Oh boy oh boy oh boy, on Sunday the Patriots are playing in an interesting game for the first time since the leaves were alive, and the timing couldn't be better. The Pats are playing the Broncos in Denver. As always, we will pay tribute to the Patriots foe the only way we know how: with customized deviled eggs and Bloody Marys.
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This weekend the very good but fatally flawed New England Patriots are playing the very fatally flawed Washington Redskins. The Washington Redskins don't actually play in Washington or the other Washington: their field is in Maryland. How best to adulterate the standing Serious Eats Ultimate Bloody Mary recipe to make it a Bloody Maryland?
Sunday the Patriots play the Indianapolis Colts, who are the worst team in the league this year and maybe one of the worst teams of all-time. The Colts are usually good, because their quarterback is usually Peyton Manning, but he's got a stubbed toe or a broken neck or some damn thing, so now they're using men with names like Painter and Orlovsky, and good gravy are they awful.
With Thanksgiving behind us and the best days of our lives ahead of us (playoffs and who knows, maybe Nobel prizes or lottery victories or at least amicable out-of-court settlements), we've now entered the late-middle part of the NFL schedule, where even though the games get bigger each week, my interest starts to wane. This week, the Patriots will be beating the Cheez Whiz out of the dirty, rotten Philadelphia Eagles, and I will be eating and drinking as follows.
You need to stop using football as an example of Thanksgiving's charms. I love watching the NFL, but the annual Lions and Cowboys games that form the background noise to the Guthrie and the gluttony are the most overrated element of the day.
Since peak tomato season has passed and taken with it my connection for locally sourced tomato juice, it would be ecologically irresponsible to drink enough homemade Bloody Marys to predull the pain of watching the Patriots struggle against the Jets, so we'll probably end up at a beer bar for the afternoon. I have a great Bloody Mary alteration for youse this week, but I can't get to that until I finish complaining about how expensive it is to drink at bars in Boston.
This week the Patriots play the Giants, and now that Peyton Manning's injured, I'm sure I can drum up the energy to transfer my irrational hatred of that pleasant-seeming stranger over to his brother, Giants quarterback Eli. For the Bloody Mary, I will pay my respects to both my favorite alcoholic giant and my favorite sparkling wine. That's right, we're going to whip up an Andre the Giant Bloody Mary.
It's back to football this weekend for me and the Patriots and oooh lookie, they're playing the Steelers. I love it when that happens, because the Patriots tend to win and then the Steelers tend to make excuses. I'm on record as acknowledging that the Patriots aren't the most noble team to root for, but man, it's beats being a Steelers fan. John the soda boy is a Steelers fan, which is weird, because he seems like a decent human being. But decent human beings don't cheer for Ben Roethlisberger, do they?
The Patriots don't play again until Halloween Eve, which means this is shaping up to be a football-free weekend in our house. Both the Sunday night and Monday night games look terrible (the Colts are in one, the Jaguars the other), and Emily and I are going to take Sunday afternoon off from our jobs at the football-watching factory to go to Providence for the day. But this doesn't mean I won't bloody up some Marys and bedevil some eggs in the sport's honor.
BenJarvus scored twice last week and he may well do the same this week, because the Patriots and the Dallas Cowboys are going to score 75 points between them. I think the Patriots will have more of those points—say, 41 of them, which leaves the Cowboys with way too many but not quite enough.
This week the Patriots are going to beat the Jets, 27 to 13. Emily and I will be watching the game while we eat deviled eggs and drink Bloody Marys. Since New York is my favorite city, I will offer Jets fans the following NYC-themed recipe variations to enjoy whilst they watch that Sanchez kid continue to be awful at football.
This is a new week and a fresh opportunity to stick to my pledge to watch the entirety of every Patriots game at home. This week, the good guys will be defeating the unclean beasts from Oakland. Emily and I will be feasting on Raiders-inspired Bloody Marys and deviled eggs. Join us, won't you?
Last week I offended some of you with the profane suggestion that the Pats would beat the Chargers by a mere 9 points. This week I atone for that sin by guaranteeing a New England blowout. I expect something on the order of 48-21. The Bills have been bad for ages, and even though they've shown signs of life so far this season, good things don't come to those who choose to wait around in Buffalo. But I mean my imaginary Buffalonian friends no harm, and to prove it I will honor them with regionally appropriate alternatives to the standard Serious Eats recipes for Bloody Marys and deviled eggs.