking? why? who taught you? what did you eat growing up? who did the cooking? -- just review the majority of questions posted on this board, and you'll get all kinds of material). Do this while you are working in the kitchen together, or while he's watching you cook for him. It's a natural conversation to have at that time, and he won't feel probed. You'll better understand the source of the problem and develop the best and most diplomatic way of telling him the truth. Avoid making him feel criticized and attacked.
This works with a bad outfit, bad sex, bad decor, whatever. You first try to gently show him new ways of doing things (wow, have you ever thought of putting the sofa over HERE?). But if he asks your opinion about whether he's done something well, you've got to answer truthfully. Otherwise, you're just perpetuating the lies he believes, and making the problem even worse.
If you can't be honest with him about something as fundamental as this, how strong of future do you have with him?
Good luck, chisai. It's a tough one, but a course you'll have to navigate again and again throughout your life. Might as well jump in and master the skills. (sorry I sound like a mom... just can't seem to shake the persona!)
LoCo at 12:05PM on 03/08/08
When I met my husband nearly 10 years ago, he thought he was a good cook, too. I won't go into the gory details...shudder...bugs in the rice...that's all I'm gonna say. But living on their own or with other guys for a period of time and having to cook on occassion leads them to believe that they are good cooks and overlook minor details like bugs in the rice. Also, some men have fragile egos when it comes to criticism from their women. So, yes, you will have to eat something that isn't as good as you could have made. As long as there are no bugs in it, you should eat it. Everyone has already made some great usefull suggestions and the common thread (that you seem to know already) is to proceed gently.
After awhile, he will acknowldege your cooking superiority and fade into the kitchen background. AND, most important, your cooking prowess will rub off and before you know it, 10 years will have passed and you come home to the smell of braised lamb shanks...you'll eat happily ever after.
wookie at 12:24PM on 03/08/08
Lots of good advice already, so now I'll ask what might seem like a mean question...does he have any guy friends who actually know what good food is? One who would be bold enough to say "Dude...this is terrible! Let HER teach you how to make it!" or in a situation where you've made something and said friend could say "Her ___ is way better than when you make it" or something along those lines?
Curlz at 12:55PM on 03/08/08
As a guy, (and fortunately, one whose gf knew she wasn't a good cook and was happy to relinquish the job), I think maybe I can offer a little psychological perspective to supplement some of the good practical advice you've already received.
It's nice of you to worry about hurting your bf's feelings, but maybe this is a way to avoid doing so.
Most guys like competiton. He may be showing off his "cooking skills" as a sort of challenge to you. This gives you an opening.
Tell him, "You think you're a pretty good cook, but I think I'm better. Let's find out." You may have to eat a few of his "off-games", but if you really are the better cook, sooner or later he'll come around to either admitting so, or at least accepting your advice or assistance. (Most guys do like to eat good food too!)
I hate to sound sexist, but it's been my expereince that men would generally rather be beaten in a fair battle than pitied, especially by a female who's close to them.
srhcb at 1:02PM on 03/08/08
Thanks for all the input everyone. I've been pondering this and come to a couple conclusions. (a) Unless he's feeding me everyday, it's not that big a deal; (b) it's a little too early in to start suggesting we take cooking classes together, so that's out; and (c) should we get to the point where it has to be addressed, I actually think that @srhcb is probably right, given this particular guy. So Thanks buddy!
As a side note, you guys are all so helpful and have such great ideas and tips, not just on this issue, but with whatever food queries I and other people have. I really love this site.
chisai at 4:58PM on 03/08/08
That's hysterical. Please put me down with the "tell him the truth" group. Building a relationship on a lie is never a good idea - moreso when it involves a task that's regularly performed 3x/day.
He'll either shrug his shoulders, look at you with puppy dog eyes and say, "I tried..." to which you can respond by jumping in his arms and telling him he does other things well. (Which hopefully will be true...) OR - He will get pissed off and hold his breath until he turns blue. In the latter case, he wasn't so awesome after all.
chiff0nade at 5:03PM on 03/08/08
Oooh, I like srhcb's idea of doing a competition. Have some of his buddies as the judges, because they're probably more likely to be brutally honest with him and he wouldn't take offense if a guy-friend said, "dude, your chili is lousy next to the girlfriend's version!"
dbcurrie at 5:15PM on 03/08/08
When we first started dating my hubby told me what a great cook he was... to put it kindly... he was a HORRIBLE cook. Still is. lol. He would proudly invite me over for his famous, (fill in the blank)... inevitably it would be just horrific. After we were serious I started telling him the truth, "honey, I love you to death but I can't stomach your cooking..." Now we are happily married and he stays FARRRRR away from the kitchen. Although, I must admit, it is still a battle. Just the other day I mentioned how I'd love some homemade chicken salad and he offered to make me some of his, "famous chicken salad". I politely declined.
sbelle at 5:20PM on 03/08/08
Oh Chisai, I can hear the MC now!
"The challenger is entering Kitchen Stadium.
Awesome New Guy challenges Iron Chef Chisai!
Whose cuisine will reign supreme?!"
My husband and I used to joke about having an Iron Chef-style competition, but now he's acknowledged my kung-fu is stronger.
wookie at 6:04PM on 03/08/08
Another thought - wine, cheese, fruit, and cracker night. No cooking, no pain!
KarynMC at 7:23PM on 03/08/08
Okay... time to eat some crow here. The love of my life, my darling hubby took umbrage at my post. lol. In all fairness he is great at grilling and makes amazing chili, pork and string beans, and whips up a mean cuppa tea. I love you, my Pamplemousse! Grin....
sbelle at 8:13PM on 03/08/08
If a person has a defective palate, there is simply no way anyone can teach him to cook.I think the wine-cheese-cracker/bread dinner is the best solution. Just pray he will assemble a few decent ingredients--tell him you're bringing a good bottle of wine and want to have a "picnic" on the living room carpet. Or spend the morning shopping at the farmers' market together and create a great salad (and hide the bottle of 7 Seas).Buy him a good bottle of olive oil and show him how to make a vinaigrette. And study him carefully, to be sure he's actually worth all this effort :o) Good luck!
meta at 1:42AM on 03/16/08
I think perhaps if you just met this guy suggesting cooking classes together is a bit extreme as you've already concluded. He may have been nervous cooking for you the first time, and like most guys probably thought about his plans shortly before. But I have my doubts about this guy's cooking skills if you found him the frozen section any where near frozen dinners. Perhaps, you could give him a copy of your favorite cookbook to share recipes and your common love of food. Bring him a dinner, or dessert unexpectedly to show off your skills. He'll probably enjoy the food and the fact he didn't have to make it. Eventually his cooking skills will evolve if he starts loving and understanding good food.
ekrenek at 4:44AM on 03/16/08