Naked Cowboy oysters. Giddyup! [Photograph: Kathy YL Chan]

Our email trash bin is bursting with ridiculous press releases from Valentine's Day. Something about the holiday inspires folks to write promotions that make you say, wait did they really just write that?! Here's a smattering of the so-bad-they're-good, or just straight up bad ones (you decide).

• "Don't Let Fat Bloom Ruin Your Sweetheart's Valentine's Day: Giving chocolate to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day is a time-honored tradition. However, what you don't want is to give chocolate that has a chalky white film on the surface, known as fat bloom." Oh no, not fat bloom!!
• "The first five couples who propose marriage this February 14 at one of Kellari's three romantic establishments in NY or DC will receive LIFETIME FREE DINNER on Valentine's Day OR their wedding anniversary (lover's choice). They will also get a free bottle of champagne this Valentine's Day. All customers need to do is make a reservation for February 14, propose during dinner, and show us the ring!" Free Dinner for life! With a catch (we also mentioned this earlier).
• "Sweeten Up This Valentine's Day With A Special and Slimmed Down Treat: nothing says I love you like a making your sweetie a batch of delicious Red Velvet Cupcakes - with a slimmed down makeover! Homemade and from the heart, one easy adaptation cuts 60 calories per cupcake from the traditional recipe." Translation: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, YOU'RE FAT.
• "Valentine's Day is just around the corner and that means finding the perfect something for your loved ones. Show how much you appreciate that special valentine by giving them the gift of convenience, quality and taste with a Nespresso CitiZ espresso machine in Fire Engine Red." ZOMG, it's fire engine red, how romantic!
• "The oyster is considered nature's ultimate aphrodisiac, where the executive chef [name redacted] has selected the Naked Cowboy Oyster from Port Jefferson, Long Island, as his number one bi-valve for cupid's arrow to follow. 'The Naked Cowboy is a sexy oyster for your Valentine,' says the Bishop of Bi-Valves. 'It's extremely high in zinc content!' " The obligatory oyster press release.