Through highly accurate and scientific means, The Onion has come up with the Top Thanksgiving Turkey Substitutes. Related: Ten Turkey Tips You'll Be Thankful For...
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If you wish that everything could be infused with the taste of smoky pork, the Hamork is for you. It's the ham-flavored fork that contains flavor "from tip to prong," reports Onion Radio News. Next up: vanilla-flavored spoons for desserts and potato-flavored steak knives....
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A 6-foot-tall woman with a high-pitched warbly voice must have really blended in. [The Onion]...
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The Onion The Onion reports that local man Jeremy Browning attempted to fit a nearly empty KFC bucket into his fridge by lowering the top shelf, transferring food items to the freezer, drinking half of a two-liter bottle of Pepsi, and filling the dairy compartment with smaller food items, like half a lime and a Ziploc bag of ground beef. Asked if there was ever a point during the reorganization of his refrigerator when he considered discarding the bucket and wrapping the remaining pieces of chicken in aluminum foil, Browning told reporters, "No."...
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The Onion's "News in Brief" reports a slight dialogue change in Death Of A Salesman, intended to promote the Footlight Dinner Theater's chicken special: "He's liked, but he's not well liked. Unlike that delicious rosemary chicken with fresh green peas and mashed potatoes, which everyone loves."...
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Chef Adam Scott demonstrates how to make an omelet. But not just any omelet—a Dream Omelet. Unlike a regular omelet, this one requires a shoehorn for cutting butter, eggs with "WW2" written on the shells, Robin Williams, lemons that turn into tomatoes, a dolphin, and some other things that have nothing to do with typical omelet-making. Watch the video after the jump to learn how to make this in your own kitchen! Or not....
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Milwaukee Brewers fans might have reason to get nervous. According to this report from the Onion, starting pitcher CC Sabathia and first baseman Prince Fielder keep envisioning each other as juicy chili cheese dogs and hamburgers on legs, which distracts from the game. Brewers manager Ned Yost had to step in and regulate, announcing that any player who attempts to devour another, no matter how scrumptious they look, will be subject to disciplinary action....
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A spot on Onion Radio News: "Despite the fact that 8-year-old Joshua Remmert can't stand the sight or smell of Annie's Homegrown mac and cheese, the young boy was forced against his will by his own mother to choke down an entire plate of the organic pasta yesterday."...
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"It's hot steamy food in your face right now." Sure, eating is fun, but it's just so darn time- and energy-consuming. Fortunately, The Onion News Network announces the fast food industry's latest development: wearable feedbags. "Something that we heard over and over again was, 'I really love your food; I just wish it wasn't so much work to have to eat it,'" says a fast food executive in the video. Obviously, the only way to solve this problem is to strap your food to your head. "Sometimes I don't feel like moving my arms, so this way you can just have it on your face, close to your mouth, so you don't have to pick anything up," says a man...
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In The Onion A.V. Club's latest "Taste Test" feature, a few intrepid eaters sample strange varieties of Asian Pringles. As if flavors like Spanish Salsa Pizza, Bruschetta, Smoky Bacon and French Consommé weren't entertaining enough, the hilarious review includes comments ranging from "These are more than adequate" to "They could have tennis balls in those tubes, and they'd taste just as good."...
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