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'The Next Iron Chef': Crazy Desserts

Posted by Adam Kuban, October 8, 2007

The Next Iron Chef: You know the premise. They're looking to add a new face to the madness at Kitchen Stadium.

Eight chefs competing. Three judges judging. Alton Brown as ringmaster and the Chairman shouting and carrying on at the top of the show.

The premiere opens with a montage of the upcoming action and then the requisite rundown of competitor bios. [Warning: Spoilers after the jump.]

Cut to the campus of the Culinary Institute of America. Damn. Will you look at that place? So that's where the tuition goes. The Chairman is playing drama queen, addressing the knife-roll-toting candidates from a balcony above a fountain-splashing plaza: "Welcome, chefs, to the hallowed grounds of the Culinary Institute of America." Blah blah blah, exit stage left, enter Alton Brown from a doorway below the balcony.

"You will endure eight tests, each one cleverly designed to divine in you eight characteristics the chairman believes all Iron Chefs must embody."

Blah, blah, blah, cut to ... a gym? With basketball hoops? Does the C.I.A. field a roundball team against Le Cordon Bleu?

Anyway, as in all most of these reality shows, this one features two challenges. The first one here, taking place on the boards, is a showdown to see who's got the "fastest knife" in the kitchen. Each chef must debone a chicken (25 points), fillet a salmon (15), French a rack of lamb (15), slice a daikon radish so thin you can read a newspaper through it (10), shuck six oysters and six clams (5), and crack two coconuts to extract at least two cups of liquid (5). In the event of a tie, it comes down to fastest time. Oh yeah, and they have 15 minutes.

Competing in waves of four, we have Cosentino, Des Jardins, Kaysen, and Besh up first. And they're off. Running across the gym to grab ingredients—though not with knives in hand, thank God—the chefs race them back to their prep stations. Des Jardins is off to a great start, despite confessing that she hasn't done this basic prep stuff in a while. Presumably, underlings are doing it for her. Still, she's on her second item while everyone else is on his first. Brown saunters about, hovering, making comments that should be taken as subtle (or not so subtle) cues when a chef is off track. Despite Des Jardins' quick start, Besh finishes first with five seconds left. Maybe he was on KP duty as a Leatherneck.

In the second wave, damn, Ouattara is fast. But wait, the speed demon cuts himself at some point during the salmon filleting and doesn't notice till he's shucking oysters. He thought it was blood from the salmon, he says. Blood sausage is one thing, human blood and accidental cannibalism is another. Symon shows his smarts by using a hotel pan to crack his coconuts above, not missing a drop of liquid. Ouattara finishes with a whopping three minutes left. Then Sanchez finishes, with a minute and a quarter left. This squad is a bunch of crackerjacks.

Still, when it breaks down, the unexpected winner is Sanchez, with 75 points. He's fast and thorough, as opposed to Ouattara's fast and sloppy.

Sanchez, then, gets advantage in the second round: making one "freeform dessert" and one using signature Iron Chef "special ingredients." All in 90 minutes. And all without butter, sugar, cream, or cheeses ("unless you make them yourself").

Says Brown, "The Chairman has a serious sweet tooth, but he likes his desserts ... a little weird." I picture the monkey scene in The Temple of Doom. And it's only slightly less crazy. The "special ingredients"? Squid (Kaysen), tripe (Cosentino—like you didn't see that one coming), catfish (Besh), bacon (Symon), beef shoulder (Davie), chorizo (Ouattara), salmon roe (Des Jardins), duck confit (Sanchez).

The challenge lies in making desserts from these decidedly savory non-dessert items, thereby showing creativity and pluck.

Again, the chefs work in fours. The first group is go. Sanchez, Ouattara, Davie, and Symon. The kitchen is hot. (They must have shot this during summer.) Blah blah blah. Symon's plans for ice cream melt, as the freezer is no colder than 48 degrees. The cream leaks out of the ice cream maker. The heat is also borking Sanchez's flan plans, so he switches up to making crêpes. OK. Cut, cut, cut, and they're done. Speed demon Ouattara finishes first.

Second group is go. Cosentino, Besh, Des Jardins, and Kaysen feel the heat. Des Jardins worries that her dairy (she's making crème fraîche) won't whip up. "When was the last time you were in a kitchen so hot you could pour honey right out of the container," Cosentino asks. Whatevs. If you can't stand the heat, as they say.

Brown wanders the kitchen, all the while asking questions of the contestants.

Besh is going to town with his catfish-based dessert.

Brown: "Did you choose catfish because you're familar with it or do you actually have ideas for it?"

Besh: "Have you ever had a catfish ganache–stuffed truffle?"

Brown: "No."

Besh: "Neither have I."

Cosentino shows some real thought as well with his idea for a panzanella. "The toasted tripe emulates bread, so you'll have that really nice crispy. I'm adding fruit and acid, and it's making it into a less savory dish."

Kaysen's squid is not going well. "You got hosed," Brown says.

OK. And they're done.

Cut to the judges.

OK. It's getting late and this thing is getting looooooong, so I'm going to wrap this up. In order of judging:

A commercial for some show called 2 Dudes Catering—and they look liked they'd make and cater food for stoners. A T.G.I. Friday's commercial, a Wheat Thins commercial ("a girl's gotta eat"—because that's what girls eat, I suppose, Wheat Thins), a couple more commercials, and the jury's in.

Despite the guffawing on the judges' part, Besh and his catfish take it. Donatella: "I've never had a catfish truffle before" [and, I can almost assure you, neither has anyone else] "and I liked it." Ruhlman loves the bread pudding. They love that he made three different items from his special ingredient. Besh "survives to cook another day," leaving the remaining seven sweating.

Cosentino: In.

Kaysen: "Squid is your friend," Brown says, "and your friend has kept you here to cook another day."

Morou: Judges weren't overwhelmed but the dishes made strong artistic statements. "You survive to cook another day."

By now, it should be clear that "survive to cook another day" is the NIC version of "You're fired" Except that, obviously, it's a benediction rather than damnation.

Davie: "Beef desert. Gutsy. You survive to cook another day."

Sanchez: "We love the cachapa, unfortunately, it wasn't dessert. You survive to cook another day."

Symon: "You played it a bit safe. It was inspired or borrowed from your pastry chef." He's capable of more, they say, but he survives.

And that leaves ...

Des Jardins: "We would have liked to have seen a little more classic dessert." The kill phrase: "Sometimes good chefs have bad days. You will not be the Next Iron Chef."

OMG. This recapping thing is evil. I'm going to bed.

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