Served: Every Night Waiting Tables
I blog by day and wait tables by night. I'm excited to bring you Served, dispatches from the front of the house. Enjoy!
As a cook, I learned that you only cut yourself when there really isn't time, when you're deep in the shits. Never mind that it hurts—the point is, you need your finger to stop oozing blood (why won't it stop?) so that you can plate the four risottos, get the potatoes in the fryer, run to the walk-in for more chervil, and get started on those asparaguses. Right now. None of this can be accomplished while spurting blood.
While waiting tables, I break a glass maybe weekly. A glass gets shattered every night—sometimes, a cup or a plate will drop and smatter, too. With such little space and so much commotion, stemware casualties are inevitable.
Like knife accidents, glasses tend to fall to the floor when the timing is impossibly inopportune. In the sliver of space behind the cheese case, someone is trying to get wine from the fridge, someone is trying to pass dirty plates to the dishwasher, someone to plate cheese, to put a food order into the computer, to answer the phone. There is neither space nor time for everyone to drop everything and jump out of the way to avoid an onslaught of glass shards. But we do. It happens. Every night.
There are some things that I've come to expect. They happen nightly, without fail:
1. The Celeb Look-Alike Game
"You look exactly like Neve Campbell!" someone will tell me. This is something I never heard until I started working at my place. If consensus correlates with truth, then it seems I do resemble Neve. "Has anyone ever told you that before?" people often ask. Yes.
People tell P. that she is the spitting image of Anne Hathaway. Sometimes, a guest will inform me that I look like some '80s B-list star I have never heard of. This makes me nervous. I try to remember so I can Google my duplicate later, but I always forget her name.
2. Ordering as a Painful Endeavor
I will have a table or two where taking an order is like pulling teeth. I love talking about our menu. I am happy to answer questions. But people find a way to take our exchange to a whole new, ridiculous level.
"Can you just go through all the wines on your list, and tell us about each one?" someone asks. Are they serious? We have many dozens of wines. Is this a test? How much time do they think I have?
"What should we get?" people inquire all the time.
"Help me out a little," I am forced to retort. Is this dinner, or a snack? What do you like? What do you want? We just met. I am no psychic.
3. Someone Will Say Something So Uncool
An example from last night:
"How do the cheeses work?" a man asks me. He is with a woman, his arm slung around her chair, his feet kicked out so as to take up maximum space.
I have the cheese spiel nailed. We have about 40 cheeses, the majority of which most people have not heard of. You can select specific cheeses. Or you can leave the job in the very capable fromager's hands, and she will compose a plate for you. We will happily abide by your requests—there are lovers and haters of stinky cheese, of runny cheese, of blue.
"Well," I start, "as you can see, our list is long and eclectic…"
"Like my schlong!" he interjects.
I continue, "…you are welcome to let the fromager put together a flight for you."
"Like my schlong! I said! Like my schlong!"
I give him the sternest look I can muster. "I heard you. I was, and still am, going to pretend you didn't say that."
The poor woman looked horrified.
4. The Wildcard That Is Tipping
Diners come in and make their way to a table. They eat, they drink, a good time is had by all. Now it's time to look at their credit card receipt (or sometimes, to count their cash).
Why did the super nice couple who professed their love for me, the wine, the cheese, and the place, leave nary a tip? Why did the angry man who grumpily guzzled his wine tip fifty percent of the bill?
I'll ever know. People are endlessly mysterious in their tipping ways.
In waiter lexicon, a verbal tip is the practice of compensating for a measly actual tip with exorbitant niceness. I used to find this uncomfortable, kind of insulting—like flirting effusively with someone you're not the least bit interested in. But it happens all the time. I've learned to not take it too personally.
Hopefully, by the end of the night, the bad tippers will be balanced out by generous tippers.
5. You Never Know
A slow night will end in the biggest rush of all time.
The biggest jerks will turn out to be wonderful people. You might meet your soul mate. Or your favorite celebrity ever. Pretty much anything might unfold over the course of a night.
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20 Comments:
Ooh I want to share some:
1. John Mayer. Don't ask me why. I'm 6'6" with a fat face and a beard. Me and John Mayer look nothing alike. But maybe people just don't know what he looks like?
2. My big thing with ordering is people who seem to modify dishes, not because they don't like the dishes, but because they have some idea that this is what you are supposed to do. This was never more exemplified than when a girl said "I'll have the Mediterranean salad and, oh.... what can I change on this? I guess maybe cheddar cheese
instead of feta and ranch instead of vinaigrette. "
3. For boy waiters it's not usually sexual stuff, and if it is, it's often welcome. But the biggest problem we face is overly aggressive jerks, especially those with hot girlfriends they want to look like a big shot in front of. Actual conversation:
Customer: What the hell is on my margarita pizza?
Me: Chunks of Fresh Tomato.
Customer: Why?
Me: That's what the menu says it comes with?
Customer: It never came with that before.
Me: I don't know what to say. It always has tomato. Would you like me to take it back?
Customer: Why are you copping an attitude with me?
Me: Honestly, I haven't even begun to cop an attitude. If you would like me to, I would be happy to oblige.
4. Tips are erratic. You can never tell. Except with Europeans. Then you can tell.
5. Every so often you'll look at your wad and realize "Holy cow! There's no way I could have made this much money" and it's wonderful. Every so often you'll look down and see that you've been sweating and running all night and you've got chump change in your pocket. It's the luck of the draw.
schwartz at 10:07AM on 10/21/08
Thanks for sharing this. I always wonder what the waiters/waitresses are thinking. As a regular diner at all types of restaurants, let me please get this out: I am only responsible for myself. I hate dining with picky demanding diners, but sometimes I am forced, I am related to them!!!!!
Ranton at 12:11PM on 10/21/08
your third point about the crazy comment... that was crazy... wtf says that?
foodinmouth at 12:16PM on 10/21/08
i know what you mean about the verbal tip...we call that the LIP TIP. I will never understand, I have a guy just picking up a take-out order who tipped me 10 bucks but I had a duece with a bill around 90 bucks for lunch and I got a smile and a lip tip! arrrgh!
thedish28 at 1:07PM on 10/21/08
Tell the cooks to get some superglue for quickly closing cuts and stopping bleeding.
wunami at 1:47PM on 10/21/08
@ schwartz...awesome. i feel you.
Hannah Howard at 2:00PM on 10/21/08
On the bleeding cuts ... my boyfriend used to work in a cafe in Israel, and the last time I cut myself cooking he grabbed my finger and dunked it into our cannister of Arabic coffee grounds (I would have poured some of the grounds into a cup or large spoon before shoving a bloody limb in it, but whatever). Instant seal, washed off easily once dinner was in the oven and healed perfectly even though I am the most infection-prone person on the planet. It's my favorite new trick.
islandchild at 2:26PM on 10/21/08
r.e., the grumpy wine drinker who tips well: As a guy who sometimes dines alone, I appreciate the waitperson who really takes care of me. I tip generously when this happens. The customer may not have much to say and he or she may be grumpy, but he or she may not take it out on you.
The "lip tipper" is just being a cheapskate.
econprof at 2:26PM on 10/21/08
I guess my brain just doesn't work that way, but why/how could anyone justify not tipping by giving compliments. I wish my landlord took compliments.
kiteless at 4:42PM on 10/21/08
http://xkcd.com/287/
dmorriso at 8:10PM on 10/21/08
I work pantry station on an open line. Mine is the only station that has bar seating right in front of it. Some of the cooks mind it, but I don't, and I often make conversation with the customers. Most of them are just fine but some of them... I had a guy the other night who said he wanted to lick my jacket (which, admittedly, had a smear of hot fudge across it, but seriously, would he have said that to a guy?)!
thepictsie at 6:17AM on 10/22/08
This weekend a bunch of girls walked (re:stumbled) in celebrating a birthday party. They made sure all of us knew they were celebrating. Hurray for us.
One of the cuter members of our staff went over to explain the wine flights to them. Perhaps you have noticed this: I don't know what it is about women who are a certain size, but they always seem to overcompensate for either being too tiny and thin (by being way too loud) or being overweight (sometimes by being loud or obnoxious). So he says to them, " all the wines in this option are going to be a bit fuller bodied." This prompts the biggest, drunkest girl in the group to response, "do you prefer fuller bodied?" while feeling herself up. All of her friends laughed hysterically while he announced he was taking his break right in front of them.
liwinegirl at 8:35AM on 10/22/08
"Like my schlong"- who the hell says this to a total stranger in a public setting? Was he a 16 year old masquerading as an adult? I certainly hope his date (let's pray she didn't already marry the jackass) saw the light and ditched him. Guys like that make my skin crawl.
I love reading your posts. Since I don't have the intestinal fortitude (or patience) to be a server I live vicariously through you.
AuntJone at 12:01PM on 10/24/08
I have friends who do the verbal tipping thing and I hate it.
In general I hate eating with other people. One of my oldest friends is a "you don't tip on the sales tax" guy. I'll never understand that ... like tipping an extra 20% of 7% is going to kill you? That's less than 1.5% the cost of the meal! It makes me want to strangle him.
redfish at 12:26PM on 10/25/08
When are you restaurant staff-people going to stop saying "JUST one?" when someone who is dining sans companion(s) enters your establishments?
Why not just say "Merely only just one inadequately dining all by yourself, utterly alone?" and get it over with?
Do you ever ask "JUST two? of a couple? Why not? I mean, they're so much less SUBSTANTIAL than a group of ten.
OATIE at 12:52PM on 10/27/08
What should we get?" people inquire all the time.
"Help me out a little," I am forced to retort. Is this dinner, or a snack? What do you like? What do you want? We just met. I am no psychic.
Gosh, I can see how this can be annoying for you, but hang on a minute, if a waiter/waitress said that to me ie, copped an attitude, I would walk out.
The other day, I was in my local tapas bar and wondered if I should have a beer or wine, and the very helpful waiter suggested beer and also which beer to have that would go so well with what I had ordered. No attitude, just friendliness and a willingness to help me out. I left him a nice tip and recommended this place to all my friends. I would go there time and time again.
snowmoonelk at 1:00PM on 10/27/08
I intentionally do not tip on tax. This seems like common sense to me, like not tipping on the tip.
It's rare that a waiter or waiter earns the 20% of the menu price that I give them. Some actually deserve more, and I have given it to them. Some waitstaff have reason to be grateful I don't stiff them altogether. Still, the tip is regarded as an entitlement, and having earned it is almost beside the point. Not leaving a 20% tip edges into "not standing for the National Anthem" territory - only a scoundrel even contemplates doing it, and peer pressure is the tool of enforcement.
OATIE at 9:56PM on 10/27/08
^^Which means you're kind of a tool. Do you realize that the base wage for many servers is around $2.33 per hour?? What we take home in tips is what we earn. It's not like we're making 8 bucks an hour and your $10 is just an added bonus.
bhanson at 11:25PM on 04/30/09
This is a great blog, you should also check out www.86BadTips.com
scotty779 at 5:38PM on 05/14/09
This blog is great!! Check out www.stuckserving.com for similar stories!!
serverjustice at 5:30PM on 09/17/09