"They're even worse than normal muffin bottoms."

[Photographs: Robyn Lee]

Nothing about Eggo Mini Muffin Tops are right. Though adorable at first—because the only thing cuter than muffin tops are mini muffin tops—they fail at life. Flat and poof-less, they're not even trying hard to be authentic muffin humps.

Stick with the left side.

The four stuck-together "tops" come in both blueberry and chocolate-chip varieties. Waiting for them, you smell that familiar Eggo aroma and think, how bad can toasted, not especially healthy breakfast treats be? "Best Part of the Muffin," advertises the box. So true, you think, recalling the famous Seinfeld episode when "Top of the Muffin To You" dumps all the rejected stumps in front of the homeless shelter. Ah, classic. Eggo must really be onto something here.

But then, they suck.

The blueberries taste like chemicals, the texture is not fluffy, and the shrunken size just doesn't work here. Isn't part of the experience picking away and grazing on a big, round, voluptuous top? Dinky and unauthentic, these "tops" are even worse than normal muffin bottoms.

We should have guessed from the familiar Eggo waffle smell that they'd taste just like the waffles. If you're into that, just go buy the waffles. And if you're into muffin tops, behead an actual muffin.

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