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Entries tagged with 'The Onion'

Probably Something to Be Thankful For

Slice Adam Kuban 3 comments

From the Onion: "AUBURN, WA—James Stallard, 29, experienced feelings of profound loneliness and alienation Monday upon discovering that his home lay just outside the delivery zones of two nearby Domino's Pizza franchises. 'I am invisible, a nonexistent entity in the eyes of Domino's,' Stallard uttered while staring blankly out his third-story window...."... More

Delicious Products from Yu Wan Mei

Robyn Lee 1 comment

yuwanmei.com What's the best thing about satirical newspaper The Onion being sold to the Chinese? That "It's fish time!" according to Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Group. Poking around Yu Wan Mei's website uncovers many gems, such as their promotional video, a glorious company history, and—my favorite—a line of unique products featuring Taste Stick, Yu Wan Mei Miscellaneous Flavor Paste, and Yum-E-Freez Eel Milk, among other questionably useful items.... More

Video: ‘Taco Bell’s New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature,’ from The Onion

Carey Jones Post a comment

On The Onion’s morning news show video spoof “Today Now,” there’s a feature on Taco Bell’s new “100% Green Menu.” What makes it all green, you ask? None of the ingredients are taken from nature—so there’s zero environmental impact! “After all,” the fast food rep reminds us, “at Taco Bell, we have a long tradition of taking as little as possible from the natural world!” The video, after the jump.... More

Video: Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals for America After Visiting Denny's

Robyn Lee 12 comments

President Barack Obama had such high hopes for America...until he went to Denny's. Now he's aiming less for being a world leader and setting more reasonable goals for the American people: Before we reclaim global leadership, we must first stop eating six sausages and a pound of eggs covered in syrup for breakfast, and we must stop leaving the house in sweatpants. Is he asking for too much? Would you be willing to give up your mountainous plate of syrup-drenched sausages and eggs? Only time will tell. Watch the video after the jump.... More

Russia Takes Control of Struggling Burger King Chain

A Hamburger Today Robyn Lee Post a comment

The Onion: "Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin expects no changes for the company's core business model other than altering the firm's motto to say, 'Have it Our Way.' Said Putin, 'We are certain in time customers will come to enjoy... More

'The Onion' on What We're Buying at the Farmers' Market

Robyn Lee Post a comment

As I like to say, the only cheese worth buying is the one with its leaves still attached. Farmers' market specialties brought to you by The Onion.... More

Area Woman Will Eat Anything with 'Tuscan' in Name

Adam Kuban 1 comment

The Onion: "I'm not really sure if she even knows what makes food Tuscan, but there's something about that region-specific culinary modifier that she finds inordinately appetizing."... More

Just in Time for V-Day: K-Y Introduces New Line of Jam

Adam Kuban Post a comment

The Onion: "Johnson & Johnson, manufacturer of the nation's most popular personal lubricant, K-Y Jelly, held a press conference Monday to unveil its new line of K-Y Jam, which the company has touted as having 'that thick, homemade feeling you've been craving.'"... More

Dad Tests Limits Of a Cheesecake Factory Vibrating Pager

Erin Zimmer 1 comment

From the Onion: "..'I don't want to take it too close to the Best Buy, though, because all that electronic stuff in there might screw it up.' At press time, Reardon's wife and children were finishing their appetizers while Reardon was still trying to find a way to get off the roof of an Old Navy a quarter of a mile away."... More

'Breaking News: Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice'

Adam Kuban 3 comments

The Onion: "Though it appears likely the less-generous helping of rice was a simple oversight on the part of the employee, and was in no way a personal slight against you, you reportedly cannot help but think that you deserve just as much rice in your burrito as any other paying customer." [via Eric Alba]... More

'New Martha Stewart Recipe a Message to Her Enemies'

Adam Kuban Post a comment

From Onion Radio News [Warning: Audio set to auto-play]: "When you put a recipe like that together with so many hazelnuts, the message is clear: Do not fuck with me."... More

'People Like Food'

Adam Kuban 6 comments

The Onion: "And, when you really think about it, there's a lot to like about food. It tastes good and it's good to eat. That's all I can think of for now, but those two things alone make me like food. Furthermore, I just thought of something else: Food is probably the healthiest and best thing to put in your mouth. You can ask a doctor about that." [via Howard]... More

Top Thanksgiving Turkey Substitutes from 'The Onion'

Robyn Lee Post a comment

Through highly accurate and scientific means, The Onion has come up with the Top Thanksgiving Turkey Substitutes. Related: Ten Turkey Tips You'll Be Thankful For... More

L'Asso Pizza Guide in Next Week's 'Onion'

Slice Adam Kuban Post a comment

If you're not into the habit of picking up the Onion satirical newspaper, here's a reason next week. From an email we just got from the folks at L'Asso: The L'asso Pizza Guide—the definitive guide to pizza—will be carried as a NYC Onion insert (10/9/2008). The guide is a humorous and informational guide to pizza—from its humble beginnings in ancient times to its current incarnation as one of the world's favorite foods. It's been a year in the making!The one-of-a-kind guide chews on the anthropological aspects of pizza (Are you a dutiful dabber, a hi-fi folder, or a spicy sprinkler?),... More

New Fork Adds Flavor of Ham to Every Meal

Robyn Lee Post a comment

If you wish that everything could be infused with the taste of smoky pork, the Hamork is for you. It's the ham-flavored fork that contains flavor "from tip to prong," reports Onion Radio News. Next up: vanilla-flavored spoons for desserts and potato-flavored steak knives.... More

'The Onion' on Julia Child's Spy Games

Adam Kuban Post a comment

A 6-foot-tall woman with a high-pitched warbly voice must have really blended in. [The Onion]... More

Entire Refrigerator Rearranged To Accommodate Leftover KFC Bucket

Sarah Wolf 14 comments

The Onion The Onion reports that local man Jeremy Browning attempted to fit a nearly empty KFC bucket into his fridge by lowering the top shelf, transferring food items to the freezer, drinking half of a two-liter bottle of Pepsi, and filling the dairy compartment with smaller food items, like half a lime and a Ziploc bag of ground beef. Asked if there was ever a point during the reorganization of his refrigerator when he considered discarding the bucket and wrapping the remaining pieces of chicken in aluminum foil, Browning told reporters, "No."... More

'The Onion' Reports: Dinner Theater Play Reworked to Advertise Dinner Special

Sarah Wolf Post a comment

The Onion's "News in Brief" reports a slight dialogue change in Death Of A Salesman, intended to promote the Footlight Dinner Theater's chicken special: "He's liked, but he's not well liked. Unlike that delicious rosemary chicken with fresh green peas and mashed potatoes, which everyone loves."... More

In Videos: Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' From Recipe That Came To Him In A Dream

Robyn Lee 2 comments

Chef Adam Scott demonstrates how to make an omelet. But not just any omelet—a Dream Omelet. Unlike a regular omelet, this one requires a shoehorn for cutting butter, eggs with "WW2" written on the shells, Robin Williams, lemons that turn into tomatoes, a dolphin, and some other things that have nothing to do with typical omelet-making. Watch the video after the jump to learn how to make this in your own kitchen! Or not.... More

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