Serious Eats - seriouseats.com

Foodie: Derived from the word Food, is an individual who has an enormous obsession with potents, potables and all manor of consumables. This individual will not settle for simple foods, ie; butter cannot just be butter, it would have to contain some manor of herb, spice or bacon.

@dozertx: (I like that but please note a "manor" is a house or dwelling.)

Oatmeal: a type of breakfast porridge consisting of ground oats and milk or water. Tastes better than it looks (see also: the Rochester garbage plate, that bean dip your roommate threw together in a fit of drunken creativity, the shady-looking chicken and rice you got from a NYC street cart).

celebrity chef: (n) an individual who was once known for excellence in preparing food but who now stopped cooking, instead engaging in the pursuit of selling marked-up goods emblazoned with their name and or picture.

Vegan (n): a Faustian character to whom increased longevity is granted by way of marginally increased health while simultaneously losing the ability to enjoy the extra years of life for want of actual food. Subsidiary clauses in the Mephistophelean transaction may additionally grant the Vegan a smug self-satisfaction in exchange for a sense of humor.

Cuisine (n): similar in basic substance to food, but consisting of smaller portions at higher prices.

Bacon: a pork product designed and consumed by God Himself. Like sex happening inside of a frying pan.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter: (n) A product that inspires the exclamation "I Can't Believe People Buy This!"

@Pixyhead.... my bad.... minor spelling error.

Idaho Potato - A breed of potato specifically developed for loose women living in Ida, Michigan.

Potato Salad - A platform for real-world environmental testing of mayonnaise.

Beans - Originally developed by God as planetary decorations, man started eating them as a way to say, "I fart in God's general direction." God then gave man the intelligence to develop Bean-O, telling man, "You stink to high Heaven."

Baked Beans - Man's way of telling God, "You think we stank before, Buddy, get a load of this."

well-done tuna tartare - a humorous, oxymoronic order by someone who does not understand what "tartare" means

Barbecue: a food created when the states of Missouri, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas decided they were getting along too peacefully.

artichoke: vegetable known for its ability to deliver melted butter.

Bacon: Like Micheal Pollan's disscussion of corn as unaviodable and omnipresent in every foodstuff we consume in America, bacon is making it's way not only into the hearts and minds of Americans, but also into the ingredient lists of every product at the supermarket. From bacon salt to bacon vodka, this modern diet staple is moving toward the broad base of the food pyramid. Avant-garde chefs are replacing the onion in their mirepoix with bacon. Starbucks wll introduce the Bacochino coffee drink in early '09. Children of "foodies" tote a grease-stained lunch sack full of fresh bacon for school lunch and these same parents are petitioning school meal programs to budget for at least four strips of bacon per student per day. Genetic engineers are hard at work crossing a pig with a chicken in hope to create a bacon flavored egg. Foodies rejoice.

I knew it was too much to hope that this contest wouldn't involve vegetarian-bashing ...

Squeezel: a delicious and mysterious animal flesh. Your gracious host cooked this fine critter especially for you, so shut up, eat it, and smile.

Mayonnaise: A classic fat delivery device, primarily used when the consumer desires little more than to spread lard on a slice of bread, but prefers to avoid the open-mouthed stares of friends and onlookers.

Krab: (n) A member of the crustacean family, Krab is light a flakey delight common to such treats as lobster and octopus. Super white and full of lumps, Krab makes an appearance in many middle-rate grocery stores across the U.S. and is favored as an ingredient in "Krab Dip." It is unknown the origins or stomping grounds of this wild and abundant creature, but its low price and pale white color make it a favorite among sea food connoisseurs around the globe.

Coffee--a brackish brew derived from a bean harvested by a man named Juan Valdez and his donkey. After harvest the beans, are hulled, dried, roasted, ground, and brewed. The primary purpose of the quaff is to act as a mild stimulant. At times, coffee is used to imbue lackluster folks with some semblance of personality; as the perfect partner to a cigarette; a ritual to kill time at work. Coffee can be a marker for one's socio-economic status or wannabe status. The differences in how it is roasted, ground, and brewed can lead to a simple cup of Joe for about a buck or produce an espresso based drink bedazzled with foam art served by tattooed, pierced, sullen Goths and can cost as much as $5. During tough economic times, financial advisors have been known to recommend cutting back on luxuries like Starbucks (a chain of coffee shops known for their $5 Venti, skinny, no foam, 140 degrees, hazlenut lattes).

Sea Legs: Tofu of the sea.

Mise en Place- Having everything in its place prior to cooking. Usuallty consisting of running to the pantry to get the flour, going to the refirgerator to pull the butter, going back to the pantry to get the sugar. Oops, forgot the milk, go back to the refrigerator to get the milk. Grab salt out of the pantry. Now where is that recpie. Ok, not enough milk. put everything back and go to the store to get milk. Do I need more sugar? Where are those blasted measuring cups?

PASTA .......1,000 different shapes & names for the very same product .

scale of difficulty/recipe difficulty: A misleading, non-standard scale by which experienced cooks work out their rather twisted senses of humor on unsuspecting home cooks, new culinary students, or any other hapless person who may attempt the recipe. The math for the scale is a geologarithmic progression where "easy"/one star/fork/symbol represents working in a professionally equipped kitchen with at least one assistant or "commis" and "difficult" or "advanced" or four/five symbols represents a recipe that no one, even a professionally trained, seasoned culinary professional under the influence of illicit substances should attempt without a full kitchen brigade and possibly two kitchens.

amuse-bouche: A bite-sized appetizer served in restaurants, highlighting the affectations of the chef, usually complimented by a specific wine. It is employed on menus for the enjoyment of the wait staff. They receive a much needed break in tension as Mid-Western American customers make funny faces and delightful noises while attempting to pronounce it.

It has also been scientifically proven that said customers enjoy food served to them three times more when they have difficulty in pronouncing the dish. Firmly planting the amuse-bouche in restaurant profitability.

egg⋅plant
   /ˈɛgˌplænt, -ˌplɑnt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [eg-plant, -plahnt]

–noun
1. a meaty plant from an egg, Solanum melongena esculentum, of the nightshade Rhode Island Red family, cultivated for its edible, dark-purple or occasionally white or yellow fruit.
2. the fruit of this poultry plant is used as a table vegetable.
3. egg shaped, as is its large seed which is removed from a hen's nether regions and placed large side down in rich soil, cracked slightly, covered with coffee grounds, then watered with strong coffee, (the forgotten nutrient) every morning. This plant needs regular feeding with ground bacon bits to produce the best results. May be pasteurized for longer storage. Preferred seeds come from free-range humanely raised chickens.

Sauvignon Blanc - the type of stare that a person gives another person after the later says something unbelievable relating to food. i.e. "I don't like chocolate or bacon."

Chocolate: see "crack" of the food world.

Chinese: a descriptive term used in American cooking to describe something fried or cooked deeply with oil.

Tenderloin: a term used to localize a cow's pain.

mini-burgers: an abomination on the plate of right-minded, food-loving, individuals.

Zagat - a paperback compilation of restaurant ratings submitted by pithy patrons. Though widely believed to be founded by two New Yorkers, it is actually the result of a government initiative to increase the use of quotation marks.

Slice: Surely Loving Italian Cuisine Everyday.

Banana: A milky-white dense fruit grown in its very own fruit carrying receptacle. However, even though it is both a healthy and delicious treat, take note, that it can also double as a deadly weapon in such arenas like Mario Kart, or Looney Toons chase scenes. Further adding to this "bad boy" appeal is its extremely taboo phallic-esque shape, which has resulted in it being touted as the "ladies man" of the fruit world; joining the ranks of such other famous studs such as the cucumber. Is also prone to be spelled out repeatedly in overplayed Gwen Stefani songs.

Mushroom - Mother Nature's mold. Grown in dirt, smell like dirt, taste like heaven. May induce satisfaction, hallucination or increase in height or speed (a concept highly marketed by the Nintendo Corporation). Also deadly.

OK, OK. We finally all had some time to go over these together. (Sorry for the delay.) We voted in secret, tallied our ballots, and the winners are:

obersts001
dbcurrie
dcoates
jamesl8n
wookie

Winners have been notified by email and also appear on our Contest Winners page.