PrintWhat's the Weirdest Thing You've Ever Seen in a Fancy Restaurant?
I read Frank Bruni's hilarious piece on the weird things people do in fancy-pants restaurants, and, ever since, I've been trying to compile my own list of the way-out-of-the-ordinary or downright aberrant behavior I have witnessed at white-tablecloth spots.
I am coming up empty. I have missed out. I've never seen anyone having sex or stripping or offering gratis caviar to tables. And damn it, I feel deprived. I think it would be fun to witness some shenanigans at Daniel or Per Se or the French Laundry or Alinea or Le Bec Fin. I long to watch three attractive women strip down to their panties and take a dip in the pool at the Four Seasons. In fact, that floor show might make up for the overpriced, less than stellar food I probably would have just finished eating.
So here's my Five Point Plan, my new approach, to eating in fancy-pants restaurants, designed to maximize my viewing pleasure.
- I'm not going to focus so much on my food. Food, schmood—there are spectacles to behold. If people are going to make fools of themselves, I cannot be swooning over the pork belly at Daniel.
- I'm going to start making 10 p.m. reservations. Don't you think you have a better chance of seeing out of control behavior at midnight instead of six? I bet you don't see anything interesting or salacious while eating early-bird specials. I haven't, and I do tend to eat early.
- I'm going to ask the maître'd and my server when I'm seated if there's any table or person in the restaurant I should keep my eye on. I figure the people doing weird shit are regulars who feel comfortable enough to do whatever they please. They practically consider themselves members of the restaurant "family."
- The sommelier and the bartender (if there is one) must know everyone's potential for mayhem, since they're the keepers of the spirits. I figure $10 each should pave the way for a heads-up.
- Make frequent trips to the bathroom. That's apparently where the action is. Maybe I should even ask to be seated near the bathroom.
What spectacles have you witnessed in fancy-pants restaurants? Are there any other tactics I should employ in my effort to get more bang for my buck at white-tablecloth restaurants?
Add a comment:
Previewing your comment:
HTML Hints
Some HTML is OK: <a href="URL">link</a>, <strong>strong</strong>, <em>em</em>
Comment Guidelines
Post whatever you want, just keep it seriously about eats, seriously. We reserve the right to delete off-topic or inflammatory comments. Learn more at our Comment Policy page.
If you see something not so nice, please, report an inappropriate comment.
6 Comments:
I once saw as a child a waiter making a tableside caesar salad get into a fight with another waiter. It was a throw down of Jerry Lewis/Dean Martin quality. While tossing the salad the waiter sloppily tossed some on a patron at the table next to it. She went totally bananas the waiter for that table tried to clean it off. She screamed her head off. The waiter from the other table confronted the salad waiter and the brawl went on. My parents kept right on eating. I always thought italians ate during armed conflicts. People with forks and knives are armed. When the brawl was over the two waiters were covered in caesar salad, the salad table got up and left and amazingly the woman with salad in her hair at the second table and her party STAYED!
One day ask me about the reason why i never order cherries jubilee.
JerzeeTomato at 8:31AM on 08/01/07
It's not that weird, but I once Sara Michelle Gellar (aka Buffy) dining alone. At first I didn't know it was her, and I asked our host to seat us a little further away from this unknown lone diner. All through my meal, I kept sneaking peaks to see if anyone would join her, but no one did. As I recall, she didn't really eat anything. It figures, with that figure and all.
And that reminds me, I think it's weird to eat with people who have eating disorders. I once watched a fellow intern, when I was in school, push food around her plate for 40 minutes. Sad, and a waste of money since we had to buy our lunch.
kathy in oakland at 10:49AM on 08/01/07
In the late 1980s, I was an assistant manager at Trumpet's, then the fine-dining restaurant at the Grand Hyatt New York. I doubled as a hostess, which required long shifts standing in Trumpet's very dark cocktail lounge, in which there was also a small bar with some seats on the farthest, darkest side of the room. The things that would go on in that lunge have given me stories I've dined out on for years. Women would leave for the rest room and come back without their pantyhose. Overcoats would be strategically arranged over laps.
The worst (best?) was one quiet night when a couple were the only people at the small bar, on the far, dark side facing the entrance. They were very VERY drunk and getting very very friendly. Suddenly, I noticed that the woman was in front of the guy, and that they'd gotten quieter. I snuck 'round the side of the bar and, sure enough, she was on his lap, with her skirt up around her waist, and...rotating.
I moved away, called security, who arrived quickly. But their appearance was enough--by the time they'd reached the far side of the bar, the woman was back on her chair and the guy was buckling his belt.
We used to opine that the vibes from being in a building filled with beds might be affecting people--we just never understood why no one took advantage of them.
klg19 at 11:32AM on 08/01/07
Let's remember that the Bruni article was about those dining under the influence not just of alcohol but also more potent stupefacients, i.e., drugs. I guess for some Haute Cuisine really is High Cuisine.
Fat and Happy Food Slut at 4:01PM on 08/01/07
FaHFS: Thanks for the link! I enjoyed the "guide."
Adam Kuban at 5:44PM on 08/01/07
Folks who get so intoxicated that they start to "act out" can't even begin to appreciate fine cuisine in the first place. Clearly these boors are bored with the food and need to make a spectacle of themselves.
Perhaps I'm more of prude than the gals who stripped down at the Four Seasons, but I've dined at all sorts of places in all states of mind. Sometimes hazy memories of the previous night's meal encroach on my hangover. But I've never felt the urge to get naked or, vomit on my companions. Clearly, it's an issue, but I don't see the point of devoting a huge feature article to such drunken antics.
Joey Deckle at 9:46PM on 08/01/07