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Recap: Top Chef DC, Episode 3

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Another week, another episode of Top Chef! This week, the contestants stumbled through a pastry-themed quickfire, and chef Jonathan Waxman stopped by to judge the elimination challenge. There were fights, there were laughs, and there was even a hilarious fly-by goosing. And it's all ahead in this week's recap!

[Warning: Spoilers ahead!]

World's Worst Use Of An Exercise Ball

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Congratulations, Amanda! You won first place! Here's to hoping next week, we won't see you shaving your legs on a Total Gym.

The Quickfire

This week, the chefs were simply asked to make a pie from scratch. And who better to judge the quickfire than pastry master/sideburn lover Johnny Iuzinni? (crickets)

Apparently, he and Gail Simmons are going to be hosting the new Top Chef: Just Desserts show, which hopefully won't be half as lame as it sounds. Spinoffs are usually horrible, though, so I'm not getting my hopes up. I mean, seriously, have you seen Cupcake Wars? I rest my case.

This week's quickfire didn't go so well for the chefs. You'd think Padma asked them to disarm a bomb with all the bitching and moaning they were doing: "Wahhh, I've never made a pie before! Wahhh, I don't cook desserts!" Suck it up, guys. The show is called Top Chef, not Top Incompetent Whiny Bitch. If you can't make a simple pie, there's a wonderful culinary opportunity open for you: it's called "fry cook at McDonalds."

Poor Tracey. She did the worst. She didn't add any thickening agents, so her "blueberry almond crumble" came out more closely resembling "wet, runny, blueberry snot." And really, who doesn't love that?

Kenny pulled out another strong performance this week, and his pie looked delicious. He made a bananas foster with currants with Chinese five spice, and he was named the winner of the quickfire. Kenny was given immunity for the elimination challenge as well.

Elimination Challenge

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Next up, the chefs had to grill a picnic lunch for 150 Capitol Hill interns at George Washington's Mount Vernon Estate and Gardens. Everyone was excited to get out and enjoy the nice weather. That is, except for Arnold, who was afraid the smoke from the grills would ruin his complexion. (Insert 30-second eye roll here).

While the picnickers played croquet and badminton (people still do that?), the chefs fired up their grills and started cooking. Once again, Tracey struggled, and actually asked someone how to "turn the heat down" on her charcoal grill. And you thought Alicia Silverstone was Clueless?

Meanwhile, Alex made a pork butt, and took the opportunity to utter what might be the filthiest food statement in Top Chef history. "I think I have the winning dish," he said. "It was really tasty. I would wanna eat the ass out of this pig all day." Ew. You might wanna keep that to yourself next time, buddy.

The Tasting

Jonathan Waxman, the Obi-Wan Kenobi of Top Chef Masters, served as guest judge for the elimination challenge. Things were moving along swimmingly, until he and the crew got to Tim's table. Suddenly and without warning, a few Canadian geese swooped down out of the sky and almost hit judge Gail Simmons in the head. Gail and Tom Colicchio awkwardly contorted their bodies to avoid avian impact. Waxman, however, didn't move a muscle. There he sat, completely undisturbed in the wake of the frightening fly-by goosing. Obi-Wan Kenobi, indeed.

The geese actually crapped all over Tim's table. And the funniest part? Later, after Padma had tasted—and been disappointed by—Tim's food, she joked, "Maybe the bird knew something we didn't." GIRL, YOU SO FUNNY!

Watch Out, Dionne Warwick!

In this week's behind the scenes footage, Tracey went around telling everyone she was a clairvoyant with 85% accuracy. I kid you not. She demonstrated her tremendous psychic abilities by telling Andrea her husband would soon be "going in a new direction." Really? Where's that? To the hot blond at the food court in the mall? Whatever. Don't quit your day job, Tracey.

The Results

Arnold was named the winner of the elimination challenge. The judges loved his sesame lamb meatballs with tabouli salad and gazpacho. Still no word about the damage done to his pores, though. We'll bring you more news as soon as it becomes available.

Tracey, Stephen, Tim, and Kevin were the bottom performers tonight, but Tracey was ultimately kicked off the show. She made Italian sausage slider burgers, which Tom deemed "insulting to Italians." Waxman even said his ten year old son could have done a better job. Ouch. Burn!

Too bad Tracey the psychic didn't see this coming. Such a pity, isn't it?

And that brought this week's episode to an end! What did you think of the episode, Serious Eaters? Was it Tracey's time to go?

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