Last week, this list popped up on the popular, list-loving Buzzfeed: 16 Breakfast Cereals That Should Be Obliterated. I clicked on it excitedly. I do enjoy Buzzfeed, especially their Rewind articles on the Spice World movie or The Backstreet Boys.
So I settled in to yuk it up with some fellow cereal lovers, but was digitally slapped in the face by the first bold cereal name.
Grape Nuts. Now that's just uninventive; the 'Nuts are an easy target, leave 'em alone. Plus there's dozens of us (dozens!) who love them to death. I scanned the rest of the list and suddenly realized this was not your average Grape Nuts hate; these people went after innocent Corn Flakes, delicious Kix and most horrifying of all, Rice Krispies Treats Cereal.
Really?! What is this madness? I needed to express my rage in a public forum. I needed to tell you why this list is utterly unfunny, incorrect and a disgrace to cereal lovers everywhere. Am I taking this too seriously? Most definitely, people. They don't call us Serious Eats for nothing.
My Reactions to Buzzfeed's List of 16 Cereals That Should Be Obliterated
- Grape Nuts: Neither Grapes nor nuts. If it looks gross and it tastes gross it probably is gross. I don't even need to comment about this. You taste gross.
- Apple Jacks: Pink milk no thank you plus the grainy residue ick. What? I wish all milk was pink. Apple Jacks are incredible and unique and underrated. I friggin love Apple Jacks.
- Life: I asked for a cereal not a PhD. in philosophy. I'm not laughing. I didn't even crack a smile. Life is tasty and harmless, leave it alone.
- Muesli: Could you be any harder to pronounce or enjoy? Not really that hard. Oh, and muesli is so delicious that even cereal haters love it. It's trail mix and granola and everything good and nutty and grainy in this world.
- Kix: Too spherical the bimbo of cereals. Kid-Tested Mother Approved and you bring your filthy bimbo joke into this? For shame. Kix are one of my all time favorites. NEXT.
- Rice Krispie Treats Cereal: What's the matter Rice Krispies aren't good enough for you Snap Crackle and Pop are rolling in their graves. I don't know what bothers me most: that they misspelled the name, that the photo they used to slander RKTC's beautiful name is from MY article or the fact that Rice Krispies Treats Cereal is one of the most delicious foods in existence.
- Cream of Wheat: How could you eat that and not get sad. Disqualified, not a cold cereal, not in the same category. Oh, and Cream of Wheat is awesome.
- Chex: Want proof that Chex sucks? The only time anyone likes it is when it's with other stuff. WRONG WRONG COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG. I have room in my heart for Corn Chex, Wheat Chex, especially deliciously plain Rice Chex. Have you fools even tried the deliciousness that is Chocolate Chex? Or Cinnamon Chex? I can't even ... Chex rules.
- All Bran: Note to Mr. Kellogg the point of most cereal is to disguise the Bran. Ok All Bran is kind of gross. I'll allow this one.
- Trix: The Rabbit must have diabetes by now amirite. Ok, again, this I'll allow. Trix really ain't all that good. Love it as a kid but yeah. It's kinda gross.
- Wheaties: I've only been awake for ten minutes and now I have to stare at people who've achieved more than I ever will. Stop whining and take a bite of the Wheaties. One of the most underrated cereals out there. Delicious.
- Cookie Crisp: Hey as long as you're fooling your self why don't you just use Haagen Dazs instead of milk. This comment makes no sense, but I will say that Cookie Crisp is not a good cereal. At all.
- Corn Flakes: MMM how about some corn on the cob pulverized and flattened into a flake-like consistency yum oh wait no. Seriously though, was this supposed to be funny? I'm just confused by the comment. Corn Flakes are utterly delicious and actually, I almost exclusive want to eat pulverized corn products.
- Oatmeal that comes in a packet: Life tip nothing good hot comes in a packet Ok, I guess I can give them this one though I totally disagree. Swiss Miss 4 life.
- Cap'n Crunch: Hope you weren't too attached to the roof of your mouth. Fair. But in all honesty, I'm not too attached to the roof of my mouth so, the Cap'n and I will be making it happen.
- Special K: So its only for ladies misandrist piece of crap. Don't care all that much that it is questionably marketed as a diet item for women. The cereal is friggin tasty as hell. That's all that matters to me.
In conclusion, this list left me annoyed, unsmiling, and desperate to commiserate with fellow cereal lovers. Please tell me you agree. Maybe this list was meant to be a joke. WELL I AIN'T LAUGHIN'.
Oh and in case you were wondering, here is my shortlist of cereals that should be obliterated:
- Honey Bunches of Oats Fruit Blends Banana Blueberry
- Honey Bunches of Oats Fruit Blends Peach Raspberry
- Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats Strawberry Delight
- Golden Crisp
- Dulce De Leche Cheerios
- Cookie Crisp