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Personally, I feel that some people just don't think much about tipping. I agree with you that there is the class element in there, and I also agree that a bad tip, is a bad tip, is a bad tip...but I also feel that there are those who truly calculate a tip based on their experience, but the majority of the ignorant (in this case, ignorance to how waiters/waitresses earn a living) dining public simply views tips as "extra" or a "bonus." Which, in a sense, I suppose it is "extra" to the bill, but in this case, it is essential to the way people in your business make money. Its a tricky situation. I think more people should just read your blog :P. By the way, if its any consolation, I always tip at least 18% and usually more if service was good. Keep up the good work blogging and waitressing, Ms. Howard, you have your supporters, too!

Hannah, I say bravo to this post. I am also a server, and I was blown away - in fact, appalled - by some of the harsh comments that you received with your last post. I thought that you handled the situation with aplomb and tact, and did it with the very best intentions. Your post today proves, to me, that you did what you did thoughtfully - not a knee-jerk reaction of "Hey, they stiffed me!" I think that your reaction and actions were right on and appropriate, and I think that your analysis of the uncomfortable reactions by the readers was also right on.

I think you're entitled to say whatever you want. Everyone will always have different opinions but if you really, truly wanted to make sure everything was OK so that you could improve your service or make sure that whatever had ticked them off didn't happen again then you're actually doing your customers a service by paying attention.

People do make honest mistakes - servers forget to input orders, diners miscount their cash so I think a simple inquiry is within your rights as a server. As long as you're not being pushy, which it certainly didnt' sound like you were, I think it's fine.

Just my 2 cents!

I can't speak for everyone, but I get a little nervous when figuring the tip. Presumably, the amount reflects my satisfaction with the server's performance, but it makes me feel like my performance as a restaurant guest/dining companion is being evaluated, too. I wouldn't mind it at all if the service charge were to be automatically included.

I think people are uncomfortable about (the idea of) being confronted about tipping (and about the topic generally) because they don't want to be seen as "cheap" and/or don't want to feel like they're being judged.

That being said, Hannah, you did nothing wrong here, I think. The downside to tipping is how little information it communicates to the server. Does a 10% tip mean that service was bad? Or does it mean that the person doesn't tip well? Frankly, it would probably be useful if more servers asked customers why tips were low. The problem is doing it in a non-confrontational manner, which I'm not sure is possible. No one wants to be confrontational - the server doesn't want to confront the customer, and generally too the customer doesn't want to confront the server if something isn't right, and instead the interaction becomes passive in the form of a low tip. But actually telling the server what's wrong would potentially useful to all involved.

All that being said, I don't understand low tippers. It is exceedingly rare that I encounter a truly bad server. My wife and I generally go to places (because of our income) where the cost per person is around $25-$30. In those situations, I tend to tip between 20-25%. What gets me is that, in those situations, the difference between 15% and 20% on a $60 bill is $3. Even on a $100 bill, the difference is $5. Why not just spend the extra $3-5 and make someone's day a little better? It's just $5, but what it communicates to the server just in terms of being nice, I'd imagine, is worth more than that.

I'm still amazed how frequently people drop an insufficient amount of money for their share of a check. It's actually gotten to the point where there are certain groups of friends I'm a little bit leery about going out to eat with. Invariably, I'm going to end up managing the money, and I'm going to have to tell people "No, $20 is not enough for your $18 meal plus tax and tip. Cough it up" And that, too, is awkward. But failing to speak up means either shorting the server (unacceptable) or putting out more of my own money to cover the shortfall (argh). So, the awkwardness is everywhere. I don't feel you were out of line for checking in with the group, but I'm sure it made an already awkward situation even more uncomfortable. :-/

an excellent rebuttal, hannah. i think you nailed it on the head with the stepping out of class analogy.

confrontation is never easy .... even when done with style and grace.

By default service at a restaurant should be courteous and efficient. There are plenty of crappy waiters and equally crappy customers.

The last thing I want to do when at a restaurant is have a therapy session with my server when service falls below this default level figuring out what is wrong and how to fix it. It is management's job to ensure that this level of service is there to begin with.

A gratuity is a reward for good service - the sense of entitlement that it should be more than that is a reflection of what society has become.

I commented last week and want to do so again to say that I admire you for putting your stories out there for everyone to read and judge. As a server I feel more comfortable with my manager handling such a situation but can't say enough about servers who actually care enough to make a situation right! There are too many of them out there who just don't care and are passing through to make a quick buck. Keep it up Hannah!!

Thinking about it a bit more, perhaps the solution is to include a small survey-style question at the bottom of receipts asking the customer, when signing the receipt, to indicate on a 1-5 scale the quality of the service. It would give people the option of indicating bad service without having to confront the server directly but would give both the server and management information about the perceived quality of service.

On the other hand, I could also see how (understandably) servers might completely hate that idea.

I agree with other readers that I would not return to a restaurant where the server had approached me. And while that may be "fine by you", you are not in the position to choose who patronizes the restaurant that is owned, managed, and operated by a team of people with far more invested than you. As part of the staff, your job is to get everyone to return. That's why it's called 'hospitality'.

People who have the option of choosing gratuity-based jobs, such as being a stylist, taxi driver, or bartender, over wage-based jobs, such as store clerk, are making a choice. They are gambling that, ultimately, their net income through tips will average more per hour than a wage-based position. But you are not entitled to anything- that is why it is called a gamble.

For the record, I almost always tip 20% and I've worked based on tips. But I know that, sometimes...that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

I am interested in how you view tips based on the actual job, it still seems like there is a big difference between really waiting on a table and pouring wine/passing out small plates at the bar. If you place an order to go and the hostess pours you a glass of water should you tip 15-20% if at all? How about deliveries?

I think there needs to be some distinction between tip breakdown and services rendered, a 2 hour meal at a table is a much more involved process than an hour of drinks and snacks.

Same applies for bartenders who open a bottle or mix a real drink, either way they're probably getting $1-2 but it hardly seems fair.

you lost me with this one. i thought what you described in your previous post was completely reasonable and i admired the way you handled the situation.

but to me, this post is filled with an air of entitlement that is really off-putting. i don't need a sociology lesson to explain the "power dynamic" i'm experiencing as a diner.

if a server is friendly and the service is adequate, I usually give 20% of the total. if the server just goes through the motions they get double tax. other people do it differently. they do what they see others do. they do what they can, or they tip cheaply and recite some lame rationale like Mr. Pink.

all that aside, explaining a huge cross-section of people's behavior in one paragraph is as inane as then prescribing the way they all should behave.

I was a member of a group of diners - 5 couples - that were splitting one check. As the money was collected, the tip was mistakenly forgotten. Our server approached as we were leaving the building, bringing the fact that we left her less than $10.00 for a $900.00 bill. We were mostly embarrassed, but also grateful for her doing this. It was completely appropriate for her to act.

"A few people declared that they would never return to my restaurant if they were in my guests’ shoes. That’s fine by me. No restaurant likes to host bad tippers."

Except that the people you confronted weren't bad tippers; they made a math error.

I'm with the commenters on the previous post and the vast majority of the commenters above--you were rude.

I agree this post rubbed me the wrong way, as if you were schooling all of us on proper etiquette YOUR way. I wish I could also unsubsribe to this banal nonsense.

A tip, by definition, is optional. And in the case of a patron - waiter relationship, it is supposed to be decided on by the patron in response to the performance of the waiter.

I agree with the comments above that mentioned the sense of entitlement that some waiters seem to have.

Regarding this specific article, it's totally understandable to ask someone about a less than expected tip - if only to understand why and figure out how to improve your own performance.

isn't there a world of difference between "you owe me a bigger tip (because 15-20% is the social convention)" and "was there a problem with the service?"

if you claim to use the tip to communicate something, you should be able to handle the latter question. the wait staff is asking you to clarify what left you unsatisfied.

p.s. anyone else reminded of that scene is "crash"?

What kind of server doesn't tip for takeout!?! It took being a server for me to realize that I should've been leaving money for take out all along. Do I tip 20%? No. But I throw a few bucks in the tip jar (usually around 10%) at the chinese place, pizza place, etc. They work just as hard as you do, princess, and someone STILL had to bag it all up, make sure I had the proper utensils, condiments, etc, and make sure the order was right. I bet if your place did much of a steady takeout business - usually picked up at the bar - we'd have to listen to you complain about people not tipping you correctly on the takeout. Who are you to decide who works harder? Sure, they might make minimum wage, but you're aware of what that is, right? At the end of a busy Friday or Saturday night, haven't you ended up making over $20, $30, sometimes even $40 an hour?

I know how much it sucks to get a bad tip or the "verbal tippers" who trip all over themselves to tell you how great you and everything were, and still leave you what you consider a substandard tip. It's also not your fault the people that don't pay attention, order it up, get sticker shock, and then stick you on the tip because they just don't have enough. Trust me. I get it. It's infuriating. It's not your fault the bar is backed up, or the kitchen is in the weeds, or their table wasn't ready when it was supposed to be, but you're the person they can stick it to. But, at the end of the night, doesn't it almost always wash out to be at least 20%? You take the good with the bad, bitch to your coworkers, and have an extra drink after your shift... and come back and do it the next day.

Oh, and in the case of the people you confronted, who paid you CASH, I would've cashed the check out and given the money (even though the told you to keep it) and a copy of the bill back to them as if you didn't hear them tell you to keep it and said, "Here's your change. Enjoy the show." and walk away. 9 times out of 10, when seeing that their "change" was only 5 bucks on almost 70, they would realize their mistake and rectify it.

I am making a living from tips and as a on duty manager while in grad school. In NYC. I get it. And sometimes it's infuriating! But, confronting a customer is just gross and awfully pretentious.

I hope you're throwing 30+ percent tips around all over town, Hannah.

I don't understand all the hoopla.

Say you in school. You are expecting an A and get a C. You thought you were doing well, that the professor liked you, that your work was good. Would you not go to the professor and ask what you did wrong? Isn't that what Hannah has done? Wouldn't you do the same if your bonus/raise/review was less than you expected?

From what I recall she never demanded anything. All she did was ask them to reconsider the amount they left or an explanation so that she could resolve any issues she had missed.

This reads like a paper I wrote in college about Hegel's Master:Slave dialectic. It's a bit too pedagogical - maybe that's why it sort of comes off the wrong way. I agree that it is important to speak up if something is wrong and not be passive aggressive via the tip. However, to imply that people are uncomfortable with tipping due to a master/slave relationship is distorted. I think that you have to look at this as an exchange of goods or a business transaction. The customer is paying for the meal and then for the service. And if the service is bad, then why pay more than is reasonable? If you think of it as a contract, i.e., the meal is a fixed cost that cannot be negotiated, and the tip is a fee that will be determined by the quality of services rendered and is up to the discretion of the customer, then you see that it's not up to the customer to pay a fixed percentage no matter what. Unless a menu states that a tip MUST be a certain amount, the customer is under no obligation to pay what the server believes is fair. In this case, fairness is a combination of institutionalized standards and the customer's discretion (and as every customer comes equipped with a different set of expectations and experiences, the tip will vary). The system is certainly not in the favor of the server, but I wouldn't say that it's up to the customer to make up for any perceived inequity. Nor would I say that people get bristly when confronted about tips because of class tensions. I think that it's more that customers don't want the server to determine the dollar value of the services rendered to them since it's not up to them - their role is to do their job and then they must step out of the negotiations - it's more of a contractual issue in my opinion. Well written article though - I enjoyed reading it and I understand your frustration. The system needs to be reformed.

The waitstaff questioning their gratuity feels like an ungrateful child asking why he didn't get 2 toys instead of 1 for his birthday. You were shaking by the end of the confrontation because inside you obviously felt you were doing something wrong.

I feel like what you did takes away our right to reward or punish you based upon your service in a non-confrontational way. Do you want every customer you've wronged to tell you to your face before they tip you? It's much nicer to smile, nod, and leave you as disappointed as we were in your service. It's not up to you to determine what kind of service your guests expect.

@ Dash of Sass

Waitress: 6 years and counting
Manager: 8 years and counting
Bartender: THIRTEEN YEARS and counting

I put myself through undergrad (Boston), a Master's program (NYC), and currently a PhD program (also NYC) "serving" others.

So, you know, I have more than adequate experience to back up my opinion, and a very, very low student loan debt burden as a result of obviously doing something right all these years.

I didn't comment on the first post, but I want to say I'm with you. I once saw a waitress confront the next table after they left a $1 tip. The service hadn't been bad - they were just trying to be cheap - and I thought she was in the right. Yes, it's a customer's right to leave a lousy tip, for whatever reason, but if you don't have the guts to deal with the awkward situation that just might result from a $1 tip on a $60 meal, get takeout. Same thing if you think the service was bad. If the waiter has the courage to ask you, s/he can deal with your answer.

@ lanthis

You use your tip to "punish" your server? That's just being a prick. I guarantee you that 90% of the time, whatever ticked you off isn't the servers doing.

I've worked fine dining where we weren't allowed to clear plates on the table until every one was done. However, when I'm done personally, I like my plate removed. People get ticked when they had to ask me to clear a plate when everyone at the table wasn't finished and I get it, but if I cleared a plate before the table was finished, my Manager would jump down my throat because "that's not how we did it".

That time that the kitchen got weeded and it took 45 minutes to get dinners out? Not my fault, but lots of people took it out on me.

Annoyed that it took five minutes to serve drinks to the table when everyone "just ordered" a glass of wine? Well this one place I worked required we pour glasses at the table and could only bring one bottle to the table at a time. So, the six of you that all order a glass of something different? Six trips. Not my choice!

I've worked at the rowdy college bar where the unofficial policy was that no one got shut off ever, no matter how drunk they got. Conversely, I've worked at the limit of 2 LI Iced Tea place, where people would screw me on the tip because I wouldn't serve them more.

Of course, if you've never done it, you wouldn't even think of these things. As someone who has done this for a long time: if you were pleasant, my order was right, you noticed when my drink was empty and offered a refill, etc - that's all I can ask.

My problem with Hannah here is not that she complained about a bad tipper. We all do that. It's that she had the gall to confront them, brag about it on line, and then "teach us all a lesson" about how tipping should be done.

Give me a break!

And another thing: I've worked several places where servers are assumed to make 15% of their sales in tips,and taxes are withheld based on that assumption. So if I get stuck doing a ton of tipless takeout orders or have poorly tipping tables, I LOSE MONEY WORKING!!!
This is not customers' fault- its bad management and IRS practice. However, I don't think that many non-industry folk are aware of this. As I said above, I think that if patrons view tips not as a bonus but as direct payment of wages, they will be more sympathetic.

At a restaurant this past New Year's Eve my wife and I ended up with a bill of about $200. We'd had a bit too much to drink and I was mathematically challenged and ended up tipping $20, though I'd meant to leave $40. I realized it the next morning, went to the restaurant and gave the manager $20 and asked that he make sure our server got it and an apology.

Not everyone thinks tipping is optional. Many of us do understand that it's how servers pay the rent, the electric bill, and the baby sitter.

Thanks for the work you do!

I don't think a server inquiring about a tip is a bad thing if it's done tactfully. Most servers I know have a "second sense"; you guys know who's cheap and who's just bad at math.
Oddly enough, I had a situation like this last week. A member of our party mistakenly left tip on a portion of the bill, something that probably happens often when bills are split cash/card. It was a mistake, and easily solved, but the server chose to approach with the billfold in hand and say "you made a mistake, you're supposed to tip 18% on the whole check." then hovered and and asked if we understood over and over while we tried to do the math in our heads. At that point we chose not to correct it because her attitude ruined what had been a very nice night. What was an honest error became a commentary on the service. When we declined to add additional tip she yelled at us in the middle of the very nice and otherwise quiet restaurant until we walked out, her still ranting behind us. Was $6 really worth losing our future business plus that of the friends and neighbors we'll tell?
We were embarassed and angered, and in foul moods for the rest of the evening.
Moral: Mistakes happen. Not all diners are cheap and rudeness is not rewarded. Yelling at me will not make me open my wallet but being polite and discreet might have netted her a bigger tip by way of apology.

I don't blame you at all for asking if everything was ok, especially on a large party. This is your chosen profession for the time being. Additionally, being waited on int he United States is not a free service, and it is only minimally subsidized by the restaurant itself. On a smaller party, or a smaller percentage of discrepancy, I would have let it go. However, and this comes from someone who worked the entire decade of her 20's at several levels of the restaurant/service industry, I think in this case you did the right thing.

The theory and practice of tipping can be very emotionally loaded in the United States, and I fail to understand this dynamic. I feel very strongly that people who don't want to tip should get their food to go and eat it at home.

Holy crap. There is never not an exception to a rule. I think those calling Hannah rude are simply ignoring the circumstances of the situation. She was never arguing that you should go up to someone who has given a 15% tip and complain, but suggested that it's within her right as a waiter to understand why she was given a surprisingly low tip.

If only to understand why/never let it happen again - It's one thing to say that a tip should reflect service, but it's a complete cop out to refuse to stand up to your choice to tip low when you make it. Hannah asked if "everything was okay." not "why did you leave me a low tip, asshole." The latter would have been rude. The former allows a server who cares to improve for the next table, and/or brings to attention errors in calculation that the diners might have made.

Servers aren't machines, people. They're people! Treat them with the same respect that you'd treat a coworker (unless you're actually an asshole, in which case treat them better)

Chiming in to make sure the balance of responses is somewhat accurate. You did the right thing. Anyone who is offended at being asked politely about a tip needs to ask themselves why it bothers them so much. Chances are good it's a guilty conscience. If you tip appropriately you should have no problem justifying it, and if you screw up you should want to know.

Of course, this assumes we are talking about thinking people in the modern world, where we strive to treat everyone with respect regardless of position. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who still need to get with the program!

Wow, I'm really of two minds about this. On the one hand, I can totally empathize with the server's perspective on this. Habitually lousy tippers deserve to be called on their stinginess. Plus, as a diner who tips fairly generously, I hate bad tippers because they contribute to exactly this kind of antagonistic server-patron relationship.

On the other hand, if I were a restaurant owner and found out that a server was bugging customers over tips, and very likely driving away business, I would be incredibly pissed off. As an employer, I would be very unhappy with any employee who did anything to drive away paying customers -- especially in a precarious economic climate, where restaurants need every single regular diner, even if they are bad tippers.

Ah, well. Since I tip well and I'm not a server, I got no dog in this fight. Carry on.

Everyone settle down.

It's all about the finesse. Hannah handled the situation with finesse. Everyone else just seems to be venting their opinions on their ideas of tipping.

Listen, there are fucking assholes like me, who will push a server to the limits. We ask hard questions like: where do you get your chickens, "...could you refill my coffee sometime today?", and "..could we please get our check?" Serving is a professional job. They have to be able to deal with these assholes and nice people all equally well. It's hard. I know, there are tons of servers out their cringing because I said it's a professional job, thinking, not for me it isn't, but it is and if it isn't then hurry up and find your thing.

Hannah takes her job seriously and we become better people and customers because of her finesse at sharing these stories.

I do think that we all could benefit from thinking harder about this comment though

@foodshethought says "This is your chosen profession for the time being."

In that it seems a level of condescension that I hear and see all too much in the dining room.

There are part-time servers and their are full-time servers and the majority of them may in fact be transitory, but there are those that aren't and it always strikes me strange, this gut class condescension for service in this country.

Isn't hospitality what we all strive for and these people do it every day, and deal with you weather you are happy, sad, angry or just plain mean.
Like me. ;)

Wow - way to spark discussion.

I've left crap tips before - for crap service. I live in a suburb where good service is the *exception* - and the last time we went out (where we live, not in the city), our waiter was completely/obviously stoned (at lunch). He would occasionally stop, stand by our table and kind of sway as he stared out the window. This is the second time this has happened to us this year. So odd. But in my opinion, a crap tip should still fix that person right at a living wage.

I love the idea someone mentioned about going more European. I'd be thrilled if our restaurants included the staff's wages in their mark ups on the food - and more thrilled if our government got with it and upped a waiter's wages to minimum wage. I'd still be happy to leave extra for exceptional service, and I think that I'd eat out - as opposed to carry out - more than I do now.

Awesome follow-up Hannah; these stories continue to peak my interest.
Keep up the great work.

i agree that tipping is "culturally and institutionally mandated" but at the end of the day, the most important aspect of tipping is that it's optional and that it needs to be earned. tip fluctuates depending on standards of which i dictate, but servers should already know the basic standards that a diner expects. if the service is decent, i will give the waiter/waitress the standard 15% tip b/c he/she earned it. if the service was substandard, then the waiter/waitress has "earned" a substandard tip. it's also not my job to tell a server what they did wrong. that's the responsibility of the establishment to make sure their wait staff are performing capably. i shouldn't have the burden of suggesting improvements (unless you are willing to pay me for my consulting services hehe). lastly, maybe you would be a little more receptive of receiving comments and suggestions for improvement, but most of the waiters/waitresses that provide me with poor service aren't open to hearing criticism. believe me, i've tried plenty of times.

I have been at all sides of this issue - waitstaff, restaurant manager and customer. People who choose to serve for a living know that their income can be a crapshoot, and they choose that, too. I think if your income depends on the way you treat people, then you should be doing backflips to make the service great. If you don't make the service great, then you get paid less - that's just the way it is. That's why I don't serve for a living anymore! When I go to a restaurant, I tip based on the service because I know exactly what they make and exactly how they should be doing their job. I also don't dock tips for cook's mistakes or problems the server tries to solve. I tip great - 20-30%, but will not add to a tip that is automatically added to my bill. I hate tips being added to my tab and would have tipped much more. And by the way, if I have a bad experience, I always let the manager know in a nice way. You can't solve a problem you don't know you have!

I think the reason so many people got riled up about a server questioning the tip, is they simple pictured themselves in the patron's shoes. Imagine you did simply make a math error. Imagine you were treating someone or were with someone you didn't know well. Imagine the server approaching you about the small tip and you squirming with embarrassment as you were just made to look and feel bad in front of your date/meetee.

If I was out with my family or close friends and this situation arose, I'd handle the situation with aplomb and a smile and rectify it. If I was with a stranger, date or someone to impress for any reason, I would be terribly embarrassed and feel like the person I'm with will think I'm a cheapskate or too dumb for math. Which even if true, is not the last impression you want to leave a restaurant with. Generally feeling embarrassed or sheepish provokes anger, and that's why so many people said they would hate to be on the receiving end of such a query.

If you want repeat customers, deliver great service and if you get a poor tip then it's one of three things - they didn't like the service, they are naturally cheap, they made a mistake. Either way all three cases come with the territory and it is the nature of the beast that comes with the job. It's not worth losing a customer who made an honest mistake and will not come back as he feels bad.

I'm sorry, but I found this post to be in bad taste. And, before you man the cannons, for your reference here's how I tip:

15-20% if service was just average and didn't require special effort
20%+ if it was special (generosity = positive experience/effort)
25%+ if service was extraordinary
- 15% if server ruined my dining experience (decrease = pleasure ruined)
5-10% for take out

I have been a server in my life, and I get it. I consider tipping a social obligation - to a point - and if I am honest, I pay more than outlined above because I generally err on the side of generosity. But, in essence, I am paying a GRATUITY for good service. If the service is poor, and it is clearly the fault of the waiter (i.e., they failed the basics of their job and were rude about it, or worse), I will not open my wallet and show gratitude for that. In my opinion the server should suffer the loss in that case, since I suffered as a customer.

I pay good money to go out to eat it is because I want to be SERVED so I can relax and enjoy the meal rather than work at it at home. It is not so a bad server can give me indigestion, ruin my meal, and piss me off. If the latter happens, the server does not deserve a generous tip.

Sometimes service has been so bad I almost feel the waiter should pick up my check since the whole thing was ruined thanks to them. Would you like a customer to come up to you and ask if there was a reason you sucked so bad at waiting tables, or worse, complain to the manager and get you fired when you have had a bad day? That is the flip side of your behavior. The main difference is... waiting tables is your job.

If a server received a poor tip from me (which has only happened a few times in my life) they deserved it, and heaven help them if they actually did try to confront me or my date about it - discreetly or otherwise. My response would most definitely be far from discreet, should I be affronted with such an offense.

Tips are the way a diner says "thank you." It is a gesture of good will and good manners. Not all customers have good manners, and that is a fact of life. Servers however, are paid to have good manners. Expecting a generous tip and forcing the issue with a customer is poor manners no matter how you slice it, and is contrary to the concept of "good service," which is why most people would not return should that happen to them.

As waitstaff, you are hired to serve to the best of your abilities, regardless of the behavior (or generosity) of the customer. It is a service based profession with the risk of fluctuating financial returns (kind of like every other service based profession). If you don't like the financial risk involved, you should seek out a profession that offers a more predictable income, or rally your fellow waiters together to change the pay rate infrastructure itself. Don't take it out on the customer.

A SIDE NOTE: For those who commented on the original post about spitting in coffee or ball sweat on utensils... get the hell out of the industry and take your loathsome disgusting habits with you!!! Who the hell raised you??? I don't care if a customer is absolutely horrible. They are PAYING FOR FOOD and it should be sanitary, and not a considerable health risk. Any server who has done such things (and no doubt there are many, which is just sickening) should be cursed with poverty and misery for all eternity. So be it.

Cheers,

~ Paula

I commend you for confronting your table. I do believe it shows that you truly care about your job and the service you provide.

If you confronted me and the service was poor, and would feel very comfortable telling you so. And would feel awful if I accidentally under tipped you for a service well done.

My husband and I are always discussing why customer service has gone to crap and I think part of it is because people come to expect poor service. They don't want to discuss money as you have said, and they don't demand it (on both sides).

Customers demand good service even before a tip is given, why shouldn't one demand a good tip once excellent service is given?

I was a waitress for over 20 years. Only once (or twice) was a tip soo low I just HAD to ask if something was wrong with the service or the food. I was not looking for extra money but just an explanation.

Like one poster said, if we don't know there's a problem, we can't fix it. Waiting tables is HARD work and stressful. As a waitress, I knew when I was in the weeds, couldn't give the service I wanted to, and therefore, didn't expect a great tip. But when service is great, yeah, that really bums us.

Similarly to what i said in my comment to your last post, i don't go to restaurants to see the servers, i go there for the food and perhaps the atmosphere. So while as servers you may want to rectify the problem that resulted in a bad tip in order to cultivate regulars, i as a customer have no desire to spend the time to chat with you or your manager about how to make your restaurant better. I don't care to cultivate that relationship. If i feel that what i got was less than what 15-20% deserves, that is the tip i will leave. I will not further depress the evening by drawing out the details of what went wrong and what could have been done better with you or your manager. Its like career coaching in a way, except we have no relationship, and i could care less about your long-term development, so i have no incentive to give you feedback one way or another.

I haven't read all of the comments so I apologize if I repeat what someone else has posted. Re: tipping. I used to live in the SF Bay Area and there was a restaurant chain called Max's Opera Cafe where the wait staff would literally sing for their tips. Talent aside, they also had a strict tipping policy that was posted at every table. It gave the percentages and exactly what qualified as acceptable service for each percentage tip left. That way, the wait staff would know where you ranked their service, eliminating the awkward "how much is a good tip? what do I give for just so-so?" kind of wavering many of us experience at the end of a meal.

I found it to be brilliant and freeing and I always left knowing that the staff knew just what kind of service I believed I had received (which was usually wonderful) and if they were having an off night, then it was reflected.

I don't know if every patron adhered to the guidelines but I always appreciated them.

I enjoy your columns. I didn't comment on the last post, because to be honest, I rarely comment. Being someone who has a very modest income myself, I absolutely make my bare minimum 15%. If I can't wing that, I don't go out to eat. Simple as that. If the service was so atrocious, that I felt someone actually worsened my day, I might make an exception to that rule, but it hasn't happened so far.

It sort of reminds me of the statistics showing those who make less tend to donate a larger percentage of their income to charities than those making so much more. There is less of a sense of entitlement there, which honestly makes me embarrassed for our culture.

If say those people did make a math error or just accidentally plopped down the sad and sorry amount, you had every right to confront them. If they were embarrassed, they brought it upon themselves. They fixed their mistake and no harm, no foul. If they really felt it wasn't an error in their own judgment, they would have said something.

On the plus side, I think the bad tipping people and those calling you rude are mostly on the older, conservative side. Hopefully a generational thing and they won't be around forever. :)

That pseudo-etymology-to-prove-a-cultural-point strategy should really be confined to freshman seminars.

PS: I have eaten in France, Italy, Greece, Lebanon, Egypt, Germany, Bangkok and god knows how many other places and tips were expected everywhere

@spartana07: Thanks! All fixed.

@redfish:
No one put a gun to your head and forced you to eat at that restaurant. If a customer of your company decided to insult you because they felt that your profession was beneath theirs, would you just sit there and take it? How about if their actions had a direct effect on your pay?
3 years waiting
2.5 years bar tending
In the state where I worked (and this is still the case today), employers were allowed to pay servers and bar tenders $2.13/hour. And no one in town besides one or two fine dining establishments paid more than the state minimum. Literally all of my pay came from tips. I could count on one hand all of the times that I actually received a paycheck after declaring my tips for the week. The two main problems I had with these types of situations are: the customer is always right attitude, and the common perception by many people that waiters are beneath them. The vast majority of customers that fall back the 'I'm always right' mantra are usually always wrong. Making a scene by screaming and shouting because the tiniest detail of your meal wasn't exactly what you expected is infantile at best. If you want to throw a fit, take it outside. And just because I am waiting tables or tending bar, that doesn't mean that I'm not qualified for a 'normal' job.

I feel as if all the people that responded negatively to you saying something about the tip, have never worked as a waiter or really never worked as someone who needed their tips so dearly. I definitely rely on my tips and think you did the right thing. Also, I think you did so very politely! I mean lets say you had made a big mistake somehow and that's why they left a poor tip, then you would know. People are unaware how little waitresses get paid by their restaurant and then also are unaware how important leaving that 20% is.

I've got to say I consider cheapness a character flaw. I could never date a cheap person and I HATE dining out with cheapskate friends.

Many years ago, while in college, I spent a summer working at the crappy chain pseudo Mexican Don Pablo's, which, to put it kindly, doesn't attract the most sophisticated clientele. Numerous times, in lieu of tips, I received business cards from post-church diners informing me my (non)tip was going to the Lord!

My favorite, though was the couple on a date that stiffed me. An hour or so later, the woman returned with a very generous tip for me. She'd been on her first date with the guy, and when she saw he'd left me no tip, she asked to be taken home.

I just hate how America has become a based-on-tips country. I just want us to go back in time and eliminate the whole idea of tipping in the first place and just pay the servers a decent wage.

I always tip, even if the service is bad and I will tip more if it was great. I know about the dependency on it for the servers.

However I feel this country has blown tipping out of proportion. People putting tip jars every chance they get. I have to tip the hairdresser, the taxi driver, the bellhop, and I'm sure I am forgetting many others. And sometimes the argument is why should I tip you for something that is already your job? I feel differently about those who work in restaurants because they are doing something much more to accommodate a diner and bring them what they need. Whenever I travel to a foreign country its more stressful because it is done differently anywhere but what if they expect it now, and what I read about the customs there is out of date?

It just has become so overwhelming that I sometimes feel like I've been scammed or walked on because I feel guilty not giving something. And then it builds up and becomes this stressful thing to figure out "should I tip this person? how much? Why didn't they bring the itemized receipt back so I could see what the tax was? Was it really worth is much?" It just becomes a stressful event and people probably get fed up.

But I will never stop tipping in this country, until some magic law passes giving everyone decent money and saying you don't have to tip anymore! But even then people will probably still expect tips.

And you can probably tell I think too much...

Wow. Just wow.

And: Hannah, I admired the actions you took that are recapped in your previous post, and I find this one to be reasoned and intelligent.

I suspect that some of the vituperation herein derives from a subtle trollishness that has been infiltrating the site lately; try not to let it wear too much, right?

And, surely, some of it knee-jerk supports your very point: tipping DOES evoke something deep in the beast.

The topic could well have ended my marriage if we had not found a happy compromise some years ago; now, regardless of whether he pays or I do, I am the tipper. Would that everyone here who feels like my husband could partner up with someone like me in a decent and fair compromise.

Keep writing, darlin'--I enjoy your voice.

If I ever intentionally leave an abnormally small tip (I have done so only on a few rare occasions) it's in response to poor and/or rude service (I never penalize the server for issues that are obviously the fault of the kitchen).

It wouldn't bother me at all if the server who was penalized for poor service asked me why they got a small tip - but they never have - which is not surprising.

As someone who has been a server & a floor manager I think Hannah was absolutely correct in addressing the table. It is not something that should be done every time you get tipped a paltry amount but sometimes you have to go with your gut.

I also think if you haven't worked in a restaurant before then you do not realize what goes into making everything run smoothly. It isn't just taking an order, punching it into a machine, and filling a water glass. It is multi-tasking in the extreme. Every time you sweep your tables you can build a list of 10-20 things that need to be done: a new fork, more water, extra butter, returning an overdone steak, a grey goose dirty martini very dry with 5 olives and so on. Not to mention re-stocking clean glasses, making roll-ups, and hauling buckets of ice around.

And, if you are good, like I suspect Hannah is, you do it with a smile and energy. You aren't just tipping for taking orders and bringing a check. You are tipping for all of the things you don't even realize.

And to say that it is inappropriate to ask a table if something was wrong with the service is like saying it's wrong to ask why you got a crappy performance review at your office. It's essentially the same thing.

this is dumb. i do have to say, i agree with the author on her actions regarding the tipping situation. what i don't agree with is the strange authority vibe she attaches to her columns combined with a terrible, nagging naivity raging below the surface. give it 5 years, i swear you'll look back and cringe.

Here's the thing. The fact that is that you made the right call in this circumstance. They happened to be a group of people who had meant to tip well and messed up. It happens. On my birthday last year the kid who collected the money from the group later confessed that he had assumed included gratuity for our 12 top but realized his mistake later on. The waitress would absolutely have been right to ask where her tip was.

But the reason you got flack over this was because most of the time when a bad tip is given it is because either A) the service was bad or B) the customer is a lousy tipper.

In the case of the lousy waiter, asking is only going to make things uncomfortable. We all have off nights but nobody wants to be given a laundry list of why they were a lousy server.

In the case of the cheap tipper, asking is probably going to result in nothing more than a complaint to your manager. Poor tippers are often the most bitchy and demanding of customers. So yes, it worked out for you on this particular occasion, but more often than not, asking would have been a wrong thing to do.

I'm firmly of the belief that there are swings and roundabouts in the service industry. There are times you'll get 5% and times you'll get 50%. With rare exception, you're better off not worrying about the size of an individual tip, and instead thinking about your overall income.

Well thought out, well written and, from the description of the interaction with your patrons, well handled. A poor tip for (perceived) poor service, without constructive feedback, does no one any good. Obviously, if there's a pattern, on the part of either the patron or the server, it's a different story.

Your ideas about why this is an uncomfortable subject are insightful and good food for thought (intended) for us all.

Seems to me that a bad tip means the service was bad. We all need feedback on how we are doing our jobs, and a server needs to know what he/she did wrong to deserve a bad tip. Seems reasonable to me that you asked... would I ever have the gumption to do it? No way, but I think it's perfectly reasonable that you did.

Likewise, I call the manager when service is exemplary... it costs me absolutely nothing and commends the server.

Imo it's not appropriate for someone serving me to act as anything other than a servant.

You know what's funny? I never tip less than 30-35% (15-20% always seem inadequate to me, provided that there was nothing extraordinarily wrong with our dinner, in which case, I will make a point of calculating 15% - it's happened once in my life so far. I'm 35). That said, the line It’s your job to tip graciously at the end of your meal, unless service is included, or you're at a take-out joint, etc. made me feel very resentful. No, it's not my job, it's my choice. Big, big difference.

I work hard (at my real job) and I go out to relax, have fun and yes, enjoy being served by somebody else for a change. And make no mistake, I appreciate it tremendously, which is why, like I said, I never tip less than 30-35%. But it's not my job. My job is to make sure the audits I submit to my employer are correct.

I would not criticize Hannah for her actions for questioning the customers for her low tip if she can report on any incidence in which she ran after a customer who left a very large tip a)to thank them profusely for a very generous tip or b)to ascertain they did not make a mathematical error and offer to refund some part of the tip. I will always remember the following two incidences: 1) After a great home-style meal in the 70's, we chose to leave a $20 tip (50%) because the meal was so good and reasonable in price and the immigrant waitress was so attentative - she came running out of the resaurant to thank us with many bows. 2) We couldn't figure out why a waiter in a very expensive restuarant turned so friendly after giving us just barely adequate service during a meal. When I finally looked at our receipt, I realized my mathematically challenged ex-husband, having had a couple drinks, calculated a 40% tip!

I absolutely agree that tipping well and graciously is a mandatory aspect of eating out. However, if my server ever had the audacity to approach me about what I left, I would never return to that restaurant. Honestly, I wish every restaurant added gratuity so that the debate could end. Kudos to the French.

Your article reminded me of the time I went to a restaurant a few years ago when I left $0.00 tip on a $200+ bill. I am usually a good tipper (at least 15%, more if service was extraordinarily good). But the combination of my alcohol-induced haze, my general deer-in-headlights feeling when it comes to money, and my friend trying to explain something to me about the tip...made me think that gratuity was already included, or that my friends had already taken care of it.

I didn't realize my mistake until weeks later. I didn't take care of it then and then, when I read your column last week, it hit me like a smack in the face. I am guilt-ridden about the fact that our poor waitress got squat when she didn't do anything wrong. I am attempting to track her down now, and though I don't know how feasible it would be, in retrospect, I would have LOVED if she confronted me about the tip.

I'm glad there's no rules about gratuity, I've had some great service, then i've had some nightmare services. I love it when the server knows his food, wine, and even gives us some of his personal recommendations from the menu.

Then there's the flip side, clueless servers, and you can tell they are dying to go home. I have been waited on with the server talking on his CELL PHONE! Yeah, I'm going to tip you for talking to your friend during service. NO WAY! We have witnessed arguing about who's tables are getting people between staff (yes in front of customers), whine about how tired they are, has a short-term memory, and look miserable to be at work in general. No, uh uh, no reward for that. If I behaved like that at my job, I'd be fired! It's not a pleasant experience so why should I even bother tipping.

Honey attracts more bees, even if you gotta fake it. For an awesome service all around, I don't mind overtipping, I have given 25-30%. But for a mediocre service, why bother.

The best service is the waitstaff that take their job seriously, and know their stuff! Because how you feel about your job always reflects your performance.

I just wanted to offer some appreciation for this post. I have had a similar experience, where, after paying, my tip would have been $1 on a $60+ order. I returned the dollar "change" to the table even though they said "no change," and they were shocked and shelled out more money. It happens, and I see no reason why someone shouldn't approach their table if they believe that a mistake has happened.

I think the whole idea of tipping is ridiculous: do you tip the toll collector for taking your money? Do you tip the gas man for reading your meter? Do you tip your IT guy for fixing your computer? Of course not. Now, obviously, they don't live on tips. GUESS WHAT: NEITHER SHOULD WAITERS! How insane is it that a customer has to pay basically twice: for the food and for the service? Can you imagine if we had to tip UPS person for delivering the package to your house? Here's another tidbit: are the dishes heavier at T.G.I. Fridays than they are in a fancy steakhouse with $100+ dishes? Where do you come off with a sense of entitlement to a $20 tip just because the food was $100, whereas at Fridays a $20 plate would only get a $4 tip? If restaurant you work at charges that much for food, let them pay you! Enough is enough!