Serious Eats - seriouseats.com

(to be read with a tongue-in-cheek tone)

If I am standing at the kitchen sink, engaged in _____ (pot-scrubbing, vegetable-peeling, chicken-washing, etc.), please do not hover at my shoulder, with your hands floating helplessly in the air in front of you, making it clear through body language and/or dramatic heavy sighs that I should stop what I’m doing and get out of the way so you can use the sink to wash up. Also, please do not get angry/annoyed/hurt when I tell you that I’m going to be a while, and politely suggest that you might want to use the sink in the laundry room (which is usually the one you should be using anyway), or seek out a sink in one of the two downstairs bathrooms (all of which are equipped with soap, hot water and clean towels). Please also appreciate my restraint at not sarcastically responding to your annoyance with a comment about how, if none of these choices are suitable, you are welcome to explore one of the upstairs bathrooms, where you will find four more sinks that are well-equipped for hand-washing.

Yes, please, feel free to help me out by unloading the dishwasher or dish strainer. Please note, however, that wrongly guessing at where something belongs, and arbitrarily picking a spot for it, based on whether the item fits there, rather than simply asking me, is generally not at all helpful. On average, I will spend 20 minutes trying to find it the next time I need it. If you don’t live here, I will spend even longer, and ultimately will have to email or call you on the phone to try to figure out where in the heck the item went. An example would be not noticing all the porcelain baking dishes stowed together in one cabinet, and instead opting to put my 2-qt covered casserole (the one I use most often) on the top shelf of the pantry closet. With the flour, sugar and other baking ingredients. Perfectly logical to some, I suppose, but not to me.

Dishwasher unloading part II… Opting not to expend the extra 1-3 seconds it takes to move things that are already stowed, in order to properly stow an item you are putting away, is also not helpful. Examples of this would be setting the one-cup dry measure on top of or next to the properly nested ¼, 1/3, and ½ cup measures. Or, precariously balancing the 20-inch oval platter on top of the 8-inch vegetable server.

If it’s 10:30 a.m., we’ve invariably been up for at least 3 or 4 hours. If I am fully immersed in non-kitchen activities (laundry, floor scrubbing, and reading come to mind), and if there is no sign of ingredients or equipment sitting on the counter in cooking-readiness, please, please, please, do not ask me, “Were you going to make breakfast?” I know I’m being incredibly picky here, but this is one of my pet peeves. Not only do you know that I only make breakfast 2-3 times per week (help yourself to cereal, toast or leftovers the other days), but it’s totally obvious to even the most casual observer, that, no, I wasn’t planning to make breakfast. On the other hand, I don’t (much) mind if you ask me, nicely, if I would consider making some breakfast – or, better yet, if you offer to make some breakfast for me!

If you are not actually helping me in the kitchen, please stay out from under my feet. This is an enormous space, with the kitchen and family room all in one room. The two areas are separated by a work island, furnished with three very nice stools, all of which face the kitchen. This island is also where my sink and chopping block are located, and therefore, the place where I am almost always standing (except when I’m actually cooking at the stove or oven). There is also a 7-foot long kitchen table right next to the island, which is surrounded by six comfortable chairs. All of these seats are visible to me from all parts of the room, and all are within earshot. There is no need for you to shadow my every move around the kitchen, so that whenever I turn around, we collide. Furthermore, after said collisions have occurred three or four times, please do not be offended when I guide you to one of the aforementioned seats, gently push you down into it, and ask you please stay put.

When dinner is already 20 minutes behind schedule, and I am moving at light speed between the stove, island, oven, and fridge, it’s probably not a good time to ask me how to work the home theater system. You are almost certainly a bright, observant person, and can probably figure out that your priorities are not mine. Feel free to find something else to entertain yourself until I’m not juggling umpteen things in the kitchen.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable, but it’s incredibly annoying when you stand in front of the refrigerator or pantry door, without opening it, and ask me whether we have any _____ (milk, crackers, etc.). This annoyance factor increases exponentially in direct proportion to how busy I am with something else, how important/difficult that something else is, and/or how many rooms/floors lie between us at the time of your inquiry, thus determining how loudly you had to shout to ask me this question, and whether I will even understand you.

Finally, when I go on a rant about how lazy and inconsiderate it was for somebody to return the _____ (milk carton, container of leftovers, etc.) to the fridge with only two tablespoons of stuff in it, or to put away the empty sugar bowl without refilling it, etc., please do not roll your eyes, as if to say that I am stark-raving mad, overly tired, or a woman suffering from PMS. At least one of these things is almost certainly true, and possibly al of them. But, I also happen to be right. Don’t do it, I won’t rant, and you won’t have to roll your eyes.

I can only add one thing to the above....NEVER smoke in my kitchen! I am not a smoker, but I have a couple family members who are.....cigarettes & food never mix....never have, never will in my world. Please do not ask if you can smoke there, nor take it upon yourself to bring an ashtray in & light up while you watch me cook. Thanks for letting me vent too! lol

Did my kids or my husband crash your house last night?

Ha, ha! No, I have produced my own darling offspring to keep me charmed by their actions. :)

I forgot to mention one more thing.

Don't ever put nail polish remover within ten feet of the polished wood dining room table.

Oh, yes, KarenR... I've totally been there, done that. Except in my house, it wasn't a chameleon, it was a North African Skink, which sadly (or not so much) passed on a couple of years ago. Yes, it is definitely a phase which will almost certainly be outgrown. Be careful what you wish for, though. In my case, the child at issue is now contemplating his drivers license.

I'm thinking I'd rather deal with crickets and skink-fouled kitchen towels.

chill out!

hahaha this chain is hilarious to read through!

My biggest one is when someone is trying to show off (or more often, try and prove their charming charisma...) in the kitchen by offering to help out, slicing, dicing, "making a salad to go along" and they end up doing something that I would have never considered... in a very bad way!
I had a boyfriend who's two main offers would always be to "make some salad" or "wash up after."

His idea of salad (as a side dish to an everyday, quick dinner) was huge chunks of the most expensive things in the fridge, throwing away about half of the vegetables after using the other half, calling that whole part the "un-edible end part."
Washing up included taking a coarse, abraisive sponge to a hand-me-down french knife from my father, his favorite one for almost his whole career as an executive chef.

respect the kitchen and the people who love it.
sigh.

Please do not place your dirty plate, cup, saucer, bowl, etc. next to the sink on the sideboard. Simple reach over and open the dishwasher and place the objects inside of it.

When placing the objects you used into the dishwasher, try to find the common pattern that is already going on inside of the dishwasher. Plates to not lay ON TOP of the tines face up...they go on the edge like all of the other plates.

Do not EVER touch MY block of knives or put them in the dishwasher. Your block of knives are those crappy plastic handled ones that come with a bonus steak knife set.

If you know there is approximately 9 drops of milk in the gallon, consume it and throw the jug away. Write down that there is no more milk or even crazier, take your ass to the store and buy some.

If you must defoul my kitchen on a Sunday morning because I have not gotten up early enough to produce breakfast and you feel compelled to do it yourself, WASH the pan and spatula. Dry, congealed egg is a pain in the ass.

The dog is not staring at you and doing a little dance every time you go near the sink because she is trained to do that. Her water bowl is empty and she is thirsty. BEENNNNDDD OOOVVVVEEEERRRR and fill it.

In you compulsion to use the highest pressure spray possible with the sprayer attachment, feel free to wipe down the kitchen window, window sill, counter, floor, drainboard and any clean dishes that are now dirty because your gale force spray sent food particles everywhere.

When you overfill your oversize coffee mug, wipe up the coffee off the counter, floor and my coffee table. Those pretty ceramic coasters aren't there just to collect dust.

On the off chance that you bothered to load your one utensil (usually a butter knife, smeared with butter) into my dishwasher, can you make sure the dishwasher isn't filled with CLEAN dishes?????

Opening the refridgerator and every single cabinet multiple times WILL NOT make food appear. Use the above mentioned crazy idea and take your ass to the grocery store in the -4 degree, 30+ mile an hour winds, pumpkin.

I cook. I clean. I do all the laundry. I clean up pee on and around the toilet when I know I DO NOT PEE ON EITHER. I bathe the dog. I clean the oven. I do all the grocery shopping. I do all the banking. You have not purchased a christmas/birthday/bar mitzvah/mothers or fathers day gift since Christ was an alter boy. This being said, I refuse to take out the trash or take the cans to the end of the driveway. I cannot imagine that you really have to be reminded every effin Wednesday night that the trash goes out.

Stop taking my good flatware to work and "forgetting" to bring it home. I will use your Visa to purchase another extremely expensive set if one more fork comes up missing.

Do not use the term "shit" when referring to anything that comes from my kitchen. Tell all of your friends this also. I understand that they are saying it in a complimentary form ("damn, this shit is so goooodddd!!!" , "hey Chelle, whats that shit you made last week?") but I hate it. You will starve to death before you ever get another morsel. McDonalds dollar menu will be the next stop, ya criminals.

Wow that felt good.

I have no children, and I have to admit that at the moment I'm feeling rather lucky. I've had flat-mates, and it is only by some miracle that I slew none of them (ChristineB, I hope you've spoken to your yours about damaging your property...).

So, the only thing I can say is, if I am doing something in the kitchen, do not offer to help unless you believe that you might have enjoyed working under Mussolini; I studied ballet for 11 of my earlier years, and alas, it shows. I have carefully evolved 'systems', which I am constantly refining in order to optimise results or reduce environmental impact, and I have a bone-deep conviction that my way is right. I WARN people of this; they do not usually listen. Apart from my boyfriend, who knows.

My boyfriend and have a standing agreement to not work together in the kitchen. Period. He has a more casual, 'seat-of-the-pants' approach, and watching it makes me nuts. So, I leave the room, because I know perfectly well that if I don't watch what he does in the kitchen, there will actually be few things to trouble me in the final results.

Holy shit you guys ( excuse my language but really, holy ****). That was amazing. So I started reading the thread- and the first one I read the whole time I'm thinking 'this is my moms comment, this has to be my moms comment' and it wasn't....so after my surprise I move on to the next long rant...and I'm like wow this one HAS to be it...and it's not. SHE DOESN'T WRITE A COMMENT UNTIL LIKE 13 COMMENTS LATER!! and I thought 9 of them were her's. So from a daughter that really appreciates food in the spirit of all your daughters and husbands and significant others (because apparently we all have equally bad kitchen manners) I'm sorry, I'm sorry Mom for Dad, and I won't stand in front of your Island again....but can you still cook cookies tomorrow?

People mostly behave in my kitchen. It's in a NYC apartment, so it's pretty small. But if I'm trying to cook dinner for you, don't come in and lean against the counter--and make me walk around you again and again. Just stand in the damn doorway.

And for heaven's sake don't ever let me catch you using my Wusthof-Trident knives to leverage open a canister.

Oh--and the reason I no longer have a sponge to clean counters and instead use tree-destroying paper towels? Because you well-meaners kept trying to wash my dishes with the counter sponge. Ew.

lets not forget the hubby that "cooks" while I'm at work, leaving the microwave, his only kitchen tool, a gunky mess, because he's never heard of a) covering his mess and b) is incapable of cleaning anything but a plate.

I laughed 'til I cried. I've experienced all of these except for the cooking spouse. My worst problem, though, is my life-long dear friend who will NOT STOP clearing, scraping, washing and then loading the dishwasher with the plates after each course. I think it destroys the mood and pleasure of the occasion. I've tried explaining my philosophy, threatening exclusion, and appeals to the table for support. If our kitchen had a door and a lock, I'd use it!!!

The kitchen really is my realm, and I've had to try to be gracious about sharing that space, even with my fiance. That said, here are the two gripes that came to mind.

While you are housesitting for us, please do not apparently use every bowl and knife in my kitchen, handwash everything, and pile all of the handwashed dishes on top of my good knives. (I supposed I should be grateful they didn't put my good knives in the dishwasher and that they actually washed the dishes.)

If you are boiling something and it boils over, please remember to come back and wipe down the stove top. It's not really my life's mission to follow you around the kitchen, cleaning up after you.

And as others have mentioned, do not even think about using my good knives for anything but cutting a food product. This does not include cutting into the packaging of said food product.

(Thanks for the fun topic!)

OMG... you guys are awesome!!! This is better than a support group! I knew you'd understand! You inspired a few more to pop into my head:

If an item you’re accustomed to finding in Location A is now found in Location B, please do not return it to Location A. Doing so once or twice, as a matter of habit or absentmindedness, is understandable. Doing so over, and over, and over again is just you being passive-aggressive. You can be sure I had a good reason for moving it; please adapt. Also note that, while you may not feel my reasons are good, they are the only ones that count, as I handle virtually all kitchen-related tasks in our house. Get on board.

Yes, our dark, heavily patterned granite countertops sometimes make it difficult to see _____ (crumbs, drips, spilled sugar, etc.). This fact, however, does not negate the need for said mess to be removed from said countertops. Feel free to bend over a little, and look across the surface of the granite in order to better see what’s there. Then – gasp – WIPE IT UP. This is not a difficult technique. It only requires a moment of your time, and its use has been adequately demonstrated to you. In fact, it is the same technique I will be using after your mess has attracted every ant within a five-mile radius to set up a buffet line on our countertops. Thanks to the previously mentioned dark, heavily-patterned granite, said ants will be even harder to see than the mess which originally attracted them. The words coming out of my mouth at that point will have you completely convinced that a scene from The Exorcist is playing out in our kitchen.

Almost everything in the fridge is there for you to eat. It’s typically packed in clear containers, or is otherwise well-identified. Sometimes there is something obscured in a foil wrapping, completely without markings, residing behind a number of readily-recognizable items, and tucked wwwaaaaaaayyy back in the deepest, darkest reaches of the fridge. It was stowed this way knowing that 99.9% of the time, you can’t find anything that isn’t in plain sight, apparently because you are incapable of bending over and/or moving things to see what else might be there (see countertop discussion above). Nevertheless, some bizarre sixth sense tells you that TODAY it would be good to rummage through everything in the fridge. You will somehow find this one mysterious item. You will open it and discover something you find really yummy, usually some type of leftover meat. Although it should be obvious to you (from past experience) that this item was intentionally hidden, you will proceed to eat it without asking me. You should be prepared to hear a word or twenty from me about this. You should also be prepared to make a take-out run for dinner tonight.

I almost forgot... if you are a "chronically spilling guest" please note with your RSVP that you will require a sippie-cup. They wiil be provided upon request.

Well the only living being that comes into my kitchen anytime is my cat!!!!an thats fine by me he wants cat cookies fresh water an peach yogurt Brown cow creme on top .Okay my mom does show up from time to time to offer me goodies!!!

Wow! I startled a friend when she was using my Shun knife to scrape the garlic from the garlic press. A butter knife works just fine for that. The only metal my Shuns know is the steel. Please do not place my knives in the dishwasher. Please do not place my All-Clad nonstick expensive a$$ skillet in the dishwasher. After you sit at my table and eat a meal you took no part in preparing and suck the food from your teeth and proclaim it was good, please, God please, don't tell me I cook like white people. What the hell does that mean?!!

http://nujoikitchendiary.blogspot.com/2007/07/strange-bird.html

These comments are great. I guess I should count my blessings that my kitchen is not large enough for on more than on person to cook in. I will say Amen to the when I say dinner is ready that means NOW, this minute, come park you lazy but at the table and commence to eating, BUT If I say come help me get dinner on the table that does not mean park your butt at the table and then ask me to get you ice or ketchup or whatever you are going to defile my cooking with because"you are still standing up." "Setting" the table means plates, knives, forks, spoons. glasses for EVERYONE. Do not start eating until everyone ESPECIALLY me is seated at the table. Don't salt you food until you have tasted it (once you have tasted it that is perfectly acceptable). If you are invited to someones house for dinner SHOW UP ON TIME. I usually factor in 20-30 mins for late comers but after this I will be MAD if you cause my meal to be ruined or you interrupt everyone elses dinner by showing up late. If you were supposed to bring an item for said dinner you MUST be ontime.

Whew this topic DOES envoke some strong feelings, doesn't it??

My former boyfriend really insisted that everythng be neat and tidy--actually not a bad quality. However, I had to draw the line when he persisted in rinsing the roasted red peppers.

My current boyfriend is no longer allowed near the stove when I am preparing any sort of a meatball in a sauce. The first time I made meatballs in a red sauce for him and stepped away from the kitchen, I caught him at the stove with the potato masher saying "Why is this sauce so lumpy?"

Please do not stand around my kitchen while I'm cooking offering insightful tips on how I might do things better.

I had someone do this to me on thanksgiving and it damn near ruined my whole evening. it's like she was judging every &#*%& thing I did. it suuucked. she's one of my closest friends, and also likes to cook, and it took a lot of effort not to cry or scream at her rudeness.

also? she cooked one time in my kitchen and I let her use my great new knives. she dropped one of them. twice. bent the tip. O_o ugh.

LoCo, I am so with you on the stash. When I make something complicated or just plain long-cooking, like baby back ribs or porchetta, I always make plenty extra, and wrap up leftovers for the fridge or freezer.

So it's irritating as hell to find the wrappings in the trash, refuse from one person's midnight snack.

The other way to really piss me off is to leave garbage on the counter. Not washing dirty dishes, that's laziness and I can understand laziness. But actual garbage (the milk carton ring, empty cans) not making it 3 feet into the garbage can, I just don't get.

Luckily I no longer have to deal with roommates (DH aside). I try not to even think about it.

A new pet peeve, that's only started to come up over the past couple of years, is that I've now become unofficially responsible for cooking the entire holiday meal for whatever occasion at my mom's house. The task used to be spread among 3-4 people, but not anymore. I'm only 26, so I don't really expect to prepare every roast, side dish, and dessert for 20+ people in one day (give me an honest heads up and I'll work a day or 2 in advance, you know?). I manage, but for crying out loud don't expect the food to be ready by 2pm.

But okay, now I remember what really really irks me: when there is a gathering, if the food is running behind by an hour--and there are appetizers and munchies and people available--don't order a damn pizza to the house.

If I'm working at a cutting board or the stove, please don't reach around or over me, or into a drawer at my knees or generally anywhere real close without announcing your intentions first! I'm concentrating, and I'm not focused on what you need right at that moment. I'll get out of your way happily, if you'll just say "let me reach in that drawer for a second". But if you just hip check me, especially while I'm holding a razor sharp knife, that ain't cool.

here's another: i was dating a man who had been recently divorced. after we'd been seeing each other for a few months, he invited me over to his apartment for the first time. we spent the afternoon looking through his kitchen and then going to bed bath and beyond to replace the pots and pans that his ex wife had taken with her when she left. then we went to the market and bought things for dinner, which i had offered to cook.

my friend was a bit compulsive and couldn't rest until he had washed everything we had bought and put it away. i was prepping the vegetables for dinner at the sink when he chose to thrust a lethally sharp japanese paring knife directly under the faucet just as i was doing the same thing with a carrot. of course he stabbed me with the tip of the knife and i began bleeding profusely. i almost passed out from the shock -- i had to go put my head between my knees. and my friend was useless. he offered to go out to buy some bandaids but that was the extent of his ability to handle it or to comfort me.

i couldn't resist telling a colleague, a distinguished psychoanalyst, about it, and as you can imagine, she had a field day with the knife as an analogy for his manhood -- nuff said.

he was also worse than a teenage girl about what he would eat. we had some scallops, brussels sprouts, and a salad -- no bread, no potatoes, no dessert. i was so hungry by the time i left that i told him not to bother to walk me to the subway. { i was planning on getting a couple of slices of pizza on the way home.}

in case you were wondering, i'm not dating him anymore.

@ Jerzee - we must be married to men who are brothers because my mother-in-law is also a competitive dish/pot washer. Not only does she shadow me in the kitchen waiting to wash something but she leaps up from the table the instant she has finished eating to start the cleaning process. As a result, no one ever lingers over a meal, a conversation, etc. Hail to the martyr . . . because it's all done in the guise of "just trying to help." HA!

What a hilarious thread. Isn't it wonderful to get some things of our chests.

Minor quibbles in the scheme of things, but annoying to me:

1. Don't stand for half an hour in front of the open fridge to decide what you might like to take out.

2. Don't leave wet dishcloths lying in the sink. When you use one, squeeze out the water and put aside.

3. My kitchen in small, so if you want to talk to me while I am cooking, please stand in in the doorway and not in front of cupboard doors/drawers.

4. Put your used dishes into the dishwasher and make an effort to stack them properly.

You folks are just scrumptious. Some of the best, most appropriate ranting I've ever seen.

Don't compete with me in the kitchen, it's not a sport, it's an art. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it. Eating is a collaborative effort, try to collaborate. Act as if you'd like to be invited back.

Wow, there's a lot of hostility out there. With all that angst in the kitchen and around mealtime, no wonder folks pop antacids like m&m's! I was just going to empathize with stripeycat way back there about the rather halfhearted offers to clean up.
Let me set the scene. You have made sure the gougeres and roquefort tarts fill that little pre-dinner hunger of your guests, who have already had a few adult beverages, by the way. It's quite apparent there will be a reasonably nice dining experience to follow. Hello, does the table need setting? Oh, yeah... A lovely fresh microgreen salad, slicing homemade challah bread now. Can I get you any serving bowls? Ha! Pork Tenderloins with Cassis and Black Currant Sauce, Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes and Oven Roasted Green Beans with Lemon-Thyme Caramelized Shallot Butter. No comments. Have you put out a spread equalling that of a better restaurant and your family (children and mates, not spouse because he's the sous-chef) sits and shovels it in as though they dine like that everyday when you full well know they don't. No yums, no praise, no enthusiasum. What a buzzkill. None of the actual jumping up to clear the table as I've read previously, either. There are murmurs of lame offers to help and I really have never said "NO! I won't hear of it. You just sit there and look pretty." And yet, this is how it goes. The barstools at the island are kept warm while the guests finish their wine we have thoughtfully paired with the dinner. Their version of helping apparently is to give moral support from their perches about 5 feet away from the dishwashing area. As the dishwasher is done being loaded and my spouse and I have finished all the pots and pans it is usually exclaimed "isn't there anything I can do?" OMG... Then, just as I'm thoroughly getting P.O.'d about the ingratitude of these people I have raised (where did they really come from?) they crash in the living room with a comforter to take a nap. I certainly hope these people are more gracious when the hosts are not parental units.
I'm not asking for an academy award or anything but some sort of positive response could work here. And after that, they still know they'll always be invited back because we love to cook and of course it's family. The biggest issue with most of these posts is the cook being taken for granted. We just want some appreciation for all our efforts!

That was a great rant. Ever heard of the concept of "justifiable homicide"?

I'm late to this, but I'll rant anyway.

The whole extended family comes here for Thanksgiving (20+ people). Everyone walks into my small kitchen (with about 8 feet of counter space) and plops down their purses, presents and food contributions. I'm in the middle of trying to prepare a turkey and a ham, stuffing, potatoes, etc. in that same space. Never mind that there's an empty ten-foot dining room table in the next room.

Then there are the surprise dishes brought to the celebration that need to be reheated, but not in a microwave, since they brought them in aluminum foil trays. Sorry, the oven is booked solid for the afternoon.

And of course there are the conversations about the awful thing that happened to them at work while I'm trying to get the turkey out of the oven. I'm followed from stove to sink to fridge with non-stop dialog about whatever is important in their lives.

Arrrgghhh. Then dinner is served, with all dishes on the table. The alpha wolves stand up with their plates and start cruising the table to get to all the dishes, reaching over the elderly, the civil and the young. I was absolutely aghast when that happened this year.

Then after dessert is served and everything is cleaned up and the leftovers divvied up to the needier nieces and nephews, the sixteen-year-old who spent the day upstairs doing God knows what, comes down now ready to eat.

And this is why my husband and I are spending next Thanksgiving at Disneyworld.

Frederika,

I don't know, but I wish they would stop. Or at least give me advance notice so I don't bake a pumpkin pie when there's one on the way.

The ones that are most bothersome are the ones that require half an hour of heating and no one touches anyway. Hey, here's my famous gray spinach eggplant casserole... just pop it in the oven if you don't mind... oops, not the microwave, it's in a foil pan...

With a huge fireplace in the kitchen, the family invariably ends up there to sit. And watch. And chit chat. No one offers to help, not even to set the table. Then complains when dinner finally hits the table at 8:00, or later. Then complains because I don't ASK for help. An idiot can get out plates, napkins, and flatware, but in their credit, they all appreciate the home cooked meal EVERY night. Gotta love them, worts and all, I guess.

I also hate the "Nasty Sponge." My step-mom is a big believer in keeping the same kitchen sponge for a lifetime. It smells horrible! When I wash dishes at their house, I have to use a paper towel. How can you get the dishes clean with something so filthy??? I try not to think about it too much.