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Canned Confessions

Posted by Leslie Robarge, March 5, 2007 at 8:00 AM

Photo credit: iStockphoto.com

The best recipe I own came from my mom. It was passed down to her from her mom, a first-generation Polish woman who, from what I remember, never actually cooked. Unfortunately, the recipe isn't from the Eastern European "homeland." And sadly, it wasn't lovingly passed down by my great grandmother. No, it's a recipe for Swedish meatballs.

And better yet, there's not one ingredient in it that's fresh. (Actually, that's a lie—the meat is fresh, thank goodness.) But why is that better? Maybe it's because out of all the figs I stuffed with gorgonzola, all the expensive pounds of gouda-goat I've charged to Visa, out of all the farm-fresh tomatoes I've diced for bruchettas, there's some indescribable satisfaction in knowing that the best appetizer recipe I own consists of one packet of Lipton onion soup mix, one can of Campbell's cream of mushroom soup, and one chicken-flavored bouillon cube. There's a teeny nugget of pride in knowing that what people are lapping up involved no chopping, grating, or reducing. And that this recipe, one that's totally unnatural (and let's not even talk about the sodium content), is the one that I'm asked to share the most, out of all the expensive, time-consuming, silly little dishes I have served. And it costs less than $10 to make.

I was thinking about all this while emailing the recipe to a new acquaintance after bringing the meatballs at a cocktail party. I started asking around to friends and fellow cooks for their completely unnatural and completely scrumptious recipes. Here's what I discovered besides the sad realization that although it is fun and ultimately healthier to cook with foods with actual expiration dates, I've been spending way too much time trying to think highbrow, instead of trying to think delicious.

The more unnatural the appetizer, the more popular.
Exhibit A: My meatballs. For some reason, 95 percent of the recipes sent to me were starters, and all were incredibly fattening. The one that's most popular: warm artichoke-spinach dip that consists of a small jar of artichokes, a shocking amount of mayonnaise, and a box of drained spinach. Sounds gross until you stick some warm, crusty bread in it and try it. "Freaking delicious," my friend Erin said.

You can do a lot with canned 'cream of' soups, except maybe eat them plain.
My friend Janessa's Italian grandfather makes his famous "traditional" linguine with clam sauce that consists of a can of cream of mushroom soup, a can of cream of celery, and a can of minced clams. ("And this is a man who cans his own home-grown tomatoes every year," she says. I first met him while he was salt-curing fresh tuna her dad caught that day.) Janessa swears the secret ingredient is his homemade pesto, but when that runs out, she uses whatever is at the deli.

Velveeta is still the king of 'cheeses.'
Gruyère may taste more complex, sharp Wisconsin cheddar may sound fancier, but this rubbery fluorescent orange cheese still aces when it comes to mac and cheese. Plus, Janessa adds, "When you're making this kind of comfort food, do you really want to spend $10 on a hunk of cheese?"

For dessert, nothing beats boxed cake.
My friend Lauren told me about her mom's famous bundt cake recipe, the base of which is a box of devil's food cake and a packet of instant pudding. The result is a super-moist, super-light confection that's totally addictive. "It's the only cake we ever let her make for our birthdays."

About the author: Leslie Robarge is a magazine editor and writer who lives in Brooklyn, New York.

RECIPES

Janessa’s Grandpa’s Clam Sauce for Linguine

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 garlic cloves, minced

1 medium white onion, chopped

1 can cream of mushroom soup

1 can cream of celery

1 can minced clams, drained

1 tablespoon pesto

In a large sauté pan, heat olive oil over medium heat. When hot, add onion and garlic; cook until just soft. Add the cream of mushroom, celery, and clams. Stir until combined and bring to a boil. Add pesto, reduce heat and let simmer for 15 – 20 minutes.

Judy Robarge’s Swedish Meatballs

For meatballs
1 sleeve of Royal Lunch Milk Crackers, crushed (1/2 box) [Note: Nabisco has discontinued RLMC. Reports are that Shoon Fatt Biscuit Company makes a similar product in its Cream Crackers. —Ed.]

1/2 cup milk

1 1/2 to 2 pounds ground sirloin

Salt and pepper to taste

3 tablespoons olive oil (this is a guess)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a bowl, add crushed crackers and just enough milk to moisten. Add ground sirloin, salt and pepper and mix with hands until just combined. Round out meatballs to about the size of a golf ball. Heat oil in a heavy-bottomed skillet over medium heat, and add meatballs until browned on all sides. Remove and let meatballs rest on a paper towel to soak up excess oil.

For sauce
1 package of dry onion soup mix

2 beef bouillon cubes

1 can cream of mushroom soup

Handful of fresh parsley, chopped

In a saucepan, make the onion soup as directed on package. Add bouillon cubes and cream of mushroom soup, combine thoroughly, and heat through. Put half-cooked meatballs in a roasting pan or Dutch oven, cover and bake for one hour. Serve with parsley.

Susan Murphy’s Mac and Cheese
- makes 6 servings -

2 tablespoons butter or margarine

1/4 cup flour

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon dry mustard

1/4 teaspoon pepper

2 1/2 cups milk, warmed slightly (in micro)

2 cups cubed Velveeta (8 oz.)

8 ounces elbow macaroni, cooked 7 min & drained

1/4 cup bread crumbs

Preheat oven to 375. In 2-quart saucepan, melt butter over low heat. Stir in flour, salt, mustard, and pepper until smooth. Stir 1 to 2 minutes until very hot. Remove from heat. Gradually stir in milk until smooth. Stirring constantly, cook over medium heat about 10 minutes or until thickened. Remove from heat. Stir in cheese until melted. Combine sauce with macaroni, and pour into greased 2-quart casserole. Sprinkle bread crumbs on top of casserole. Bake for 25 minutes or until slightly browned.

Chocolate Bundt Cake

1 package Dunkin Hines devil’s food cake

1 package instant chocolate pudding

1 cup sour cream

1/2 cup warm water

1/3 cup vegetable oil

4 eggs

1 1/2 cups regular semisweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Grease and flour a 12-cup bundt pan. In a mixing bowl, add all ingredients except chocolate chips, and mix until well combined. Stir in chocolate chips. Pour into prepared pan.

Bake for 55 to 60 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in center of cake comes out clean. Let cool 10 mintues. Remove cake from pan; let cool completely.

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