You've seen this right? Charlie Sheen has his own parody cooking show on Funny or Die. Some quotes:
"Face it, I am living the life of a rockstar Vatican assassin. And if you eat like me, you can be like me."
"This is not a spatula. It's a cooking wand — for a warlock. ... This is not a bowl. It is a cauldron — of awesomeness."
"I killed this cow myself. Winners stalk and kill their own food without earthly weapons. I'm not some mouthbreather in a drive-thru gorging my piehole on mass-produced monkey grub."
Whaddya think, SE'rs? The next Food Network star?